Not Quite Julia
Julia! Again?! For heavens sake, youre not a childyoure a walking catastrophe! How is this even possible?
Mum, I dont know. It just happened
Her mother peeled the muddy coat off Julia, set aside her soggy boots, and frowned at her hat, now missing its pom-pom.
Other children behave sensibly, but not mine Julia! How much longer can this go on?
Julia examined her torn skirt with a weary sigh.
It had actually been great fun! The train game had gone splendidly. Pity that Alex had tugged a bit too hard at her hem, tearing the dress. Mrs. Katherine had said, quite adamantly, that she wasnt paid to do mending and Julias mother would have to sort it out herself. Fair enough! Still it meant Julia spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on a stool in the corner, missing out and trying not to let her knickers show in front of the boys. That would have been dreadfully improperher gran always said so, and gran knew about these things.
Gran understood, for instance, that Julia was just like that. Not so with her mother, but gran accepted it easily.
Stop pecking at the child! What a strange way to carry on, gran would say.
Mum, you raised me the same way! Why say its wrong now? If I dont keep Julia in line, whatll come of her?
Shell be clever and beautiful, just like you. Isnt that enough?
Oh, do stop! Ive no time for nonsense. Julia! Go and changenow!
With a sigh of relief, Julia would escape to her room while her two favourite people resumed their squabble, this time without needing her as a prop. Thats all she often felta pretext for their arguments.
Once, Julia asked her gran what pretext meant. Gran only chuckled.
Theres no fun in arguing for the sake of it, love. But when its about something that matterswell, thats different.
So Im what you and Mum argue about? Julia asked.
The most important thing! Youre our only one, after all. We worry what youll grow into. Your mums strict because she believes she must be. Me? I used up all my strictness on your mum. None left for you. So I have to find other wayslike a biscuit, maybe.
I dont like biscuits.
All right, not biscuitshow about a sweet, then?
Thats better! Gran, does Mum love me?
More than anyone in this world! Even more than I do, if you can believe it.
Then why does she always tell me off?
For exactly that reason
Strange sort of love You love me too, but you dont scold me.
Im your gran. Shes your mum. Theres more riding on her. She has to love you a bit differently. Do you see?
No!
Then its not time for you to understand. You willone day.
Only, one day never quite seemed to come.
Julia waited and waited, but nothing changed. Each year, her mother just grew sterner.
What am I supposed to do with you?! Wait until you turn up with a torn skirt again?
Julia heard this line often, but she didnt quite understand what it meant. Shed just giggle at the thought, remembering her dress from nursery days, and was often tempted to ask how anyone could carry anything in a skirt with a big hole. But she knew betterMum wouldnt find it funny.
Her mothers fears proved groundless, of course.
Clumsy though she was, Julia never thought of herself as anything other than ordinary. Never mind what gran saidthe mirror told the truth! Squat nose, too-small brown eyes, hair always coming loose. Pimples scattered across her forehead. Some beauty, honestly!
Shed realised this simple fact early on and was content not to fuss over her looks. It was easier that way! No need for the latest fashions or new shoes. Her well-worn trainers did her fine on all occasions, except those rare outings to the theatre with Gran, when she grudgingly dressed decently.
She adored the theatre, but visits were raretickets were expensive and money tight. Gran saved what she could from her pension, but progress was slow. By Year Seven, Julia had asked to help their neighbour by minding her twins for a bit of pocket money. The twins were boisterous but not wild, and as Julia was an only child herself, she enjoyed spending time with themshe saw it more as a treat than work.
It was brilliant, really! She came, they played, she managed a couple of spoons of porridge into their little mouths, and off she went home. There were no squabbles over pages in her notebooks, no one jumping on the bed, and no sharing her room with anyone else. Perfect!
It wasnt that Julia was selfishshe just understood having less perfectly well, even at her age. It took money to raise even two childrendecent money. As for their familyher mums nurses salary, even in the A&E, plus Grans pension. And, of course, the absence of a father. Julia had never met him, and couldnt say she minded all that much.
She never discussed her thoughts about it with her mum. Why upset her further? She had enough to worry her already! With Julia alone to care for, and Gran, whose mind was wandering by the daysometimes Gran forgot what happened an hour earlier or even her own name.
At least, for a time, Gran remembered Julias dad, and told her the whole story. The romance, the heartbreak. All before Julia could understand any of it.
He didnt want your mum, Gran explained.
Why not?
A right wanderer. Had a string of women behind him! I warned her, but would she listen? She was in love, convinced hed marry her and that the others were youthful mistakes.
Did she marry him?
Oh yes! Your mother always gets her way. But it did no good. The moment he learned she was expecting, he vanishedgone in the wind. Never heard from again. Disappeared, left not even an address. Only a note.
What did it say?
Does it matter, love? Thats between them. Whats important is this: You were so wanted, your mum tiptoed through her whole pregnancy, handled herself like fine crystal, always frightened of losing you. And its why shes so strict and hard on you now.
Thats why?
Exactly. Shes so worried she can hardly sleep. Ive seen herwatches over you at night, strokes your hair, nearly in tears. Ask her about it, though, and shell snap. Its her private thing. She loves you, Julia. In her own way.
Couldnt be clearer Gran, did you tell Mum off too?
Of course I did! All mums do. Were so frightened for our children we do the daftest things, then regret it later.
Why be frightened?
For your child? I dont know, Julia, you cant really explain it. When you have your own, youll understand.
Julia didnt answer, but she thought. She was certain shed never nag her own children, shed raise them differently. Naive, maybebut then, everyone is at her age.
Still, she doubted shed ever have childrenwhod want someone so plain and awkward?
After finishing college, Julia got a job at the same hospital as her mum. And thats when things really kicked off.
She was too eager, too caring towards her patients, everyone said. Put in too much effort where it wasnt needed. Patients would come and gono point wearing yourself out. You cant help everyone, they said.
But Julia didnt care. She ached for every patient she helped. It cost her nothing to adjust a bedsheet, give an injection, or offer a kind word. Everyone appreciates kindnesscat or human!
Even her mother tried to warn her.
Darling, dont be reckless. People like you make enemies here. Youll fall out with everyone, then where will we be? You? Me, with Gran at home? We need your pay, especially now. We cant afford a home for Gran or a carer. You need to keep your job and get experience. Who will look after Gran if not you?
But Mum, I cant ignore itthey shout at patients, theyre rough
Its a hard job and not everyones made for it, Julia. Youve seen for yourself. Some of you are kind, and thats enough. Even your supervisor says youre good, but asks you to be more measured. Youll change nothing by force. But gently, by example, you might.
Thatll take forever!
Oh, Julia! Where have you got your stubbornness from?
Probably you, Mum.
Julia!
Yes?
Oh, never mind! Just listen to your mother!
Julia disliked quarrelling with her mum, but took her advice with a grain of salt. Maybe her mother was right, but then there was Mrs. Perkins in Ward 3a famously cantankerous ladywho smiled at Julia every morning and never complained about her care. She moaned about other nurses, but never about Julia.
And Mrs. Perkins wasnt the only one. There were plentytired, in pain, arguing with their families over inheritance or nonsense while the patients wept. You cant blame them, Julia thought.
Her mum only wanted Julia to be all right. But how can you be all right when everyone around you isnt?
You cant warm and comfort everyone, but you can help someone.
The other nurses sometimes made fun of hersaid Julia was too kind, that she should be in a nunnery. But that was their business. Gran always said that life must keep moving, no matter what.
And so Julias caravan kept rollingtrudging through the sand and sometimes gasping for breath.
It was hard, not having approvaleven harder when there was no one to tell you you were just right, quirks and all.
Julias gran, now deep in her illness, was no longer company, and her friends were marrying off one by onesome handing her their bouquets and laughing, Your turn next, Julia!
Shed dutifully accept the bouquets, but the one never seemed to turn up. Perhaps he was lost, perhaps not meant for her. Some people are just meant to be on their own, arent they? Complete, in themselves.
Julia accepted it, gradually. With no hope for a Tolstoy-styled confession of love, she lost herself in between work, the animal shelter where she helped her friend, and time at Grans bedside. Her mother gently encouraged her to meet people, but both knew it was a losing battle. Julia was becoming a classic spinster and didnt care one bit.
When her mum tried to joke, Just say if you want grandchildren! These days its not difficult, Julia replied, There arent enough princes for everyone, Mum! Thats the law of nature. What do you want from me?
I only want you to be happy, her mum would sigh.
Then stop talking about my private life. It doesnt want fixing, Mum. Its fine as it is!
And her mum would fall silent again, secretly wondering who else she could introduce Julia to.
But then life took an unexpected turnthough not the one Julia had pictured.
Her leading man in the play of her life arrived courtesy of the most unlikely characterMrs. Perkins, the cranky old woman from Ward 3. Mrs. Perkins was a regular, admitted twice a year, and her appearance always put the ward on edge.
Oh no, here come the complaints! Heres your favourite, Julia. You deal with her!
But for some reason, this time Mrs. Perkins was quiet, withdrawn, nothing like herself. She didnt argue with the staff, nor ask who was right or wrong. She simply followed Julia to her bed and turned to the wall.
Worried, Julia checked back on her later and asked gently if she could do anything.
Julia, I want to ask a favour, Mrs. Perkins finally said after a pause. Not something Im used toasking for help. My mother always taught me: if you want something, go out and get it yourself. But Im no longer ablenot really.
What is it? Go on, dont worry!
Well, you see Ive family in droves, but no one to trust. Lifes gone by and, looking back, Ive little to remember. Work, duties, all round and round. Little joy, always more worries. I thought at least Id raise my children differently butwell, I spoiled them. Now, even while Im still alive, theyve practically divided up my things. I did all I could, even gave my flat away so they wouldnt have the bother. Sold my mums house to help them, put them all through school, helped with the grandkids as long as my legs would carry me. But now, Im not needed… Not me, nor my
Julia, pleasewill you look after my Mary?
Who?
My cat! Shes clever and just a bit naughty. She even stopped me leaving the house this morning! She knows everything
Julia hesitated. She loved animals, but theyd never kept pets at homeGran wasnt up to it, and money was always tight.
Still, Julia couldnt refuse Mrs. Perkinsshe pleaded with Julia with such raw hope that Julia realised: this cat must be the old womans only real joy. Strange, maybe, but who was Julia to judge? Anothers heart is mysterybest not to poke about in the darkness. If you can give a little kindness, you should.
After her shift, Julia found her mum, asked what she thought, and went off to fetch Mary the cat.
Ill look after her, Mrs. Perkins, just until you get better and can take her back.
Of course, Julia, of course
Mrs. Perkins nodded, a shadow of her stern self, and Julia headed to her flat, keys in handnervous about going in alone. She knocked on a neighbours door.
Who is it? The young woman grinned from behind her child.
SorryMrs. Perkins asked me to get her cat. Would you mind standing at the door while I go in?
Right not to want to go in alonethat woman can be a handful! the neighbour joked.
Oh, shes all right. Weve all got our quirks.
Thats true! the woman agreed, adjusting her toddler, Go on, well wait.
The rescue attempt was almost laughably brief. Julia opened the door and a blur of black whiskers darted through her legs, zipped down the stairwell, and was gone.
Shut the door! the neighbour yelled, and Julia hurried back.
Shes very quick. And will scratch! Good luck!
Thanks!
Julia barreled down the stairs, praying the front door was closedbut it was wide open. Movers hefted boxes of furniture from a van.
Anyone seen a cat? Julia called.
Aye, up that tree! one of them said, pointing before chortling with his mates.
Julia heard angry yowling and spotted Maryhunched, black and bristlinghigh in a tree, leaves raining about her.
Mary? Here, kitty, kitty!
The ferocious reply was pure feline annoyance.
Oh, you horrible thing! Julia muttered, eyeing the rain that had started in earnest. She longed to be home, under a blanket, with her headphones andyeslistening to her mum lecture her yet again.
But a promise was a promise.
With her backpack slung behind her, she grabbed the first branch and pulled herself up.
Higher. Then higher again.
She could hear Marys furious hissing only a few feet away, flashes of claws close to her face.
Mary! Stop being such a you wretch!
Julia almost threatened to dock her tail, but if Mrs. Perkins was right and Mary was truly clever, shed understandand that could only make things more difficult.
Eventually, Julia managed to grab the soaked cat and wedge her under her coat, muttering threats under her breath.
Getting up was trickygetting down was something else entirely. Julia, never fond of heights, realised too late the branch was much higher than she thought.
For a moment, just clinging to the wood, she closed her eyes. Mum she breathed.
There was no way down.
She could hear her phone buzzing, but dared not move.
She was just short of deciding to shout for help when a voice drifted up.
Comfy up there, are you?
Startled, Julia almost tumbled. N-no! Please, Im fine! Just waiting, she bluffed.
Right, the voice chuckled, hold on, Ill get you down.
Julia muttered at herself for being so daft, but shortly a young man returned, propped up a stepladder, and called, Are you coming down, or camping up there all night?
She shook her head, eyes closed. Im scared
A gentle grip steadied her, and in a moment, she was on the ladder, then the ground.
Mary immediately tried to bolt, but Julia had her wits about her now, and zipped the inside of her coat.
Sit still! I told your owner Id look after you, and I will! Julia said fiercely.
Youre determined, arent you? the lad grinned, completely ordinary except for the kindness in his eyes.
Shall I walk you home?
Thats all right, Julia snapped defensively, and then chided herselfwhat was she doing? The young man had fetched a ladder, gotten soaked, and all she could do was grumble.
Im sorry. Thank you very much. Id have been up there all night without you.
Why climb a tree if youre afraid of heights?
Had to rescue the cat Sorry, I must gomy mums anxious.
Oh, and its you? After Ive seen your wet backside and saved you, risking life and limb? Im Tom. Shall I walk you to the tube? Or home? Is it far?
Not really, Julia found herself saying, suddenly warm despite the cold, an odd lightness blooming within her. She smiled at Toms every word as if the world had tilted slightly.
Mary was silent beneath her coat, as if afraid to even purr and break the fragile happiness of the moment.
Tom walked her all the way home. The next day, he waited for Julia at the hospital park. They went shopping for cat food (as it turned out, Mary was terribly fussy and would rather go hungry than eat the wrong thing).
Julia looked after Mary for only a weekuntil Mrs. Perkins daughter arrived.
Mums missed her cat so much. Ill take them both home, she said.
Of course, Julia said, and watched the two leavedaughter with worried face, mother hugging the purring cat close.
Julia mused on how little outsiders really know of anothers heart or family. Things are rarely as they seem, and if someone wants even their mothers troublesome cat, then feelings are more complicated than they look from afar.
Instead of guessing at other peoples lives, its better to work on ones ownespecially when you find someone to build it with. And at that point, who says I love you first hardly matters. What matters most is that the one worth building a home with will always find you the time and, if need be, a ladderexactly when you need it. And they will never call you not quite right, because for them, theres simply no one better in this whole wide world.
