One day, I received a phone call from my distant aunt who invited me to the wedding of her daughtermy distant cousin, whom I last saw when she was six. Or rather, when she was six.
Family ties have never been my strong suit, and I tried to excuse myself, but my aunt was having none of it.
We see each other once every twenty yearsdont even think about not coming! she threatened.
An ornate invitation with doves and roses from Sophie and Andrew arrived soon after, followed by several reminders in the days leading up to the event. In the end, I had no choice but to go.
Well, thats Saturday ruined, I thought. But there was no avoiding it.
I turned up at the restaurant, clutching a bouquet with a miserable mood and plotting my escape at the first opportunity. I was shown into the reception room and seated with a lively group of the grooms friends, who, after a few pints, began to admire the young and gorgeous aunt of the bride, declaring I hardly seemed old enough, and that we simply must get better acquainted and enjoy the evening properly. So thats just what we did.
I didnt recognise the bride at all. After all these years, shed transformed from a dusky little girl into a voluptuous blonde with quite an impressive figurethough I had rather liked her as she was.
The atmosphere, all in all, was somewhat gloomy: glowering aunties and uncles, a groom with a hunted look about him, the bride so aware of her newfound beauty and, if not for my increasingly cheerful table, the whole thing resembled a wake. The aunties glared at us disapprovingly.
Id missed the first round of toasts, but soon enough, the second beganstarting with me. The master of ceremonies, having established my identity, cheerfully announced,
Now, young and beautiful Aunt will wish the newlyweds all the best!
So, with feeling, I began:
Dearest Sophie and Andrew
A hush fell over the room, so heavy you could almost slice it. At that moment, I realised I couldnt spot my aunt anywhereand highly doubted shed changed so much I wouldnt recognise her.
The bride is called Laura, hissed the pink-clad aunt opposite me. And the groom is Ben.
Laura? Ben?
Some people just show up to strangers parties for free food and drink, the pink aunt sneered. Same thing happened at our farewell do for Sam when he left for the army. No shame whatsoever.
Suddenly, I realised there was trouble brewing. The guests were tensing up, eyes glittering, a couple even starting to stand. They might not have rolled up their sleeves yet, but it felt close.
But I have an invitation! I exclaimed (yes, exclaimed), waving it in their faces. It says right here: Sophie and Andrew, this restaurant, this hall.
My saviour turned out to be a waiter.
Miss, weve another reception hall upstairs. Perhaps thats where youre meant to be?
Oh, I see how it is! came the stinging reply from the woman in pink. Wants a free meal here and then another one upstairs. Shameless! How do people like that walk the earth? Chancer!
And cheekiness, Irene, is a virtue, chipped in another, in lime green, twice as irritating.
For the record, I dont look the least bit dodgy, nor am I a petty opportunist. Although, as they say, appearances can be deceiving. The grooms friends took my side, but were immediately berated by the woman in lilac:
Oh look, shes already got the lads under her spell!
She probably stole our chief accountants husband just like that, added the lady in pink. You turn away for a moment and theyre goneminxes, the lot of them.
For the record, I have never run off with anyone elses husband, but, under their hostile glares, I almost felt as if I had, and even found myself scouting husbands in the roommay as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb at this point.
Thank goodness, the kind waiter found my actual aunt and brought her down from the other hall. She quickly sized up the situation and swore she knew me, winking broadly both at me and at the hosts, as if to suggest that, yes, Id always been a bit peculiar.
Long story short, I was swiftly relocated to the right reception, greeted by my tanned, beautiful cousin Sophie and, I think, Andrew, where I was plied with some very strong drinks to steady my nerves.
At least I hadnt given the present to the wrong couple.
And for what its worth, the grooms mates from the first wedding saw me safely out at the end of the evening.
In life, even when everything goes completely haywire and you end up at the wrong party, kindness and laughter can still rescue youand sometimes, a good sense of humour is the best invitation to happiness.
