I retired and have found myself feeling irretrievably lonely. Only in my later years did I truly see that Id not lived my life wisely.
Many women say loneliness is a wretched thing. They claim happiness comes from having a big family, a heap of responsibilities, and endless worries. I never saw things that way. I lived each day for myself. No one ever demanded anything of me. There were no ties binding me. No family games, no evening routines.
After university, I started working for a large travel company based in London. For a time, I also modelled for a reputable English brand, which paid well. I managed to earn a great deal of money. My circle of friendsCharlotte, Eleanor, and Imogenwere all as successful and well-off as I was.
I thought of myself as fortunate, travelling all over Europe and beyond. There were men in my life, and I enjoyed their company, but often grew bored of them. If I lost interest, I ended things and moved on. I never once considered having children. Give up my free time for them? Trade a life of beauty and wealth for the worries of a fretful mother, obsessed over every tiny concern for her child? The thought of that responsibility paralysed me.
The years raced by. Now I am retired, living in a quiet flat in Oxfordshire. The loneliness is, at times, overwhelming. I never married, never had a child. It is only now, in my old age, that I regret not becoming a mothereven to just one child. I didnt want to at first, then couldnt be bothered, then was simply too busy, and at last, it was too late. I never believed motherhood was a blessing to be cherished.
I look now at my sister Edith, with her two children and three grandchildren. I was ever the proud onenever listening, always convinced I knew best. Now, I long to turn my life around: to make peace with my family, to spend afternoons with my nieces and nephews. Perhaps even meet a mansomeone alone, like meand finally build a family of my own, however late in the day. Maybe, just maybe, it isnt too late for that.
If I have learned anything, its that wealth and freedom can sometimes feel hollow when you have no one truly close by your side.
