No one chased them away, they replied to both, they just didnt fancy sticking around! Let them visit! Wed be more than pleased.
Sit down! Were not home! Oliver declared with serene finality.
Theyre ringing, you know! Margaret had frozen, halfway up from the sofa.
So let them, Oliver shrugged.
What if its someone important? Margaret asked. Or business?
Its Saturday, its noon, Oliver said, deadpan. You didnt invite anyone, Im not waiting for anyone. Conclusion?
Ill just take a peek through the spyhole, Margaret whispered.
Sit! Olivers voice had a touch of steel. Were not home! Whoever it is can go trudge back where they came!
How do you know who it is? Margaret pressed.
Ive got a fair idea, said Oliver. All the more reason not to twitch about in front of the window!
Well, if its who Im thinking, they wont give up easily, Margaret said, shrugging.
That depends entirely on how many times we refuse to open, replied Oliver, cool as a cucumber. Sooner or later, theyll be off.
Besides, theyre hardly going to bed down in the hallway. Weve nothing urgent on, so take your headphones, your phone, and go watch a film.
Oliver, my mums calling, Margaret said, showing him her screen.
So its your aunt with her hopeless son, Oliver concluded.
How did you know? Margaret said, wide-eyed.
If it was my cousin, and Oliver managed to say cousin with such distaste it nearly sounded like a disease, then itd be my mum ringing.
No other possibilities? asked Margaret.
If its the neighboursno desire to talk. If its our friends, after two buzzes, theyd have gone. And decent people would at least call ahead, wouldnt they? Only our determined relatives would torture the buzzer for half an hour.
Margaret gave a theatrical sigh. Its Aunt Linda. Mum just sent a message, wants to know where on earth we are. Aunt Linda needs a place for a few daysgot business in town!
Tell her there are plenty of hotels in London, Oliver grinned.
Oliver! Margaret reproached. I cant say that!
Fine, tell her were not home. Say were in a hotel ourselves because they were fumigating cockroaches in the flat!
Brilliant! Margaret messaged and hit send.
Oliver, she wants us to book two rooms for her and Toby, Margaret said, baffled.
Text her backno money. Tell her weve got two bunk beds in a hostel, sharing with fifteen foreigners, Oliver beamed with pride at his own wit.
Mum wants to know when were back, Margaret stared at him.
Tell her, a week, Oliver waved her off.
The doorbell finally fell silent. The couple exhaled in relief.
Oliver, mum says Aunt Linda will be here in a week, Margaret groaned.
Well be out again, Oliver said.
Oliver, you realise this isnt a solution? We cant run from them forever, can we? What if they show up on a weekday? Or ambush us after work? Your cousin, my aunttheyre capable of anything!
True, Oliver admitted, sighing. Whose bright idea was it to buy a three-bedroom, again?
We bought it for our future big family, Margaret reminded.
We need a child! declared Oliver. Actually, two would be better!
Its not like Im disagreeing! Margaret protested. But you know we need check-ups! Not working out!
Its the nerves, Oliver said solemnly. First your lot wind us up, then mine! If only we could send them all back to wherever they come from! Cant get anything done with them around!
Margaret didnt argue. She knew Oliver was right.
When theyd planned their wedding, theyd paid dearly for all those compatibility and genetic tests. Fertility had checked out too.
All hunky-dory at the time. But right after tying the knot, the baby plans had to waitthey needed to save up for a flat.
Counting on inheritance was futile. Up until the wedding, both had lived with their respective mothers in crammed one-bedroom council flats. Self-reliance was key.
Five years of hard graft and ruthless saving had landed them a decent, spacious flat.
Not new, mind youa bit of a fixer-upper, furniture all newly bought. But oh, the joy!
Theyd barely finished celebrating the housewarming when Margarets Aunt Linda appeared at the door, son Toby in tow. And wouldnt you know, mother-in-law came along for moral support.
Oh, look at all this room! Designer livingnone of that one-room misery Margaret and I suffered, Aunt Linda gushed.
Very convenient, she went on, nodding sagely. Room for me, room for Tobyperfect!
We dont sleep in the lounge, Oliver protested. Its for relaxing.
I dont reckon Ill be doing much work here! Linda laughed. Margaret, explain to your husbandId never sleep with Toby, he snores! And you havent even put a spread out for your guests!
We werent expecting anyone… Margaret mumbled.
And the fridge is empty, Oliver added, standing firm.
Linda relented, All right, Oliverrun to the shop, Margaret, off to the kitchen! Chop chop!
What are you standing there for? scolded mother-in-law. Is this how you host guests?
You lot have no shame Oliver started, but Margaret dragged him off to another room.
When Oliver managed to pry his wifes hand from his mouth he sputtered, Margaret, did anyone get their wires crossed? Im about to kick the lot of them outyour mother included! If theyre guests, they should behave like guests. This is just cheeky!
Oliver, shes just country folk! Its how they do things! Margaret pleaded.
I know plenty of country people, Oliver said, But outright rudeness isnt a recognised tradition anywhere!
Love, lets not fight with mum and Aunt Linda. Theyll drain me dry after. And youll end up their mortal enemy! Is that what you want?
I couldnt care less who I am to them! If this is how they treat me, no problemIll just never see them again. Let them disappear; I wont shed a tear.
Oliver, darling! Think of me! If we evict Linda now, Mum will curse my name. Shes all Ive got.
That did the trick. Oliver gritted his teeth and trudged off to Tesco.
Aunt Linda ended up staying a fortnight instead of three days. By the end of day two, Oliver was on edge and had developed a taste for valerian tablets.
The departure of Aunt Linda and Toby was celebrated by the young couple with cleaning spreesthree days of scrubbing every surface.
But scarcely had the peace settled, when another storm arrived.
Bro, Im just staying briefly, declared Olivers cousin Dan, giving him a hug that nearly cracked Olivers spine. Got business in town, then were off!
Couldnt you sort it on your own? Oliver grumbled.
Get real! Dan laughed. Got a family! Cant leave them in the village alone. Think with your head! What if I get into mischief? My wife needs to keep tabs!
So thats why you brought the kids? Oliver deadpanned.
Who else would watch them? Dan clapped him on the back. They can entertain themselves. Now, lets paint the town, like the good old days!
Dan! shrieked his wife, Stephanie. You paint one more town, Ill paint your backside, and you wont sit for a week!
An hour and a half after Dans clan had landed, Margaret retired to the bedroom with a pounding headache.
The kids rampaged through the flat, screeching. Stephanie didnt speak so much as bellow. Dan kept charging off, desperate for nightlife, which only made Stephanie louder.
Oliver, arent you an only child? Margaret whispered into her pillow.
Maternal-side cousin, Oliver grunted. I just call him cousin.
Whatever you call himcant you get rid of him? Margaret muttered.
Honestly, I would, Oliver laid a hand on his heart, but its just like with your aunt. My mum would scoop out my brain with a teaspoon and make me eat it afterwards!
After one set of visitors left, the next was already at the door. Aunt Linda and Toby perpetually found business in London.
Cousin Dan and crew popped in to sort things out. And the mums never forgot their darling childrenhis mother-in-law tortured Oliver, his own mother worked over Margaret.
The endless cycle was gnawing away at the couples nervesand their peace of mind. It was little wonder discussions about having children vanished altogether. Frankly, even if their health was up to snuffhow, exactly?
Lets swap the flat? Margaret suggested.
For a padded cell? grinned Oliver. Well be eligible soon regardless!
No, Margaret managed a smile, Lets swap our flat for another in a different area. Someone must want to move here! Well go, never tell anyone the address!
The same delay, Oliver snorted. Your aunt and my cousin will track the new tenants, squeeze out the info, and presto! Well be found and mercilessly shamed!
Maybe thats enough time to make a baby? Margaret asked, hopefully.
Wed have to make and deliver one! Oliver shook his head. At least then wed have an excuse.
We may as well move out, Margaret sighed. Lets go beg our friends for shelter? Maybe we could hide!
You mean Michael and Sophie? Oliver asked.
Yeah, Margaret nodded. Theyve got a spare room!
But thats where Tara lives, Oliver smiled. You remember?
Id rather bunk up with a German Shepherd than any of our relatives, Margaret slumped.
Hold on! Oliver cried, grabbing his phone. Michaelcan I borrow the dog?
Oh, mate! I owe you forever! Michael bellowed. Sophie and I are desperate for a holiday; nowhere to leave Tara! She despises strangers but loves you two! Ill bring food, bedding, toys, bowlsthe works! Ill even pay!
Bring her! Oliver rejoiced.
He returned to Margaret, glowing brighter than the morning sun.
Ring your mumtell her Linda can pop over tomorrow! Ill call Dan, let him know hes welcome later this week.
Youre sure? Margaret asked.
Wed be delighted! Oliver said warmly. What happens if our resident isnt to their tasteis hardly our fault!
Dan and his troupe lasted all of one woof before heading for the comforts of a Premier Inn.
Aunt Linda tried to stick it out, resolute.
Lock up this brute, would you?! she squawked, clutching her hapless son.
Auntie Linda, you must be joking, Oliver smiled. Forty-five kilos of pure muscle! Shes not a lapdogTaras a bona fide German Shepherd! Shell take down any door!
Whys she baring her teeth at me? Lindas voice shook.
Shes not partial to strangers, Margaret shrugged.
Get rid of her! I cant live with that animal in here!
Get rid of her?! Oliver protested. That sweet pup is ours now! We dont even have kids to lavish love on, so we love her instead!
And theres no way wed part with her! Margaret agreed.
Both mums rang, demanding to know why family had been shunned.
No one chucked them out! the pair insisted. They just didnt want to stay! Let them come! Well be delighted!
And the dog?
But mum, weve never refused anyone!
Strangely, even the mums stopped pushing for visits.
One month later, Tara returned to Michael and Sophie but offered to bolt back on the very next invitation.
Never neededMargaret was awaiting twins.
