No one chased them away, was the answer given to both mums, they just didnt want to stay for some reason. Let them come! Wed be delighted.
Sit down. Were not home, Tom said calmly.
But someones ringing! Emily froze, halfway off the sofa.
Let them, Tom replied.
But what if its someone important? Or something urgent? Emily asked.
Its Saturday. Its just gone noon, Tom said. You didnt invite anyone, Im not expecting anyone. What does that tell you?
Ill just have a peek through the spyhole, Emily whispered.
Sit. Toms voice carried steel. Were not home! Whoever it is, let them walk back the way they came.
How do you know who it is? Emily asked.
Ive got a guess, which is why Im telling you not to parade past the window, Tom said.
If its who I think, they wont just leave, Emily shrugged.
That depends on how long we dont open the door, Tom said serenely. Sooner or later, theyll get bored. Theyre not about to spend the night in the hallway. Were fine in here. So grab your headphones and phone and start a film.
Tom, its my mum, Emily said, showing her phone screen.
So, its your Aunt Margaret and her daft son, then, Tom concluded.
How did you know? Emily looked surprised.
If it was my cousin, Tom said, pronouncing cousin with distaste, itd be my mum ringing.
You really dont think it could be anyone else? Emily asked.
If its neighbours, Ive no interest in talking. If its friends, theyd have rung ahead to check if they could pop roundrather than hammering on the door for half an hour. Anyone pestering this much at the bell is only ever our most insufferable relatives!
But Tom, its my aunt, Emily groaned. Mums sent a text. Shes asking where we are. Aunt Margarets popping into town on business and wants to stay a few days.
Text her back and tell her there are plenty of hotels in London, Tom grinned.
I cant just say that! Emily protested.
I know, Tom mused. Say were not home, were living in a hotel because the flats being fumigated for cockroaches.
Brilliant! Emily quickly messaged back.
Tom, now she wants us to book two roomsone for her and one for Harry! she said in disbelief.
Tell her weve got no money. And say were staying in a hostel with two beds in a room with fifteen tourists, Tom smiled at his own cleverness.
Mums asking when well be back, Emily glanced over.
Tell her, next week, Tom waved her off.
At last, the doorbell stopped. The couple breathed a sigh of relief.
Tom, Mum says Aunt Margaret will be here in a week, Emily said, sounding drained.
And well just not be home again, Tom replied.
Tom, this isnt solving anything, is it? We cant dodge them forever. What if they come on a weekday, or catch us after work? My aunt and your cousin, theyre capable of anything!
Tom sighed. Who told us to buy a three-bedroom?
We got it for our future family, Emily reminded him.
We need a baby! Tom said solemnly. Better yet, twins!
Its not like Im against it! Emily said, frustrated. You know I need to get checked overhasnt been easy.
We just need less stress and itll work out, Tom said seriously. All this dramafirst your lot, then mine! I wish we could send them all back where they came from. Theyre the reason nothings working!
Emily didnt argue. She knew Tom was right.
When theyd decided to marry, theyd paid for expensive compatibility and genetics tests. Fertility had been checked. Everything seemed perfectuntil they put off having kids to save for a flat.
Counting on inheritance was pointless. Before the wedding, both lived with mums in one-bedroom flats. They had only themselves to depend on.
Five long years of saving and scrimping got them their spacious flat. It wasnt new, and the refurb cost a fortune, but they started with happiness and hope.
That joy didnt last. Before the housewarming dust had settled, in appeared Aunt Margaret and her son, Harry. To make sure the new homeowners didnt protest, Emilys mum tagged along.
Lots of space! Its not like when Emily and I were crammed in a single room, Emilys mum said.
Lovely, Aunt Margaret approved. So Ill have this room and Harry can have his own!
We dont sleep in the lounge, Tom said. Thats our sitting room.
Im not here to work! Aunt Margaret chuckled. Emily, tell your husbandme sharing with Harry is impossible, the boy snores! And the least you could do is offer tea.
Well, we werent expecting you, Emily stammered.
And the fridge is bare, Tom backed her up.
Oh alright, Aunt Margaret relented. Tom, nip down to the shop. Emily, quick to the kitchen!
Whats the holdup? Emilys mum barked. Is this how you greet guests?
Bit cheeky, arent you Tom snapped, but Emily dragged him into another room.
When Tom untangled her hand from his mouth, he hissed, Emily, am I missing something? Ill throw them to your mums! Seriously! If they’re gueststhey should act like guests!
Shes just a country woman, Emily sighed. Thats how they do things!
I grew up in the country, but that sort of rudeness isnt done anywhere! Tom grumbled.
Darling, lets not argue with my mum and aunt. Theyll only drive me nuts! And youll be enemy number onedo you really want that?
Honestly, I dont care what they think of me if they treat me like this. I could happily never see them again.
Please! If we boot Aunt Margaret out now, Mum will be furiousand shes all Ive got!
That line stung. Tom gritted his teeth and marched off to the shop.
Aunt Margaret stayed a fortnight instead of the promised three days, and by the second evening Tom was dependent on valerian.
Their departure was a moment of pure celebrationEmily and Tom cleaned for three days straight, restoring sanity. But soon enough, the same story replayed from Toms side.
Brother, Im just here for a bit, Mike hugged Tom so hard his bones groaned. Ive got things to sort and then well be off!
Couldnt you come on your own? Tom asked.
Mate, Ive got a family! What, just leave them in Kent while I dash up to London? Mike laughed. What if I get into trouble? The wife keeps me in check!
Thats why you brought your kids? Tom frowned.
Who else would mind em? Mike slapped his back. Let em have a bit of fun! Let’s paint the town like we used to!
Mike! shrieked his wife Susan. If you paint the town, Ill have you in emulsion!
Within ninety minutes of Mike and clan crashing in, Emily collapsed with a migraine. The kids rampaged and hollered, Susan only communicated by screeching, and Mike was off galavantingprovoking more shrieks.
Tom, youre your mums only son, right? Emily moaned from the pillow.
Only by marriage, Tom grumbled. Mikes my cousin.
Whatever you call him, can you ask them to go?
Believe me, Id love to, Tom laid a hand over his heart, but its no different to your aunt. My mum would nag me till my brain was mush!
Hardly were they rid of one batch before fresh relatives appeared. Aunt Margaret continued to invent reasons to visit London; cousin Mike and his brood would pop by to sort things. And then there were the mums: one harried Tom, the other Emily.
The continual nervous tension started to take a tollemotionally and physically. Children? In this endless carousel of guests, it was impossible. Health suffered and, lets face itwhen?
Shall we move? Emily offered.
To the funny farm? Tom smiled. Well be sectioned soon anyhow!
I mean swap for a similar flat in another area. People want a new neighbourhood! We movedont say a word about where!
Delay tactics, Tom snorted. Your aunt and my cousin will badger the new owners, wrangle the address, and hunt us down. Then what?
But we might get enough peacelong enough to manage a baby? Emily looked hopeful.
Well need enough time not just to conceive, but to have one! Thats a real excuse, Tom nodded.
Maybe we should just leave the flatmove in with friends? Hide out!
You mean Ben and Katie? Tom asked.
Yep, Emily nodded. Theyve got a spare room!
But Bens got his German Shepherd, Tara, Tom reminded her with a smile.
The Shepherds better company than our relatives! Emily flopped her head.
Hold on, Tom grabbed his phone. Ben, mate, can we borrow your dog?
Tom! Best news ever! Katie and I are off to Cornwall, but Tara hates strangersexcept you two! She loves and respects you! Ill bring food, bedding, toys, bowlsand Ill pay you!
Brilliant! Tom said happily.
He turned to Emily, beaming like sunrise. Ring your mumlet Aunt Margaret know she can come tomorrow! And Ill text Mike to pop round next week!
Are you sure? Emily asked.
Of coursewell love to have them! Pity if our resident doesnt suit them
Mike and family heard one bark and immediately preferred the comfort of a nearby hotel.
Aunt Margaret tried to stand firm.
Lock that beast up somewhere! she protested, cowering behind her awkward son.
Aunt Margaret, you must be joking, Tom said, smiling. Forty-five kilos of pure muscle. Shes no lapdogshes a German Shepherd! Shed bowl down any door!
Why does she keep glaring at me? Aunt Margaret quavered.
She doesnt like strangers, Emily shrugged.
You have to get rid of her! I cant share a flat with that dog! Aunt Margaret insisted.
How could we part with her? Tom protested. Shes our dear companion! Weve got no children, we need someone to loveand we love her.
And well never let her go! Emily agreed.
Soon, both mums were on the phone, demanding why family had been refused hospitality.
No one chased them away, Emily and Tom replied, they just didnt want to stay! Tell them to come, well be happy!
But the dog?
Mum, we havent turned anyone away!
Strangely, even the mums stopped clamouring for a visit.
A month later, Tara headed back to Ben and Katie, ready to return at a moments notice. No need. Emily was expecting twins.
