Dear Diary,
I received a packed suitcase from my wife today all her belongings neatly folded. Dont talk nonsense! she warned, and in that moment I finally thought about getting a video camera. Not only did I consider it; I installed cameras everywhere in the house. I kept it a secret from Tom, promising a surprise, and the surprise did indeed arrive.
How lucky I am that Emily chose to marry Tom instead of that clumsy Shane Collins! I thought, sinking into the armchair, my belly already round with pregnancy. Otherwise shed still be living in a council flat beyond the M25. In my mind, Shane could never aspire to more than that. No wonder everyone called him Shane rather than Sam a name sticks, and so does the ship that bears it.
Who would ever dub a great commander Shane of Macedonia? No one. It would be as absurd as calling a revered revolutionary Joe. Yet Shane Barlow sounded perfectly natural, and the title Operation Y and Other Adventures of Alexander would have been dismissed as nonsensesurely a flopif it werent for the charming nickname Shane.
Emily, Shane, and I had been friends since school, both of us infatuated with the pretty Emily. The three of us were inseparable. Shane always lost to the witty and attractive Victor, but he pretended not to notice, and that loss never harmed our friendship; Shane was good at keeping friends.
After graduation, Emily finally chose Tom, and I stepped asidethird wheel, as they say. Three months later, after starting university, Tom left her for a fellow student. In desperation, Emily called Shane, this time calling him Sam. That faithful Shane rushed to her side, brightening her loneliness and pulling her out of a deep gloom.
Nothing ever happened between us, and it was enough for him simply to be near the woman he adored. By early spring Emily fell for Victor, who finally displaced Shane from her heart. Her chosen one turned out to be a senior student at the same university, a few years older, whom she met in the librarya relic of the predigital age.
Shane faded into the background; Emilys thoughts were consumed by Arthur, the older student. Shane, who after school had enrolled in a college of architecture and planning, always seemed to be fiddling with some useless gadget, just learning a trade, as his mother, from a large family that prized money, would say. One year more of study and Ill have a profession! hed grin.
Emily found life with Arthur dull, though he was wellmeaning. She craved love and affectionnot with the shy, tightlyknit guy shed been with. Soon enough, a more experienced woman, Tema, opened the door to a world of real feelings for her. They even talked about marriage; after a year together, Arthur was about to graduate, Emily was in her second yearwhy not tie the knot?
Then Tema secured her degree, and the wedding plans moved forward. Just then, Shane called to remind her of the upcoming alumni reunion. Going, Emily? he asked. She agreed, thinking, Let Tom see what hes missing; Ill tell my former suitor Im about to get married.
Shane had landed a decent job at a reputable construction firm and was earning well. He and Tom remained friends. Shane told Emily that her former admirer was now completely single and also planning to attend the reunion. The event was set for the first Saturday in February. Emily chose a pretty dress, a mink coat over it, and we headed out togetherShane driving his own car to pick her up.
Seeing her old love again, Emily realized she had been fooling herself; nothing had truly passed between them, just a lingering ember waiting for its turn. That moment finally arrived. Tom was also pleased to see Emily; shed grown remarkably over the past eighteen months, a fact he never mentioned to Shane. For Shane, it didnt matter; Emily would always be the most beautiful in his eyesshed always been that way.
Emily and Tom exchanged a glance, then, without a word, left together, heading straight to his flat where they made up for lost time. Shane, once more, was the third wheel.
The wedding with Arthur fell through; in August, a pregnant Emily married Tom after Victor proposed. Now she awaited their first childa girl, according to the ultrasound. Victor proved a decent husband; after the wedding he switched to the night shift as a courier, a job in demand and fairly wellpaid.
Emily finished her thirdyear exams externally, aided by her parents finances. It was an ordinary life for an ordinary happy family. In due course, little Lily arrived.
Time flew, and Lily grew, soon walking on tiny feet. We decided not to send her to a nurserywho knows what could happen there, and a toddler cant speak up if somethings wrong. We hired a nanny because my motherinlaw was still working and my fatherinlaw couldnt keep up with changing nappies.
After a careful search, we chose twentytwoyearold Agnes, a parttime student who also worked as a nanny. She had solid references, although I thought she wasnt particularly attractivewhich, in hindsight, was a blessing; no one wants to dig a grave for themselves.
Agnes asked for a slightly lower rate, and everything fell into place. Emily began her studies again; Agnes started her duties. The two quickly formed a rapportLily loved the nanny and clung to her, running to her by the hand. If Lily felt unwell, shed make herself known, whether by crying or screaming, which put us at ease.
One afternoon, while bathing Lily, I noticed a rash that shouldnt have been thereno more of the oldfashioned diapers now. I kept it from Agnes, fearing it might cause panic. Modern creams and powders were plentiful, and I handled it myself.
Later, the rash worsened, and we called a paediatrician. It turned out to be allergic dermatitis. Lily was allergic to certain foods, but Agnes had been warned and we never fed those items. Yet she swore she hadnt given her anythingBy God, I didnt! she exclaimed, citing her nursing courses.
Dont be ridiculous, Tom retorted. Lets do allergy tests and sort it out; dont stress yourself.
That night, I finally thought again about the video cameras and, as before, installed them everywhere, keeping the plan a secret from Victoranother surprise awaited.
It turned out Lily was largely on her own after my wife left for her studies. Victor and Agnes were in the bedroom, and the little one roamed the two other rooms. The house was littered with junk foodchips, Victors favourite snack, and apparently Agness too. Lily, curious as ever, sampled them.
When I returned, everything was tidied up; the kids had cleaned up after themselves, a small victory. I later discovered that Agnes had once been Victors college romance during his first yearhe had left her for me. When he broke up with her, she took her university papers and became a nanny. How those lives tangled, I never fully understood.
My parents owned the flat we lived in, so the lovers were denied a home of their own. Agnes received friendly words peppered with profanity and a calculated sum from my husband, and a packed suitcase of my belongingsEmily had no intention of forgiving me.
They left, together, and Tom didnt even apologise. He seemed blind to any fault in his actions, calling everything Gods grace. I felt nauseous, as if every misstep had hammered me again. Then I remembered the clumsy yet loyal Shanemaybe he could lift my spirits.
He would have arrived in a flash, delivering his usual awkward jokes and chatter, exactly what I needed. Yet this time he couldnt make it. Cant do it, Emily! I heard, instead of his usual, Got it, Im on my way! He said he was heading to his wifes maternity ward because their son had been born, and he had no time for idle chatter.
Son? What son? What wife? He loves Emily! I thought, bewildered. Yet the fact stood: our classmate Shane had a newborn, and he was preoccupied.
What did I really want? A grown man leaping at my side until retirement? Tom had recently mentioned a promotion; now he ran some department. I felt a bitter, almost betrayal, that everyone had abandoned memy husband, my socalled friend. Especially Tom. The thought of him leaving our child seemed unforgivable.
If Lily ever choked, we wouldnt have heard her from a locked bedroom. And Shane, if hed been there, probably would never have betrayed me.
So here I am, penning these thoughts, trying to make sense of the chaos that has become my life.
