Paper House
Hurry up or well be late!
One sec, Dad! Lydia chirped back, hopping on one foot and tugging on her sock.
Her socks always made me smileone pink, one green, both a gift from her Aunt Caroline. Caroline had a flair for these things, and the trainers tooeach shoe a different colour, because, as she insisted, thats the fashion now.
Lydia believed whatever her Aunt Caroline told her. Caroline was a trend-setter, or so she claimed. Shed often say, If natures not given you the looks, you find other ways to stand out.
On the matter of looks, though, Lydia didnt agree with her aunt. What did it matter if someone didnt fit todays beauty standards? Caroline, tall and slender, dark-haired with storm-grey eyes, had an energy about her so bold, walks down the high street with her turned heads every time.
No one notices me?! Look at everyone staring!
Who? Caroline would pause and spin around, searching for attention.
At those moments Id watch Lydia laugh her heart outthat carefree, youthful laugh. Aunt or not, around Caroline, my girl seemed impossibly grown-up.
Carolines innocence always struck her.
He said he fancies me, Lydia! I dont know what to do!
Do you fancy him?
I do! But he terrifies me!
Why?
Hes just too handsome. All the girls at work chase after him and, for some reason, hes picked me. Its ridiculous!
Caroline, youre not ridiculous. Youre bright and brilliant. Why wouldnt he like you?
Rhetorical, of course. No matter how much Lydia tried, she couldnt break through Carolines armour of self-doubt. It often frustrated her, sometimes even to tears, but she was powerless to change it.
Its tough, my dads voice echoed in my head, to undo what someones worked so hard to instil.
Who, Dad? Why? Why take a confident girl and chip away at her self-worth? You didnt raise me like that!
I didnt, love. But she had different influences. Good teachers, mind you.
And for Caroline? Dad, I know youre talking about Gran. But you never just come out and say it.
What would I say? That my own mum raised her daughter wrong? Thats a heavy thing to put to a child. Youre old enough, though, to know parental respect. My mum brought me up alone at first. My stepdad, Peter, came later. You know how I felt about himhe became a true father to me. He waited for me to trust him, earned it, and gave me as much wisdom as I could take. Most importantly, he kept Mum out of raising me, said men ought to bring up boys.
That bit about Caroline?
He tried, but his own line tripped him up. She was a girl, after all. So Grandma raised her the way she believed best. Dont judge too harshlyshe meant well.
What reasons, Dad? When I look at Caroline, my heart aches. Shes wonderfultoo good, even. But shes always so unsure of herself, even scared. Shes afraid of people why?
Your gran was terrified for her, always anxious. Walked her to school by the hand up to sixth form, nearly. She thought something bad would happen to Caroline. Carolines birth was tough on hershe spent most of the pregnancy in hospital. Thats when I bonded with Peter, both of us waiting while someone we loved fought her way through it. Hed make soups, juice, trips to the butchers for liverall for Mum. I saw just how deeply he cared for her. Maybe thats when I learned what it was to be a man. Peter was never a talker. And I wish youd got to know him.
I dont remember him, Dad But that rocking horse he made for me, I remember that.
Yeah! While we waited for you, he built that horse. Good hands, Peter. He was in a lot of pain then, but he kept working. Worried he wouldnt finish in time.
Where is it now?
Up in the loft. Ill fetch it down for the grandkids one day.
Oh, Dad!
What? Youll make me a granddad, someday?
Not for a long while!
Phew! Thats a relief!
Dad!
What have I said now?
I swatted him playfully, but hed sidestepped more difficult questions for now. Our family was never simple, and Caroline used to call our home a paper house when she was a child.
But why paper, Carrie?
Even as a scrawny, spotty sixth former pressed for time, Id stop to chat with my little sister. Her answer always amused me.
Because its like this tulip you made. Caroline spun the paper flower in her hands. See how pretty it is? But watch what happens
She set the flower on her palm and, suddenly, clapped her other hand over it.
Whyd you do that? I gasped, startled by the sound.
Its empty inside. See? Make another one!
Are you going to squash that too?
No, Ill show you something else.
With determination, she squashed some playdough through the tiny hole at the base of the new paper tulip Id made, filling it right to the top.
See? Now I cant crush it. Its paper, but its sturdy now. Our house isnt. It needs something to fill it up inside.
The depth of her words unsettled me. Wise for her years, that one. I twirled the paper flower, feeling its surprising weight.
Id learnt to make those from Alice, my classmate. She was serious in looks, but could never sit still. Her nervous, nimble fingers turned paper into birds and frogs, bouquets of tulips by end of lesson. Teachers never minded. She was top of the form, always had the answer, so what if she used up the scrap paper? At least she learned.
I collected Alices crafts and took them home for Caroline, whod marvel at each new treasure.
How does she make them?
Want me to ask her to show you?
Please!
With special permission, Id take my sister to the park. Asking Mum to let Alice come home never crossed my mindshe wouldnt have approved.
Mum, Margaret Stevens, was strict. Sometimes far too strict. I loved her, always excused her fussing as worry for us.
Ollie! You need to think for yourself about the future! No one owes you anything. Im your mother, yes, but my responsibility was to have you and raise you as best I could. The rest is up to you. Carolines still a child. Dont expect Peter to help, hes your stepfather, not your father. Hope you understand that.
I never argued, though I knew if things went wrong, Peter would always be there. Id long since started calling him Dad.
Had she ever spoken to us like her children, not colleagues? Only when Peter was out. Otherwise, he wouldnt have tolerated ithed believed the family should be put above everything.
But Id learnt early that being okay meant different things to Mum and Dad. Dad thought love and indulgence were vital, Mum favoured disciplineand fear.
Mum worried about Caroline constantly. Just in case became her catchphrase when I was young, and when Caroline was born, it became all-consuming.
Someone could hurt Caroline!
This extended to friends (none good enough), teachers and coaches (just professional contact, no warmth allowed), even strangers. There was no need for othersfamily was enough; the outside world could hurt.
Why was Mum so convinced everyone wished us ill? I didnt know until much later; I simply watched her pace about the house like a caged tiger, trying to do everything at once. She switched jobs so her hours allowed collecting Caroline; learned to drive just to ferry her to every club and lessonanything rather than let her venture out alone. I helped, but by then I had my own life.
And in that life, there was Aliceand then our daughter, Lydia. This came as a shock to my mumhaving a granddaughter before I was even twenty-five wasnt in her plans.
Ollie! Why so soon? Sounwiseyour degree isnt finished! Mum stood at the kitchen window, arms wrapped around herself, trembling whenever she was anxious.
Mum, Im not a baby anymore. I stand by my choices. Alice is expecting, my child, understand?
You could have taken precautions! Its not too late even now
Stop, Mum! I wont listen to another word. Ill put it down to shock and let it go. Thats all Ill say.
I left the kitchen, stopped in on Caroline, and then saw Peter.
Peter had been ill for months nowgrim, painful, and silent. He didnt want to burden Mum or Caroline, and only sometimes let me see how hard it was.
That afternoon, he squeezed my hand tight and pressed the keys to his flat into my palm.
Well fix the paperwork this week. Dont worry about your mum and sistertheyll keep the country house. Theres a new development planned, property values are up. You lot wont want for anything. As for you, youre rightyour child needs a home. A solid, sturdy home. You get what I mean?
I do, Dad. Thank you
Peter never met Lydia. He died silently, without a word, a week before her birth.
Without being asked, I took on leading the family, and Caroline breathed easier for it. She knew I kept one of her old paper tulips above my work desk.
Why? Shed probe the delicate petals, feeling the playdough setting inside.
It reminds me not to be hollow. Reminds me what Im supposed to do.
And whats that?
To fill our lives with something more than emptiness. For Alice and Lydia. For you and Mum, too.
Thats not easy, Ollie. Mum won’t listen.
But I have to try.
You do Caroline would sigh and change the subject. She didnt want open war at home.
Things with Mum were complicated. After Peter died, she seemed to seal off part of herself. Caroline couldnt understand what was happening, but I didnt need to guess. I remembered how it was when Dad left usI was four. Mums tears, her smashing the beloved crystal vase against the wall, gathering bits and shouting at me as I stood in the corner. It stuck with me. I spent whole days in that miserable corner, Mum flying into fits and just as quickly drowning me in apologies and kisses. I grew thick-skinned.
You’re tough as old boots, my boy! Untouchable. I cry my eyes out and you dont even shed a tear. Dont you feel for your mum? Shed stop only when she saw me biting my lip to hold back tears. I knew I was right about you! Come here, my lad. I love you, too.
I remembered all her mind games and tried to shield Caroline as best as I could. Living with Mum was a mistakeI knew it. Alice was fragile, like the paper animals she once folded.
Son, I told you. Lucky Lydia was born healthy! Poor Alice, so young and already frail. What future does a young woman have with a weak heart?! You run ragged between home and work. The little ones just a baby Oh, son, how important good choices are
I clenched my teeth, restraining myself. Mum, stop! Youll just upset us both.
No, no, son! I didnt mean anything! You know mealways too blunt.
Far too much I would scoop up Lydia after Mum minded her at weekends and escape home, sometimes forgetting to ask Caroline how she was after all that.
But Caroline never complained. So like her dadquiet, serious, reserved except with family.
Her relationship with Mum was tricky. Love and trust balanced on a narrow strip of ice. A wrong move, and the ice cracked, plunging her into loneliness.
Alice passed away five years after Lydias birth. One morning she simply didnt wake up. I was getting ready for work, tiptoeing around the kitchen when I dropped a boiling kettle, frightening both the cat and myself, but it didnt matter anymore. The moment I peered into the bedroom, I knew. Time seemed to stop. Only one thought banged about in my head:
Lydia!
I forced myself into the childs room. Her beloved plush cat was there, but Lydia was staying at Grandmas. Id taken her over the moment I picked her up from nursery. Clutching the toy, I howled, half-crazed with grief.
How long I stayed there, I couldnt say, but eventually a sliver of light got through. I called Mum:
Mum? Lydiall stay with you a bit longer. Yes, I know youve got work. Its got to be. Ill let you know
For weeks after, I remember nothing clearly. I must have cooked, tidied, kept the child fed somehow. Lydia clung to me in those days, barely letting me out of her sight. She almost never asked questions about Alice. At first, I didnt notice, but then one day I saw her sneak into the closed bedroom, sit by the bed and whisper to the big framed photo of Alice. Thats when I realised: Lydia already knew.
I didnt go in. Later, as she left, I scooped her up, buried my face in those lopsided plaits Id managed that morning, and asked:
Who told you?
Grandma. She said we must look after you. And not talk about Mum, else youd get sad.
I squeezed her until she squeaked, then let go.
Im sorry, love. For everything. You can talk to me about Mum whenever you want. Dont listen to anyone else, just me, alright?
Lydias shudder and sob showed me just how heavily shed been carrying her own painand just how little help Id been. I berated myself for not having protected her better and seethed that Mum couldnt see what I thought was obvious.
That resentment only worsened when, one night, Caroline arrived at my door in tears.
Id been sitting in the kitchen, stroking the cat and staring at the dark window, thoughts a muddle. No sleep these daysId resorted to a blow-up mattress in Lydias room because the bed now was only a reminder of absence. Something had to change; maybe wed move, I thought.
I barely heard the knock, but there stood Caroline, rain-soaked, the picture of misery. At once, she fell into my arms.
Carrie? What?
It hurts Shakily, she leaned into me and I lifted her up.
The ambulance came in half an hour. Soon shed dozed off on the mattress in Lydias room, never quite getting out the whole story.
But in the morning, I saw the bruises up her arms.
What happened?
She tried to hide the blue marks under my old t-shirt.
Carrie?
Ollie, I cant talk about it.
I get it, but you have to. I need to help youyou know that.
She burst into tears and shook her head.
Mum? The word felt like poison.
Caroline nodded, then gripped my hands.
Dont send me back to her. I cant, Ollie, Im scared
As I calmed her, a plan already forming in my head, I realised that a showdown would only make matters worse. Whatever had happened had driven Mum past her usual boundariesa desperate need to keep her daughter, the only thing left truly hers.
Tell me everything. Just tell me, Carrie. I promise, Ill make it better. You trust me, dont you?
If shed hesitated, just for a second, Id never have forgiven myself as a man. But she understood, nodded, and composed herself, suddenly looking so much like her dad it stung. Letting him down was never an option. If she needed help, who else but me should give it?
Mum found out Id been seeing Benyou remember him?
That tousled-haired bloke? I pushed tea and a sandwich her way. Eat.
Not hungry but yes, thats him. We just went to the cinematwice! Thats it. He didnt even try to kiss me, for heavens sake!
Carrie, calm down. I believe you. What happened with Mum?
She screamed at me! Shook me like a rag doll, yelling things you wouldnt believe I cant even repeat them. What have I done? Have I really deserved this? I always listened, always! I know Im not ready for anything serious yet. She said Id end up with a child on my hands like you Sorry! I shouldnt have said that butoh, Ollie, I really am the silly girl she claims!
She broke down completely and, for a moment, I didnt know how to help her. But then I realisedshe looked just like Lydia at her lowest. So I gathered her onto my knee, hugged her as tight as I used to Lydia, and wiped her tears gently.
Youll flood the kitchen! You big crybaby, nobodys going to hurt you now. Not on my watch, alright?
She stared at me, wide-eyed, so I repeated, firm as a drumbeat:
No one! Not even Mum. I promised Dad. You think Id break that promise?
She shook her head.
Right. He raised me to keep my word. Will you watch Lydia? Shell be up soon. Feed her something, Im off to see Mum.
No! Please!
I have to. I sat her down and pushed the sandwich into her hands. Finish that, freshen up. Dont scare my child!
The conversation with Mum was a disasterMargaret yelled, demanded I bring Caroline straight home, before dissolving into tears, begging me to give her life back. I listened, waited it out.
Mum, Carolines staying with me.
I silenced her protests with a hand.
For now. She needs peace. So do you.
But, Ollie! Her classes, training, exams are all coming up! The end of term
Mum, do you hear yourself? You didnt even look for her last night! What if she hadnt come to me?
I thought she was in her room!
Your need for control is blinding you! We’re not dolls; were people. Wish it had ever crossed your mind.
Dont talk rubbish, Ollie!
When did you last speak to me like your son, and not a subordinate? Asked how I was coping after Alice? Never. You help with Lydia, and I thank you, but you treat me like Im employed by you. Its the same with Caroline. Were your kids, not your workforce! Youre a fine manager, Im sure, but as a mumsorry, but I have to say ityouve failed us! Now, while your daughter sobs in another part of the city, your only worry is her next exam or another trophy on the shelf! You need to stop. I know what youll sayfuture, hard work, blah blah. Well, Caroline has me. Let her finish school however she likes! Ill pay for her to study, shell get her qualifications. Did you know she wants to be a vet, not a doctor like you pushed? A vet! She wants it, herself. And she will. That I promise.
You cant just decide for her! Im her mother!
And that gives you the right to break her? No, Mum. I stopped.
She was no longer a fierce lioness, but a bedraggled, lost woman who’d run out of ideas. She was shouting, but all the certainty had drained away.
I rested my hands on her shoulders, met her gaze.
Mum, do you want to end up alone? Im not threatening. But if this goes on, youll lose us both. Well survivewe wont leave each other. But you? Think about it.
I kissed her forehead and left, sinking down on the well-worn stairs. Id bounded up and down them a thousand times in my life. Yet at that moment, I couldnt move another step. I just sat, frozen, counting each stairstrange, really, to have run up and down so often and never really noticed how many there were.
A ringing phone brought me back. I stood, counted the stairs properly, nodded to myself, and went home. I knew what to do.
It worked. Mum buckled before long. Two days later she turned up, olive branch in hand. The process was slow.
Caroline couldnt forgive so quickly. For five more years, their relationship swung erratically, sometimes up, sometimes down.
Mum tried hard thenshe understood: her children werent little anymore. They wouldnt just sit and wait for her to see reason. Her new refrain was, Theres two of them, together, but what about me?
Caroline graduated and got a post at a great clinic. Lydia cackled to see me groaning when Auntie brought home her endless menagerie of ‘patients’.
Caroline, thats a python!
So what? Look how charming he is, Ollie! Feel how warm. Stroke him. Go on! See? Not scary. Hes just waiting for his owner to come back from holiday. Poor Stanleys all alone otherwise!
Stanley? Hes got a name?
Of course!
Lydia danced about, threatening shed be a vet too. Over my dead body!” Id cry in mock terror.
Work, home, the odd stiff encounter with MumCaroline just drifted. Lydia tried to find her a boyfriend among my mates, but nothing came of it.
Then came the news:
I want to introduce you to my boyfriend, Caroline blushed. And promise you wont laugh.
Caroline, youve got us nearly in tears already! Lydia hugged her.
A right trainerchomped yesterday by Stanley as hed slithered round the housewas finally extricated from under my bed, and Lydia, now shod, flew to the hall.
All done!
Miracle! I rolled my eyes. No need to rush now. Caroline will never forgive us!
Dad, be reasonable! Weve half an hour yet!
We spotted them earlywalking arm in arm down the park lane.
Dad, you think its him? The wild-haired one?
Lydias whisper wasnt exactly quiet. Caroline frowned theatrically and wagged a finger.
Ben.
Ollie.
Handshake, smile, nod.
Lydia.
Wild-haired! Ben burst out laughing, shooting Caroline a look. Dont scowl like that! Smile for me, please. There you go. You should always smile. Blimey, those are some trainers! I want a pair like that!
Lydia and I exchanged glances and laughed. Only then did Lydia see what had changed in her aunts eyesnot steel, but shining silver. It was beautiful; she stared, amazed, and clapped her hands, much to Bens amusement.
What? Were all a bit bonkers in this family. Youll get used to it!
Thats a relief! Now I know Ill fit right inwith your lovingunit? Or is it?
Family, Ben. Family! Lydia winked at her aunt, taking my arm as we strolled forward.
Theres the lesson Ive found from our paper house: love, for all its fragility, needs filling uployalty, understanding, and a bit of grit make even the softest walls stand strong. Thats what keeps our house standing, even when the wind blows.
