Not Quite Julia
“Julia! Again? Good heavens, child, youre an utter disaster! How on earth can you be like this?”
“Mum, I dont know. It just happened.”
Her mother fussed, tugging off Julias grubby coat, her damp boots, and what was left of a bobble-less hat.
“Other peoples children behave like children, but you Julia! Honestly, how much more?”
Julia examined the torn hem of her dress, sighing a little.
It had been fun, after all! The pretend train theyd made had turned out brilliantly. Shame Sasha had pulled at her dress so fiercely. Thats why it ripped. And Mrs Cartwright declared she wasnt a seamstress and wouldnt mend it, so Julias mum would have to. Fair enough! But shed spent the rest of the afternoon on a stool in the corner, from snack time till evening. She couldnt just parade her pants in front of the boys! That would be most improperher gran always said so. And granny knew.
Julias grandmother, unlike her mum, always accepted that Julia was not quite the same.
“Stop pecking the child! What peculiar parenting is that?”
“Mum, you raised me the same way! Why say its wrong now? If I dont raise Julia, what on earth will she turn out like?”
“Another clever beauty, just like you. Isnt that enough?”
“Oh, do stop! I havent time for your nonsense! Julia! Go changenow!”
Breathing with relief, Julia hurried off to her room, the squabbling between her two favourite people carrying on without her. Not that she was needed. She was merely an excuse, and she knew it.
Once, Julia had asked her gran what that meant, and gran had merely laughed:
“Arguings no fun unless its for a reason, poppet. Otherwise, whats the point?”
“So Im your and mums reason?”
“The most important one! Youre our only one. We worry how youll turn out, thats all. Your mums strict because she thinks thats best. My own strictness ran out on your mother, so I have to find another waya bit of sugar, lets say.”
“I dont like gingerbread!”
“Alright, sweets then. Better?”
“Much!”
“Gran, does mum love me?”
“More than anyone on this earthmore, even, than I do! Never doubt it.”
“Then why does she always scold me?”
“Exactly that reason”
“Thats a funny kind of love. You love me, but you dont shout at me”
“Well, Im your gran, love. Shes your mumshe has bigger responsibilities, so her loves just different. Do you see?”
“Not really.”
“You will, one day.”
That one day never seemed to arrive.
Julia waited and waited, but the strictness of her mother only seemed to stiffen every year.
“What am I to do with you? Wait until you bring back a baby in your skirt?”
Julia heard that one all the time, though for years she didnt have a clue what it actually meant. Shed giggle, thinking of the ripped hem at nursery, and how you couldnt carry anything at all in it, especially not something as alive as a baby. Shed learned to stay quietthe joke would fall flat with mum, and Julia would be in trouble again for no reason.
In truth, Julia was a curious-looking, but pleasant girland perfectly ordinary, whatever gran said. All you needed was a mirror!
Julia saw precious little worth praising there. Her eyes too small, her dark ponytail thin and raggedy, a smattering of spots across her nose. Some beauty!
Shed long since grown used to treating her appearance as an afterthought. It made life easier, for her and her mum. She didnt nag for fashionable clothes, shoes, or all that. Her old trainers did just fine, except perhaps on the rarest of occasionslike going to the theatre with gran.
Julia loved theatre, but they could rarely afford tickets. Gran put money aside bit by bit from her pension, but it took ages. By Year 7, Julia had asked the neighbour if she might help with her twins. The little ones were lively, but reasonable, and Julia, who had no siblings of her own, was only too happy to mind themmore for joy than duty.
Why not? It was wonderful! Shed play, spoon porridge into their ever-open mouths, and slip away home. No one jumping on her head, scribbling in her notebook, or demanding her room. Bliss!
She wasnt really selfish, but the presence of absence was something Julia understood clearly, even at that age. Raising two kids took moneya lot of it. What did they have? Mums nurses wages, even as a staff nurse, and grans pension. Most of all, it was her dads absence in Julias life. Shed never met him, nor much wanted to.
Julia never discussed these musings with her mum. Why add to the womans worries? Mum had enoughlooking after gran, whose mind was more and more adrift. Sometimes gran couldnt remember her name, let alone yesterday.
At least, for a time, she remembered Julias dad, and had recounted how he came and went in Julias mothers life.
“Your mum was never needed by him.”
“Why?”
“He was a skirt-chaser, love. Had a bevy of admirers. I told your mother, but would she listen? Fell head over heels. Swore he would marry her, that the rest were all youthful mistakes.”
“And did he?”
“Oh yes! Your mum gets what she wants, always. But as soon as she found out she was expecting you, he vanished like smoke. Gone in a flash. Didnt even leave an addressonly a note.”
“What did it say?”
“Do you really need to know, Julia? Thats their business. Whats important is how precious you were to hershe tiptoed her whole pregnancy, treated herself like porcelain. Terrified something might happen if she wasnt vigilant. And afterwards, she never relaxed her guard. Why do you think she scolds and tries to raise you so strictly?”
“Because of that?”
“Thats it. She worries about you, love. So much that sometimes she sits up at night just to watch you sleep, stroking your hair and mutteringshe nearly breaks down. If I ask, she bites my head off. Its all her secret, but she loves you, Julia. Its just her way.”
“Its pretty clear Gran, did you ever scold mum the same way?”
“Of course. All mothers do. Fear for our children makes us do the strangest things, and afterwardsregret.”
“Why do we have to be so afraid?”
“For our children? I dont know, Julia. You cant really explain it. Maybe youll understand once youve had one yourself.”
Julia said nothing, but thought about it. She decided shed raise her children differently, that thered be no harsh words in her home. Naive, perhaps, but wasnt everyone naive at her age?
Not that it mattered. Julia never really believed shed have children of her own.
Who would want her? Small, plain, with a prickly natureonce she was attached, there was no shaking her off!
After her training, Julia took a job at the same hospital her mother worked in, andso it began.
Nothing she did was right. Too eager, too caring with the patients. “Dont get too close,” everyone said, “theyll walk all over you.” She tried too hardpointless, apparently. The patients would be discharged, and new ones would come. Dont try to do the work of ten! Easy-going was bestyou cant save everyone.
But Julia never listened. Each patient tugged at her heart. People were suffering, in painhow could she not help, whether with a quick injection or straightening their bed? A kind word cost nothingcats liked it, and people too.
Even her mother warned her.
“Julia, dont stick your neck out! People like that dont last long here. Youll fall out with everyonethen who benefits? You? Me? Gran? We need your wages, love, and cant put gran in a home. Carers cost a fortune, you know that. You have to work; we need the experience. Wholl sit with gran if not you?”
“Mum, I cant help it! The others yell and argue with the patients”
“Its a tough job, and people arent all the same. Some dont have the heart for kindnessthough of course, they should. In your ward, there are three like youthats already good! Ive spoken to your senior nurse. She thinks youre wonderful, but she wants you to calm down too. You cant force people to careset an example, quietly. Perhaps then youll get somewhere.”
“Thatll take forever!”
“Oh Julia however did I end up with a daughter like you?”
“Like what?”
“Stubborn!”
“Dont know. Must be from you.”
“Julia!”
“What?”
“Nothing. Just do as I say!”
“Hmm”
Julia wasnt one for row, but she listened to her mum selectively. Maybe she was right, but in Bay Three, there was an old lady as irritable as a swarm of hornets, whoinexplicablysmiled at Julia every morning. Not a word of complaint about injections or lack of attention. She grumbled about other nurses, but not Julia.
And she wasnt the only one. The ward was full of the exhausted, hurting, and lonely. Julia saw and heard it all. Relatives would visit, but only talk about inheritance or some nonsensenever about the patient. After, the patients would weep, or rage. And how could anyone not understand that?
But mum only cared if Julia herself was alright. But how could Julia be happy, if the world around her was so cold?
You cant comfort everyone, perhaps, but someones always within reach.
Let the girls at work laugh and say shes a soft touch, meant for the convent. Thats their business. Her gran always said, the caravan must keep going, no matter what.
So Julias caravan trundled ondragging through the sand, parched with thirst.
Its lonely, not being understood. And lonelier still without someone to say you are not quite like the rest.
Truth be told, Julia was used to living without much approval. But since grans mind had fully gone, even conversation was rare. Mum only sighed, urging Julia to spend time with friendsthough, truthfully, there was little point. All Julias friends were marrying, sometimes even handing Julia their wedding bouquets.
“Im not even going to toss it youre the next, Julia! Go on, you take it!”
Julia accepted, not wanting to offend, but her destined onethe one meant to appear as soon as the flowers landed in her handsnever showed up. Perhaps hed lost his way, or simply, fate had decided shed go it alone. Complete in herself.
And so shed made peace with it. Shed stopped waiting, mostly. She wasnt about to pull a Jane Austen, or boldly profess her feelings even if there were anyone to profess them to.
She went from work to the animals shelterhelping her old friend on occasionto home to care for gran, who hardly recognised her anymore. Her mum would sigh and urge her out more, but Julia was becoming a classic English spinstercontent with her lot and uninterested in love or marriage.
“Mum, if its grandchildren you want, just say. I can easily have a fewthese days its not hard!”
“Julia! Thats cynical!”
“Why? There arent enough Prince Charmings for everyone, you know. The odds are what they are. What do you want from me?”
“Julia, I just want you to be happy”
“Then quit going on about me settling down. Im not wired for it, mum. Leave it. Its already depressing enough.”
And so her mother fell silent, sighing to herself and wondering who else she might introduce her daughter to. The sons of her friends were all married nownothing to do but hope nature would be kind.
And, as it happened, nature was kindjust not as Julia had ever imagined.
Shed always thought her dream man would stroll up, patient and gentle, waiting for her to reciprocate. But things never go as expected.
The starring role in Julias little drama called Life was played by a most unlikely characterMrs Mary Evans, the crankiest old dear in the whole ward. Mary was admitted regularlyonce, sometimes twice a yearand each time the entire staff groaned the moment she arrived.
“Oh no, here come the complaints! Honestly I wish shed just be well! Julia, shes your favouritego meet her!”
Mary Evans brightened at the sight of Julia hurrying down the corridor.
“My girl! So glad to see youat last, a human face among a pack of ghouls!”
“Thats not fair, Mrs Evans! Theyre all good people, you know.”
“Youre still young; youll learn! Ive lived life, love. Dont argue.”
“I wouldnt dare! Come on, Ill take you to your room. Youve already scared the staff enough.”
“Let them be scared! Does them good!”
“Honestly, youre impossible, Mrs Evans!”
“Guilty as charged! But Im nothing compared to my catyou havent met her! Now theres a devil in fur!”
Julia nodded, but immediately forgot about the catwrongly, as it happened. Before long, shed make its acquaintance.
Mary Evans was admitted one autumn, unusually quiet and not herself at all.
She didnt argue, didnt complain, didnt demand to know who was right or wrong. She just followed Julia into her room, turned to the wall, and wouldnt say a word.
“Go on, love. Leave me,” she grumbled when Julia tried to ask what was wrong.
By evening, Julia had learned the diagnosis, and that Mary had come in, this time, of her own accord.
“Fell out with her children. Typical. There you godont breathe frost at your kids, or wholl offer you a glass of water in old age!”
Julia let the banality pass. Who could judge, when you didnt really know anothers family story? Dig deep enough and you find everyones truth is different. Best not to bother
After her shift, Julia dropped into Marys room.
“How are you? Need anything?”
Mary gave her a long, thoughtful look. Just as Julia was about to back away, Mary finally spoke.
“Julia, I want to ask a favour, but I dont know how. Ive always demanded, not asked. My own mum was feisty, and raised me to be the same. If you want somethingyou go for it! But what do you do when you cant, and no one ever told you?”
“Ask awaydont be afraid.”
“You see, Julia, Ive got a whole tribe of family, but not one I feel I can trust. Its all gone wrong. Lifes gone by, and theres so little to remember. Bit of joy here and there, but mostly problems. I thought at least my kids would turn out different. But not a bit of it. I spoiled themnow, Im not even gone and theyve divided up everything Ive got. I gave them my flat, my savings. Sold my mothers house after she went, thinking itd stop them fussing over caring for me. I managed, I educated them, raised them, helped with the grandkids. Nowno one wants me, nor Julia, will you take my Maisie?”
“Take whom?”
“My cat! Shes a nightmare, but clevermore clever than words can say. She understands everything! When I was packing for hospital, she threw a fit and tried to stop me going. She just knows”
Julia faltered.
She loved animals, but she and her mum had never kept petsnot with gran, and besides, money was always tight. Pets cost money.
But Julia couldnt bring herself to refuse. Mary Evans looked at her with such pleadingMaisie must be her last joy on earth. Odd, perhaps, but who was Julia to judge? Another persons heart is a murky place. If you can bring a sliver of light, why not? Judgement could wait.
After her shift, Julia found her mum and asked her opinion, then set off to collect the cat.
“Ill take her, Mrs Evans. Just for a while! When youre well, youll have your Maisie back, youll see.”
“Of course, Julia, of course”
For the first time, Mary looked more like an ordinary nan than the ogre the staff always joked about.
Julia walked to Mrs Evanss block of flats, turning the keys in her hand. She hesitated at the doorgoing into a strangers flat alone seemed daunting. She loitered, then knocked on the nearest door.
“Yes? Can I help?” said a young woman, balancing a toddler on her hip.
“Sorry to bother you. Mrs Evans asked me to collect her catcould you just stand in the doorway while I fetch her?”
“You dont want to go in alone? Sensible. Shes a tricky old birdthat one.”
“Oh, shes all right. None of us are sugar cookies.”
“Too true!” the woman grinned. “Go on, thenwell wait, wont we, Jack?”
Little Jack burbled his agreement, and Operation Cat Rescue commenced.
Except, as soon as Julia opened the flat door, a sleek black streak blasted past her, dashed down the stairs and was gone before Julia could draw breath.
“Close the door!” shouted the neighbour. “Youll never catch her. Maisie is fast and meanmind your hands, if you do! Good luck!”
“Thanks!”
Julia was already running down the stairs, hoping the front entrance was closed.
It wasnt. The doors were propped open, and burly men were hauling boxes and furniture through from a van outside.
“Seen a cat?” Julia asked, not really expecting an answer.
One of the movers pointed lazily at the trees by the entry. “Up there!”
His mates laughed as Julia flustered about under the branches where Maisie was now hissing outrage. Not one moved to help. Why would they? Time is money.
Julia couldnt actually see the catit was dark, and leaves had long since fallenbut the angry yowling gave her away.
“Maisie! Here, puss, puss, puss!”
Maisie answered with a deep, furious screech.
“You little demon,” muttered Julia. She realized shed have to climb.
The courtyard was empty and rain had started, small mean drops that made the world drearier. Julia longed to be home under her blanket with a hot cup of teaher mum scolding away in the background. Shed even take that, just for the warmth.
She steadied her rucksack, grabbed a branch, and started up.
The hissing grew louder. Suddenly, a paw flashed beside her faceJulia almost lost her grip.
“Maisie! Are you completely mad?!”
Julia caught herself, deciding not to threaten Maisies tail length aloudwhat if Mrs Evans was right, and the cat understood every word?
Carefully, she reached out, and managed to scoop the soaked, furious cat by the scruff.
“Let go of that branch, for pitys sake!”
Now Julia was hissing as much as Maisie. Perhaps the cat decided they were the same breed. At least, she relaxed enough for Julia to stuff her under her coat. It was warm there, and Maisie fell silent.
Getting up the tree was one thing, Julia realized. Getting downquite another.
Shed forgotten she was afraid of heights, and the branch Maisie had chosen was far higher than it first appeared.
She peered down, heart thudding, and immediately shut her eyes.
“Mum”
It was very high.
She shifted uneasily, clinging to the branch and swearing at herself for not thinking things through. Shed rescued the cat, but who would rescue her?
Her phone was buzzing in her pocket, but Julia was too scared to move.
No way was she going to shout for helpwhat a spectacle. Her own fault.
“Oi! Are you comfortable up there?”
A mocking male voice made her start so hard she nearly fell.
“No, no, no! Hold on!” he called. “Ill get you downwait a minute.”
He might as well have asked the moon to wait. Still, Julia tried for sarcasm.
“Yes, of course! No hurry!”
He went off with a contemplative “Hmm,” leaving Julia cursing herself.
“Greathes gone. Maisie, why am I such a”
But she didnt get to finish.
He was back.
He propped a ladder against the treewhere from, she had no ideaand called up:
“Come on down, unless youre planning a night up there?”
Julia shook her head with her eyes squeezed shut, then realised he couldnt see that.
“Im scared” The admission trembled out.
Before she knew it, someone grabbed her ankle and she slid awkwardly onto the ladder, bewildered.
“Ive got youdont worry, slow and steady!”
She descended, his hands guiding her steps and the ladder, her arms braced around Maisie.
As soon as Julia reached the ground, Maisie shot to escape, but Julia caught her deftly, zipped her jacket, and tucked the cat in.
“Sit! Behave! I promised to look after youI will!”
The young man, wiry and plain, grinned at her openly.
“Shall I walk you home?”
“Ill be all right,” she grumbled, but then scolded herself. What an oaf! Here he was, fishing a drowned cat-woman down from a tree, in the rainher, a bedraggled sight! And hed somehow found a ladder, too. No, Julia, you are not quite the same! Mum was right. Instead of thanking himshe snarled.
“Sorry Thank you. Id have been up there till morning if not for you!”
“Why on earth?”
“Im terrified of heights!”
“So why climb a tree?”
“For the cat, obviously! Sorry, really, but Ive got to gomy mum will be worried.”
“Dont Ms me,” he said. “After what Ive seenyour soggy bottom and allyou may as well call me Tom. Come on, Ill at least walk you to the Tubeor home. Where do you live?”
“Not far,” Julia admitted, feeling a warmth that made her almost hover above the pavement, her heart fluttering with each thing Tom said.
Maisie lay quietly in the warmth of Julias jacket, afraid even to purr, lest she shatter this unlikely fragile joy.
And Tom did, indeed, walk Julia home. The next day, he waited for her by the hospital park. Together, they went shopping for proper cat foodbecause, as it turned out, Maisie was as picky as a duchess and would starve herself for days rather than eat anything unworthy.
Julia mothered Maisie for a week, until Mrs Evanss daughter showed up.
“Mum misses her so much. Will you let them be together?”
“Will you be taking Mrs Evans home?”
“Of courseIm her daughter! She always fussed, refusing to move in, but enough is enough. Thank you so much.”
Julia waved them off, the woman hugging the purring Maisie, and once more realised anothers heart and family are shadows. No point inventing what might not bethings are often not as they seem from the outside. If you need even your mothers cat, nothing is ever entirely clear-cut.
And truly, instead of theorising about others, best to concentrate on your own storyespecially when there is finally someone with whom you want to try. Then, who says “I love you” first wont matterthe most important thing is something else entirely.
The most important thing is that the one worth building with, when the time comes, always finds the timeand the ladderto get you down. And hell never tell you youre “not quite right.” Because, for him, therell never be anyone more perfect in the world than you.
