Claire, take her! I cant do it anymore! I cant even bear to touch her, it just makes my skin crawl!
Liz was trembling, the baby in her arms wailing inconsolably.
I took my niece gently and nodded.
Alright. But youre sure about this, you wont regret it later?
No, I wont! Just take her, I dont want her!
The little one had been born a month before. Right from the start, there was something off with Liz. I put her mood swings down to a late pregnancy. Shed been widowed more than seven years, her older children grown up and moved away. A seaside holiday, a brief affair, and an unexpected pregnancy had startled us all. Liz was never the spontaneous type. At first, she seemed happy to be expecting. But later, I saw her either deliriously buying baby clothes and prams, or spending whole weeks silent and shut away from everyone.
Right before she was due, Liz cut off all contact, didnt ring Mum, me, or her children. Alarmed, I tracked her down to the maternity ward, where she was preparing to sign papers relinquishing her baby.
Liz, whats happening? Why are you doing this?
I dont know myself. I feel nothing. Shes a stranger to me.
How can you say that? Shes your own child!
She wont be mine for much longer. She turned away to face the wall.
I called in the heavy artillery: Mum. Liz finally agreed to take the baby home, and under the guise of helping out, Mum moved in with her. In reality, we were all watching over Liz. She looked after the baby mechanically, never lingering a minute longer with her daughter than absolutely necessary. Granny chose the name; her aunt carried her about.
Liz, Ill take her then. Ill bring her up. But you realise, soon enough, who will she know as Mum?
I dont care, so long as it isnt me.
A week later, paperwork was done and I was officially her guardian. Liz moved away to another city.
Little Alice grew up lively and full of giggles. She walked early, talked early, and called me Mum.
Twelve years later
Mum, I got three As today! And tomorrow our class is going to the cinema! Her cheerful voice filled the flat.
Is that her?
Yes, Liz. Please, dont
Hello! Im Alice. And you are?
A tall girl with big eyes stood at the kitchen door, glancing curiously at the woman by the table, and then at me, pale and shaken, by the window.
I… Im Liz. Your mother, Alice.
I asked you, Liz I said angrily, stepping toward my daughter. Alice, darling, Ill explain
No need, Mum. Lets listen to what she has to say. So, youre my mother, eh? And?
Ive come for you. I want you to live with me.
Why?
Because youre my daughter.
No, Im not. Ive only ever had one Mum, and shes standing right here. I dont need another. And I hope I never see you again. Alice turned and walked out.
I sank onto a chair, all energy gone.
What have you achieved with all this?
Not yet, but I will. Even if I have to go to court.
Why are you doing this, Liz? You gave her up, you wanted nothing to do with her. None of us understood why. And now after all these years you expect her to run into your arms? Please, Liz, go and see Mum. I need to be with my daughter now.
My niece, dont you mean? Liz shot back as she stood up.
With a sigh, I shut the door and went to Alices room.
Alice, sweetheart
Mum, wait. Before you say anything, let me speak. I know everything. Remember last year when we were helping Granny tidy up? I found my guardianship papers. I was furious at first, thinking youd kept this secret from me. I even wanted to find her, to ask why. And then I realised, I didnt need any of that. Youre my Mum. Ive never needed anyone else.
Alice, my girl, Id never let you go.
And I wouldnt let myself be taken, Alice laughed. Do you remember my classmate Joe? His mums a solicitorspecialises in family law. Give her a ring.
You know, darling, you dont need to rush off growing up just yet. You may have it all sorted in your head, but Im still the grown-up and your Mum, for now at least. I hugged her and laughed.
What followed was months of nerves and legal wrangling, but the court kept things as they were. Alices wishes were clearshe wanted nothing to do with her biological mother.
Afterwards, Liz and I stood outside the courthouse.
Well, thats that. At last this nightmares over. I breathed out in relief. What will you do next?
Ill be heading off, Claire. I wont interfere, but I want to help, if youll let me. Alice has had an account set up for her for years, the documents are with Mum.
But, Liz, why? Why did you leave her in the first place?
There was no romance, Claire nothing of the sort. Just a dark park, late at night.
I felt the air leave my lungs.
You never told anyone? All these years?
There was nothing to fix. So I kept quiet. At first I thought it was early menopause; realised too late. Alice doesnt need to know. This is my burden, not hers. Maybe, one day, shell forgive me.
I hugged her, and we both looked over to where Alice stood with Granny.
Sometimes, the worst things life throws at us turn out to be the most precious. Shes just beautiful, Liz said, wiping her eyes. For the first time in so many years, I saw her smile.
Looking back now, I realise how deeply the past can echo through our lives, but the love we give and receive has the power to mend even the deepest wounds. And that, I think, is the lesson I must always remember.
