No Musts
Richard opened the front door and was greeted by three plates with dried-up spaghetti on the kitchen table, an upturned yoghurt pot, and an open squared notebook. Freddies school bag was flopped in the middle of the hallway. Sophie was sprawled on the sofa, eyes glued to her phone.
He dropped his own bag by the door and kicked off his shoes. The words about the mess were on the tip of his tongue, but exhaustion tightened in his chest, so he simply went over, picked up a plate, and took it to the sink.
Ill wash them in a minute, Dad, Sophie said without looking up.
Mmm.
He turned on the tap and watched as the spaghetti softened and swirled pitifully down the drain. He switched off the water, stared at the wet crockery.
Soph, wheres Freddie?
In his room. Doing maths.
And you?
Ive finished everything.
He dried his hands on the tea towel and wandered to Freddies room. His son was lying on the rug, head resting on a fist, about one and a half maths problems scribbled in his notebook.
Hi, Richard said.
Hi.
Alright?
Yeah.
Homework?
Getting it done.
Richard sat down on the edge of the bed. Freddie glanced over, then went back to staring at his notebook.
Dad, is something wrong?
I dont know, Richard replied. Probably just tired.
And honestly, he didnt know. That morning his mother had rung, insisting he come by to help her reorganise her wardrobe. Then there was a meeting at work that somehow lasted until six, then the Undergroundpacked like sardines, jammed against the door. Now he was sitting in Freddies room, realising he didnt want to mention dishes or homework or tidiness. He just didnt want to be a human checklist, clocking in for Dad Duty.
Listen, how about we gather in the kitchen? he said. All of us.
Why? Freddie frowned.
Just for a chat.
Freddie looked suspicious. Is this about my last test in English?
No. Just want to talk.
Dad, I havent finished my homework.
You can finish it after. Five minutes, tops.
He got up, called for Sophie. She looked up, sighed in that special way teenagers do.
Really?
Really.
She tossed her phone onto the sofa and followed. Freddie shuffled in, loitering by the kitchen door as if the floor might swallow him whole.
Richard took a seat, slid the notebook aside. Sophie sat opposite, arms folded. Freddie perched nervously on the edge of a chair.
Whats up? Sophie asked.
Nothings up.
Then whats this for?
Richard glanced from one to the other. Freddies eyes were wide with worry, expecting some awful announcement.
I just want to talk, Richard said. Properly. Without all the you must do your homework, you must wash upall that.
So Freddie asked cautiously, does that mean we dont have to do dishes right now?
Well wash up after. This is different.
Sophie crossed her arms tighter. Youre acting weird today.
Weird, he agreed. Maybe Im tired of pretending everythings blissfully normal.
They sat in silence. He searched for words, but his mind was just blank.
I dont really know how to say this, he started, but it feels like were all pretending. I walk in, you pretend everythings fine, and I pretend I believe it. We talk about school, about dinner, but its not really talking, is it?
Dad, youre laying it on a bit, Sophie said softly. Why?
Honestly? Because Im scared I cant manage, and Im terrified you cant either, and I havent even noticed whats going wrong.
Freddie frowned. Im managing.
Are you? Richard looked hard at him. Then why have you been falling asleep after midnight these last couple of weeks?
Freddie fell silent, gazing at the table.
I hear you tossing and turning, Richard said. And you get up looking like youve been up all night.
Just not sleepy, Freddie muttered.
Freddie.
What?
Tell me the real reason.
Freddie shrugged, looked away.
Schools fine. I do my work. What else do you want?
Im not asking about schoolwork.
Sophie cut in, Dad, please stop grilling him.
Im not. I just want to understand.
He doesnt want to talk. Thats his right.
Richard turned to her. Alright, then how are you?
Sophie let out a half-laugh. Me? Wonderful. School, mates, doing what Im supposed to.
Soph
She fell quiet, looked down.
What?
You havent left the house much this month. Your friends invited you out twiceyou didnt go.
So what? Didnt feel like it.
Why?
She pressed her lips together.
Im just fed up. Bored of their endless chat about silly boys and pointless stuff. Happy?
Fine, he said. It just seems like youre a bit down.
She flicked her head as if shaking off invisible cobwebs. Im not down.
Alright.
Silence again. The only sound was the hum of the fridge.
Look, Richard said quietly, I dont want to be a parent right now. And I dont want you to feel like you have to make me feel better, either. Ill just be honest: Im scared. Every single day. I worry about money, I worry about Gran getting ill and not telling anyone, I worry about layoffs at work. I worry youre both struggling and Im too wrapped up in myself to notice. And frankly, Im tired of pretending its all under control.
Sophie blinked, looked at him properly.
But youre a grown-up, she murmured. You have to cope.
I know. But sometimes I dont.
Freddie looked up. What happens if you cant?
I dont know, Richard said truthfully. Maybe Ill have to ask for help.
From who?
From you lot, for starters.
Freddie frowned. But were just kids.
You are. But youre part of this familyand sometimes I need you to tell me the truth. Not just its fine, but whats really going on.
Sophie traced imaginary crumbs on the table.
Whats the point? Why do you want to know?
So Im not on my own with it all.
She glanced back, and Richard saw something that looked a lot like understanding.
Im frightened of school, Freddie burst out suddenly. Theres this boyhe calls me stupid. Every day. And everyone laughs.
Richard felt his heart clutch.
Whats his name?
Not telling. You’ll wade in and make it worse.
I promise I wont interfere. Really.
Freddie studied him for a long moment.
Really?
Really. But I need you to know youre not alone.
Freddie nodded, dropped his gaze. Im not. Theres Jamiehe’s alright. We sit together.
Good.
Sophie sighed. I dont want to go to uni, she said, almost whispering. Everyones asking which one, but I dont know. Not a clue. Im certain Ill end up nowhere, because I just dont get anything.
Soph, youre fourteen.
So? Everyone else already knows what theyre doing. I dont.
Not everyone.
Everyone I know.
He was quiet for a moment.
At your age, I wanted to be a geologist. Then I changed my mind. Then changed it again. Now I do something completely different.
And is that alright?
Sometimes. Sometimes not. Thats lifeits not meant to be all mapped out.
She nodded, hesitantly.
Justeveryone says you MUST decide.
They do, he said, but thats them talking. Not you.
She looked at him, almost smiling.
Youre definitely different today.
Im tired of being right all the time.
Freddie grinned. Can I ask you something?
Go on.
Are you really scared?
Definitely.
So what do you do when youre scared?
Richard thought for a moment. I get up in the morning and do something. Even if Im not sure its right. I just do it.
Freddie nodded, thinking it over.
They all sat, quiet. Richard looked at his two, knowing he hadnt fixed anything, hadnt given answers, hadnt chased away the worries. But something had shifted: they could see he was more than a collection of responsibilities. He was just there with them, as himself. And that was new.
Alright, said Sophie, getting up, lets do the dishes.
Ill help, Freddie added.
Me too, Richard said.
They stood, Sophie turned on the tap, Freddie fetched the sponge, Richard grabbed the tea towel. They worked in silence, but it was a different sort of silencefull, not empty.
When the last plate was on the rack, Sophie dried her hands and looked at Richard.
Dad, can we have a chat like this again? You know, sometime?
Anytime, he said. Whenever you want.
She nodded and went off to her room. Freddie stuck around, shuffling his feet.
Thanks for not marching into school about that boy, he mumbled.
But if it gets really bad, youll tell me?
I will.
Come on, lets finish your maths.
They headed back to Freddies room and sat together on the rug. Richard picked up the notebook, scanned the problems. Freddie scooted closer, and they got down to work, not rushing, almost in their old routine. But now Richard understood that behind the equations was a boy who was scaredand that he, Richard, was allowed to be scared too, and show up in the morning anyway.
It wasnt muchbut it was a beginning.











