Release Me
Sometimes Jane would stop abruptly. She’d freeze in one spot, then suddenly turn around and peer into the darkness with her swollen tear-stained eyes. But she saw nothing. She couldn’t see or hear, but she could feel.
*****
Jane thought about her cat everywhere: in her empty flat, on the street, in a crowded bus, while sitting at her desk in the office or standing in line for the coffee machine.
She didn’t stop thinking even when she went to the shop for groceries or when she came out with heavy bags in her hands.
Sometimes it seemed to her…
…that she saw her. She really did!
The fluffy white tail of Snowball would appear before her eyes, quickly disappearing around the corner of a building or waving to her cheerfully from behind the nearest bench.
Oh, what a joy it was: to see. To see the one she couldn’t live without. The one who was always there.
In such moments, a spark of hope would light up in the woman’s gloomy eyes.
A small, almost ghostly hope. What if everything that happened wasn’t real?
Oh, how she wished to believe it.
But it was only a moment.
A glimpse between the past and the future. The past, which can’t be returned, and the future…
…which would never come.
No matter how hard she tried to find her beloved “blonde” in the endless grey days, nothing worked out, and tears welled up in her eyes.
Big, hot drops rolled down her cheeks, carrying away sadness, pain, and the last sliver of hope.
“Jane, you can’t go on like this!” her friends would tell her. “Let her go!”
But she couldn’t let go.
How can you let go of someone you love? How?! Does letting go mean forgetting? Forgetting?! Are you out of your mind?
She tried, she really did, but nothing worked. Because she couldn’t forget.
How to forget if she thinks about her every single day?
The only thing she wanted to forget and erase forever from her memory was…
…that very day when Snowball was suddenly gone.
Yes, her cat was quite old and had been ill lately, but she didn’t think it would happen so soon. She wasn’t prepared for it. Can you ever truly be prepared for something like this?
Those who are prepared are ready to let go. But she didn’t want to let go. She couldn’t.
And she didn’t care what her friends thought, or what her colleagues whispered behind her back, twirling their fingers near their temples.
Everything is known in comparison. And for them, friends and colleagues, there was nothing to compare it to.
Maybe, over time, something would change. But right now… the pain was still too strong and…
…her exhausted imagination painted very vivid, lively pictures.
She would wake up in the morning and see Snowball lying beside her feet: her heart would immediately start beating harder, faster, almost ready to leap from her chest. But when Jane tried to reach out to the cat with her hand, reality would set in and the smile faded from her face.
From a reality like this, you could lose your mind.
And Jane would have, if not for the imagination, which hastily began sketching other pictures in her mind.
Here was Snowball gracefully walking along the shelf with books, jumping down to the floor, running into the next room…
There she was, lying on the windowsill, grooming her white fur and smiling at the sun, which cheekily peeked through the window to admire Snowball along with Jane.
How beautiful she was: a real blonde. Not a single dark spot.
Only small “freckles” adorned her sweet face, but they didn’t spoil the perfect image. On the contrary, they made it even more charming.
Jane had spent a long 15 years with her cat.
It’s a long time. Very long. Almost a lifetime, just on a smaller scale.
During that time so much had happened in her life: both good and bad.
Sometimes it seemed to her that everything…
There was no more strength to get up.
And no one to lend a hand. But then Snowball would run up and help her to rise. She penetrated the deepest parts of the soul and stirred something there with her measured purring.
It helped.
Jane would get up and carry on. Because she had something to live for and someone to live for. But now? What is the point of living now?
She sat on a bench and cried. Quietly crying, turning away every time people walked by. So that they wouldn’t ask her awkward questions.
And beside her sat Snowball. Pressing close to her entire body, purring, trying to soothe her owner.
Her former owner, because…
…she, the cat, was no longer in this world.
But she hadn’t reached the rainbow either. That’s why Jane didn’t let her go. Couldn’t let go.
“Let me go,” she’d meow.
“I can’t!” Jane cried, addressing not anyone specific, but to what surrounded her at that moment:
the trees standing silently, the clouds floating lazily across the blue sky, the sun setting over the horizon.
And so they sat together on the bench until the late night. Only Snowball could see and hear her owner, while Jane only sensed her presence. But even that meant a lot.
Wrapped in the evening chill, Jane felt that her legs in light shoes were cold, while her knees felt warm. Right on them was now sitting Snowball, caught between two worlds.
Between the world where she could never return, and the world she couldn’t reach.
No, Snowball didn’t blame her owner for this. How could she blame her for anything?
How can you blame someone who loved you more than life itself, who gave you life when others left you, a helpless kitten, to die on the street?
Oh, if she could live another life, Snowball would again be ready to go through pain and suffering for Jane to save her. To be with her again.
But does it ever happen like that?
The woman stood up and went home. And the cat followed behind her at some distance.
Sometimes Jane stopped. She’d freeze in one place, then suddenly turn and peer into the darkness with her swollen and tearful eyes. But she saw nothing. She didn’t see, didn’t hear, but she could feel.
She entered the flat, went to the bedroom, and lay down on the bed, while her beloved cat at that moment settled down beside her, at her feet. And Jane knew she was near… She knew and didn’t want to let go.
Perhaps this could go on for a long time. Very long. But time heals.
No, not completely, but it becomes easier. It’s normal. That’s how it’s supposed to be.
Even losing those dear and loved ones, you must move forward. Such is the fate of those who remain.
To remember…
To remember and cherish those very memories, soaked through with love and happiness.
Gradually, the pain of the loss dulled, Jane no longer thought of her cat every minute. She didn’t even think about her every day. She only recalled now and then, usually when she took walks in the evening in her yard.
And Snowball… She felt the “earthly pull” less and less.
Just a bit more, and she would reach the rainbow. From there she could continue watching over her owner, delighting in each of her successes and sharing her sorrows at failures.
She would always be there. You just need to let go. These are not our rules to break. You just must believe and…
…remember.
Everything else will be taken care of by the heavens. They know better how it should be.
Jane let Snowball go, and she left, not having the chance to say goodbye. But this event set in motion a huge, invisible wheel called “the cycle of things in nature.”
One day Jane was sitting on a bench, admiring the first star in the sky, when she heard a demanding meow at her feet. Lowering her gaze, she saw a kitten.
A white one. With blue bead-like eyes and ginger spots on her face.
She looked and couldn’t believe her eyes. No, of course, she knew that it wasn’t her Snowball.
But the kitten resembled her so much when she was little.
Could it really be possible for the same cats to be born again?
“Or is it just a coincidence?” thought Jane, picking the kitten up in her arms, and once more astonished when she realized it was a girl.
Does it happen that way or not, coincidence or not, no one knows for sure. But does it matter?
If this white kitten hadn’t had “freckles,” would Jane have not paid attention to her? She would have!
In life, sooner or later everything repeats itself, and those who remember will never pass by…
…what is destined for them.
And Jane didn’t pass by either.
She took the kitten home and bestowed upon it the same love she once gave her cat.
And she named this wonderful little one Snow White.
Jane’s flat then filled with sounds. Sounds of joy and happiness.
And to Snowball, it didn’t matter what she was called: in her past life she was Snowball, in this one – Snow White. Did it really matter? The main thing was her wish had come true!
Her beloved owner would once again shower her with warmth and love, just like before, and she would again share with her a piece of herself. How wonderful this world is, and life is beautiful too. The main thing is to remember…
