Choice
So, turns out, Tom is well and truly married sighed Rachel, sitting on a bench in Hyde Park, nervously clutching the hospital referral letter in her coat pocket.
My flatmates envied me when they saw me with that dashing, smooth-shaven, blue-eyed dark-haired fellowsaid I was lucky to have such a charming escort. Nothing to envy in the end.
A shiver ran down my spine as I remembered that first and only encounter with Toms wife, who waited for me at the office entrance one grey London morning, ready to set things straight.
Well, hello! Rachel, is it? she began.
And you are? I stammered, bracing under the icy glare of this tall, slim woman with silvery-blonde hair.
Im EmilyTom Bensons wife.
Excuse me?
You heard me.
Another plain girl, she said evenly, How many of you are there in the world? Therell always be women clawing at other peoples happiness.
What gives you the right? I bristled, but she cut me off.
Listen the blonde took me firmly by the arm, What gives *you* the right? Im his lawful wife and Ive seen you with him. And yet you stand here with your nose in the air instead of apologising or making yourself scarce. I suppose decency is just a word to you.
She looked me up and down with a sort of resigned pity. Youre just one of many. Enough to count on fingers and toes, believe me. You got involved with a married man. Shameless.
Hes a man, a hunter. Thats all you are to hima fleeting adventure. Here today, gone tomorrow. Best you keep your distance. Weve got two girls at home, by the way. Fancy a look? She pulled out a cherished photo and thrust it into my startled hands. Here! Thats evidence of real love. Two months ago, in Bournemouth…
I fell silent.
What do you want from me? Sort it out with your husband, I muttered.
Oh, I will. He only started at that office recentlygood salary, and then you crop up. Do yourself a favour, walk away. Dont believe his promisesToms not leaving his family. Youre wasting your time. How old are you, thirty?
Twenty-five! I replied, stung.
All the more reason. Youve got time to marry and have a family of your own. Leave Tom alone.
I couldnt listen anymore. I walked away, legs like jelly, the wifes sudden entry into my happy ending tearing through my dreams and rosy hopes in an instant.
Traitor I whispered, a lump in my throat. But I wouldnt let myself fall apart in public. I didnt want any nonsense at work.
That evening Tom showed up at my door, as if nothing had happened, with a bunch of roses. I sent him away, red-eyed, no matter his promises of eternal love and vows to leave his wifeclaiming they were strangers now.
It took a fortnight to steady myself. Tom didnt bother me again. He pretended not to know me, turned away when we crossed paths.
Trouble never comes alone At first I chalked my morning sickness and dizziness up to the stress but soon enough, it became clear my naive, passionate affair with Tom had left me with more than heartache.
Six weeks, the doctor said, and the words felt like a sentence.
I was terrified at the idea of becoming a single mother. I started imagining everyone looking at me, judging me for trusting someone I barely knew.
Tom had hidden his marriage. What could I have donedemanded a passport at our first meeting? There was no wedding ringthough, not all married men wear them.
Why didnt I question sooner, when he insisted our relationship remain a secret at work?
Hed deceived me, and not knowing felt no better. Worst of all, the office soon buzzed with gossip over Emilys confrontation.
Im pregnant, I told Tom at lunch, desperate.
Ill give you some cashjust sort it out, he grumbled.
He quit his job the next day. That was the last I saw of him.
I knew I couldn’t delay things. Despite the doctor advising patience, I took the referral for the procedure.
And so there I was, clutching that slip of paper on a park bench as if it might float away.
In a hurry? asked a young chap in a business suit, plonking himself down beside me with a massive bouquet of burgundy chrysanthemums.
Sorry? I glanced up at the stranger with empty eyes.
Your watchits running fast, he nodded at my gold wristwatch.
Its always ten minutes ahead. I keep trying to set it right, but it never lasts, I mumbled, looking away.
Lovely weather, isnt it? A real Indian summer. My mum loves this time of yearshe always says she made her best decision on a warm autumn day like this and shes never regretted it.
You know, he chatted on, a bundle of energy next to my gloom, My mums just brilliant! He gave me a proud thumbs-up. I owe her everything.
And your dad? It slipped out before I realised.
She never speaks of him. And I never ask. I can see it pains her even now…
Im coming back from a job interview, you know. Out of ten applicants, they picked me! Its hard to believe never done office work before. I guess it was the confidence Mum gave me.
Already figured out what Ill spend my first pay cheque ona seaside holiday for Mum. Shes never seen the sea.
Youve been to the seaside? he asked.
No, I replied, eyeing his matching burgundy tie. He was a handsome lad, beaming with happiness.
Mum got me this, he smoothed the tie with pride, noticing where I looked.
Sorry for rabbiting onI just wanted to share my good news with someone, and you looked so sad Thought you might need a good natter. Am I bothering you?
I shook my head silently. Rather than annoying me, his chatter had, somehow, broken through the darkness swirling around me. His love for his mum was touching.
Such loyal love, I thought, watching and listening now with real interest, How lucky she is If only I had a son like that
Well, I must run. Mums probably waiting anxiously. And dont be in too much of a hurry!
Sorry, what?
I was talking to your watch, he grinned.
Oh. I smiled in return.
He soon disappeared from sight, and I took out the hospital referralthe very one Id been clutching so tightly only minutes beforeand tore it into tiny pieces.
I sat in the sun-drenched park for a long time afterward, breathing in the autumn air.
I felt calm and warm inside after that encounter with a stranger, who nevertheless felt so familiar.
I wasnt alone. That woman raised a wonderful son on her own. Shame I never asked his name, but that hardly matters now
Id made my choice.
***
Twenty-three years later
Mum, Im going to be late! Stan called, adjusting his suit at the hallway mirror, while I carefully tied his burgundy tiea new one, bought for his important job interview.
Maybe you should skip the tie.
No, it gives confidence, trust me. Everything will work outyoull get the job. There, perfect! I finished fiddling with his tie and stepped back, beaming with pride.
Im nervous, what if
Its your job, Stan. Its meant to be. Just answer honestly and dont forget to smileyoull charm them all.
Alright, Mum. He pecked my cheek and dashed off, briefcase in hand.
I watched him through the window, my precious boy striding towards the bus stop full of hope.
Suddenly, a shiver ran through me as if Id touched a live wire
Id seen all of this before.
That boy on the park bench, all those years ago
Stan in his suit, looking just like him
Id forgotten about that strange day for decades, but now the memory returned, vivid as ever.
How could this be? Was fate showing me, back then, the very child Id longed to keep, leading me to the right paththe right choiceafter all?
Why didnt I find out their names back then? It hardly matters now.
Everything turned out just right
That afternoon, Stan returned with a huge bunch of burgundy chrysanthemums, matching his tie, and announced hed got the job.
He promised hed finally take me to the seasideId never been. Now was the time for him to look after his mum, promising me the world and more. He truly would move mountains for me.
No matter the hardships wed faced through the years, a cuddle and the scent of his hair always made things better.
We got through it together, and never lost heart.
Not once have I regretted bringing Stan into the world.
It was the right choice for us.
And so it should be.
