A SENSE OF DREAD
You know those nights when you just cant sleep, and you cant really figure out why? That was exactly what happened to Emily. She woke up in the middle of the night, her heart tight and heavy, tears rolling down her face for no real reason she could understand. Maybe a bad dream, or just a gut feelingbut she couldnt shake this awful sense that something terrible was about to happen.
Emily wandered over to little Jamies cot. He was blissfully asleep, chubby cheeks squished against the mattress, making a funny little smacking noise with his lips. She tucked the blanket around him a bit tighter and tiptoed into the kitchen, where it was pitch black outside.
Em, cant sleep again? came Toms sleepy voice from behind her.
Yeah. I just I dont know, Tom. Somethings wrong with me, she said quietly.
Maybe its just the classic postnatal depression! he tried to joke, rubbing her shoulder.
I doubt it. Jamies nearly six months. I havent felt down at alland then this hits out of nowhere.
You know what its like. Hormones, nerves. Try not to worrythingsll turn out fine.
Im scared, Tom, Emily whispered, holding onto him tightly.
Itll all be alright, he reassured her, hugging her close.
Three weeks later, Emily was asked to bring Jamie in to see the family doctor. It was just one of those usual baby check-ups, as Jamie had just turned six months. Theyd done all the tests. So when the nurse rang, Emily wasnt expecting anything.
Is something wrong? she asked.
Emily, dont worry. The doctor just needs a chat, the nurse said.
At the surgery, the waiting room was packed, and that feeling of dread was back in full force. By the time they were finally called in, Emily nearly burst into tears right there and then.
Take a seat, Dr. Matthews said softly. Emily, I need to talk to you. Please, try not to worry, but we need some more tests.
Emily just stared at her. Suddenly, all those horrible feelings seemed horribly justified.
Whats going on? she breathed.
Jamies blood test results arent where wed expect. His white blood cell count is much too high, and there are some other markers that concern me. I want him to have his blood tests redone. Preferably at a specialist centre.
Where?
St. Georges Oncology Centre, the doctor replied.
To this day, Emily cant really remember the walk home. Tom was already in, having rushed back from work after she messaged.
What happened? he asked, seeing the tears streaming down her face.
Theyre sending us to the oncology centre for more tests, she managed through quiet sobs.
But it might be nothing serious, Em! They just want to be sure, Tom tried to calm her down.
No, Tom, this isnt just a precaution. Ive felt it, I just didnt know what was coming, or where from.
She held Jamie close and sobbed bitterly, as he shifted in his sleep, blissfully unaware of how much his world was about to change.
Acute leukaemia, the consultant finally said after studying the tests. We need to start treatment straightaway.
Emily broke down. She couldnt believe this was really happening. They wouldnt let her stay with Jamie during the chemotherapy, and he was moved into intensive care. Emily sat outside the doors, refusing to leave.
You should go home, one of the nurses gently urged her. Youre not allowed in tonight anyway!
But what will I do there without my son? she pleaded.
Emily and Tom had been married eight years. She struggled to fall pregnant; they both went through endless tests, although nothing seemed out of the ordinary. But Jamie had arrived in their eighth year together, after a long, anxious wait. Tom had absolutely doted on her, carrying her shopping, not letting her lift a finger. Emily had spent the last month of her pregnancy at St. Georges, because thered been a risk of early labour. Six months ago, she finally welcomed her little boy, named after Toms late fatherwhod died in a car accident a few years before.
Emily, love, you shouldnt name a child after someone who died unexpectedly, her gran had protested when she heard the news.
Oh Gran, thats just old superstition, Emily had laughed, bursting with happiness and determined that nothing spoil it.
She spent nights by Jamies hospital bed. Hed lost so much weight, his cheeks gone pale, dark circles under his eyes. Her tears were constant now, and she hardly even noticed. Theyd finally let her stay in Jamies sterile room, after shed raised hell with the consultanthe worried so much about risk of infection. But Emily couldnt bear another minute apart.
We dont perform that operation here, the head doctor, Mr. Whitfield, told her the next day.
Where do they do it? Emily demanded.
In Israel, only there. Its extremely expensive.
Well get the money. Please, do everything needed, send the documents.
They sent off Jamies records to a clinic in Israel who specialised in treating leukaemia. The answer came quickly: yes, they could admit Jamie, but the cost was over £200,000.
Em, even if we sell the house and car, we wont have anywhere near enough! Tom said, looking crushed. Ive put a call out for help, but its going to take time.
We dont have more than two months, Emily sobbed. We have to think of something.
Everyone pitched inToms work, Emilys colleagues, the local charity, friends, even strangers. The council chipped in, local volunteers held cake sales and pub quizzes. They managed just over half the money, but it wasnt enough, and time was ticking down.
Em, you go. Anything else I can raise, Ill send out to you. Maybe someone will want the house… Tom said, holding her hand.
The whole village was rooting for them, but raising that sort of money felt impossible.
With the paperwork sorted, Emily and Jamie flew to Israel. They started his treatment, but she tried not to let the outstanding bills eat up all her thoughtsshe just hoped for a miracle. Jamies first birthday was only a month away.
In the next room in the clinic, there was another mothera woman named Helen, with her three-year-old son, Ben. It turned out they were both from towns in Yorkshire, just a short drive from each other back home. Helen had managed to raise the full amount for Bens operation, but his case was further along; the treatments kept getting postponed because they couldnt get his leukaemia under control.
Dont cry! Helen encouraged Emily, reaching over. Everythings going to work out. Youll be taking Jamie to the circus or the zoo soon enoughBen loved the bears last year, watched them for ages. I never guessed anything was wrong then. His nose started bleeding at the zooI couldnt stop it, it scared me senseless. It happened a couple more times…and then we finally went to the hospital. Stage 3, they said. How didnt I see it sooner?
Helen, love, well get through this. Well take our boys to the zoo together! Emily promised, holding her hand.
But I knew something was off! He lost weight, he went so pale, stopped eating so well, always poorly. Why didnt I run for help immediately? This is my fault. My mum even said she thought things werent right. I wouldnt believe it! Helen sobbed, broken.
What could Emily say? There were no words that could make it better.
A few days later, Ben took a turn for the worse, and was rushed into intensive care. Helen wasnt allowed in and sat on the floor in the corridor outside, inconsolable.
Helen, come and rest, Emily tried to coax her.
No, I have to stay here, he can feel me close by. Thats how he knows his mums there, Helen replied.
He knows you love him, even from here. Come on, you need a break.
But Helen wouldnt budge. Eventually, the nurse gave her a sedative, and the pain shifted into this quiet, numb waiting.
Later that night, Tom called. Emily cradled Jamie as she answereddetermined not to waste one second apart from him. She didnt know how much time they had left.
Em, Ive sent just over £10,000 so far, Tom said. We had a young couple look at the housetheyre interested, Ive dropped the price, but they want to think for a couple of days.
Alright, Emily said softly, distractedbut before she could say more, a devastated scream echoed from the corridor. Jamie startled awake in her arms and started wailing. She stroked his hair, soothed him back to sleep, then laid him carefully in the cot and rushed out. She already knew. Helen sat in a heap by the doors to paediatrics, completely undone, nurses bustling around, trying to help, trying to get her to drink, to give her an injection. She was crying out, painful and raw in a way Emily had never seen.
Helen, youve got to hold on, Emily sobbed, hugging her friend. You have to keep going for Ben!
How can I? Hes gone, my little boys gone, and its my faulthow am I supposed to live with that? Helen wailed.
Emily kept holding her until the nurse gave another injection, and eventually helped her back to the room, unable to process the loss.
Let her rest, the night doctor said gently. Shell need time to grieve.
Emily couldnt sleep at all that night, terrified that if she closed her eyes for a second she might miss another precious minute with Jamie. She just sat, watching him, memorising every little detail.
Helen came by the next day, ghostly pale, older by ten years overnight. The two women stood a long time, arms around each other.
I hope you get your happy ending, Helen whispered, turning to go. Youve still got a chancegrab it. I have to go see to Bens funeral now, then the nine and forty days. Ill put up a stone, say goodbyeIve written you something, I cant say it out loud. She handed Emily a sealed envelope.
I will, said Emily, quietly.
After Helen left, the silence was crushing. Jamie was taken away for another round of treatment, and Emily sat down to read the letter.
My dear Emily, the shaky handwriting began. I so want Jamie to live. Let him live for my Ben toolet him grow, learn, play, be happy. Please take him to the zoo for me and say hello to the big black bear! Ive enclosed whats left of the money. Ben wont need it nowlet it help Jamie get well.
Emily wept. She wept for the chance this gift had given her son, and for the unbearable price Helen had paid.
Tom, dont sell the house, she told her husband on the phone the next day. Jamie and I will need somewhere to come home to!
Butwhat about the money? Tom asked, stunned.
Its sorted. Weve got enough now. Everything will be alright!
For the first time in weeks, Emily heard a real smile in his voice.
Jamies surgery went ahead the day after his first birthday. For days Emily shadowed the intensive care unit, just like Helen had. But this time, Jamie began to improve. After a while, they let Emily stay with him on the warda month in quarantine, then months of rehab, but that hardly matteredher boy was coming back to life.
Jamie started playing with toys again, nibbling his food, and even smiling. The first time he attempted Mama, Emily burst into grateful tears. They really had been given a miracle.
Bear! Jamie pointed at the massive black animal behind the bars, grinning.
Not bearrrr, its bear, darling! Emily corrected, laughing.
They had made it to the city zooyes, the same zoo where Ben had watched those bears. Emily stood by the enclosure, quietly, Hello, bearfrom Ben, she murmured.
Jamie, bouncing on Toms shoulders, giggled and shrieked, soaking up ice cream, seeing the world with bright, curious eyes. Their lives had come back to colour; the long hospital nights a distant memory. But sometimes, in the quiet dark, Emily still checked in on Jamie, listening to him breathe, her fears fading a little more each time. There was a whole life ahead of thema life for Jamie, and for the little boy whod given him this precious second chance.
