Mate, youll get a kick out of this one its the whole lot of drama thats been bubbling in the little village of Littleford down in Yorkshire.
So theres Victor Harper, right? Hes been grumbling to anyone wholl listen about his new missus, Lucy Clarke. She cant cook a proper roast, cant even sort the laundry properly, hed mutter, slumped on a log outside his cottage, eyes drifting over to the empty bedroom where his bride used to be.
His neighbour, Nick Spencer, was fiddling with his motorcycle wrench and said, Come on, Victor, you just got married. Give her a breather, yeah?
Victor snapped back, I dont want to hear any more about the wedding. She wore me out that day enough already.
Nick, trying to be sympathetic, asked, Wore you out? How so?
Victor spat out a handful of sunflower seed shells and went on, She started making a joke of everything the moment I showed up with the wedding gift. I had to stand there in the yard for half a day solving her riddles, even got her to do a little gypsy dance, and my new trousers ripped from the strain. The old man gave me a pair of pants, I married her anyway, but by the time I got to her room Id walked through what felt like a dozen circles of hell and shed vanished. She leapt out the window and bolted. The whole village chased after her for half a day, only to find her laughing, saying shed changed her mind. When I stepped on her bouquet, she started bawling. Shed pull all the jokes, shed make a spectacle of herself at the ceremony, looked like I was forcing her into a marriage. At the reception she wouldnt even let me touch her, scared Id ruin her dress. Shed snarl, Victor, youve got greasy fingers from eating fried fish, my dress isnt a napkin.
Nick put the wrench aside, scratched under his cap and said, Well, Ive never seen Lucy act like that. My sister, Emma, never caused a scene like this.
Victor replied, All the other wives are sensible, but I got the nightmare version. Im up at dawn, doing all the chores while she just lies there sleeping. If only shed set the kettle on!
Nick asked, Does she want a job?
Victor sighed, She wont look for work. Says she needs a break after school. Her mum and grandma slip her money for hairpins and such, otherwise shed be nagging me nonstop.
Nick frowned, Sounds like a rough spot youve landed in, mate. Youve got yourself a lazy partner, send her packing until shes had kids, then maybe?
Victor snapped, I had no clue the Blackwood family raised a lazy girl. They kept bragging about their daughter Lily being pure gold. Turns out they sold her off like ballast, and I got stuck with the lot.
In the quiet of the village, the river murmurs, crickets chirp, cows low now and then, a dog barks, roosters crow, and tractors rumble along the dusty lane.
One afternoon, Kate Miller, Victors wife, shouted from their cottage, Victor, dinners ready, come in!
Nick, leaning on his motorcycle, turned his head toward the neighbours house, catching snippets of the newlyweds chatter through the open windows.
Victor called out, Lily, could you peel the potatoes? Ill get the onions.
Nick laughed, Youre doing the cooking again? I thought wed share the load.
Lily, with a voice as soft as a kittens purr, replied, Sure, love, Ill sort the onions.
Victor muttered, Why am I the one peeling? Thats a womans job.
Nick chuckled, Theyre just making a stew, and yours is already on the fire!
Lily giggled, Im busy fixing my hair, love.
Nick teased, Youll be as pretty as Sophia Loren when youre done, I swear.
Victor rolled his eyes, Shes got videos and CDs of her makeup tutorials.
Nick shook his head, peered into the neighbours window and wondered, Whats she up to now?
He walked over, crouched down, slipped silently into the yard and peeked inside. Victors new bride was twirling in the middle of the room, her hair in a big bouffant, looking like a 1950s film star. Victor sat at the table, his head bowed over a bowl.
Later, Nick ate his soup without any appetite, glanced at Victors satisfied wife and sighed, Can you believe how theyve spoiled Victor?
Kate, his own wife, asked, What happened?
Nick explained, Victor married Lucy, the one who just moved here from the city. She wanted to be a teacher but never finished her training.
Victor added, Shes a bit of a ditz, always thinking about parties and clothes. If only Victor had listened to my sister, Mary, whos still single, he mightve made a better choice.
Kate turned her face away, not wanting to talk about her younger sister, Mandy, who was plump and well, they were both a bit round now after the years.
Back at Victors place, music was blaring, the women were laughing, and Nick shouted through the window, Victor, whats all this racket in the middle of the day?
Victor answered, Its Lilys friend from the city, Lucys. She turned the tape player on as soon as she got here.
Nick shot back, When will you stop tolerating this nonsense? Your wife should be running the house, not making a circus of herself!
Victor retorted, What can I do? If shes happy, let her be.
Nick warned, Shes not a child anymore. Shes a wife, a mothertobe. You need to put her in her place, throw that tape player out the window.
Victor grew sullen, Go tell your own wife what to do, Nick. Ill handle this myself.
The next day it poured nonstop. Grey skies promised no sunshine. Kate was in the kitchen making jam, while Nick roamed the house.
Kate suggested, Why dont you go mushroompicking? Put on your raincoat, fresh mushrooms will pop up after the rain.
Nick replied, Id rather not go alone.
Call Victor then, she said.
Nick sighed, Hes probably still miffed with me. He peered out the window and saw Victor trudging up with a bag of fish. Hey neighbour, Victor said, slipping inside.
Nick greeted him, Got some smoked fish? I love that. Want a cuppa?
They sat in silence for a while, then Nick asked, Hows married life? Did your guest leave?
Victor shrugged, Shes gone.
Nick frowned, Whats Lucy up to now?
Victor answered, She went to the shop.
Nick laughed, What does she buy? A bag of dumplings and lipstick? My wife, Kate, once saw her at the shop ordering all sorts of cosmetics, not a single loaf of bread for the family.
Kate, standing by the stove, fell silent, her head dropping.
Victor shrugged, Let her shop. Shes always putting on makeup.
Nick asked, Why?
Victor shrugged again, She wants to look pretty, not a drab housewife.
Nick, thinking, said, Maybe our wives should stick together, teach each other how to keep a tidy home and cook proper meals, not just lounge about.
Victor declared, Lily, we need to talk.
Lily turned, eyes sparkling, Whats up, love?
Shed dyed her thick brown hair white, had her lashes extended, brows shaped a full makeover.
Victor cooed, You look amazing.
She blushed, Thats thanks to my friend Tanya from the salon.
Her neighbour Kate smiled, Why not join us? Ill pop over.
Lily spritzed herself with perfume, Victors nose twitched, she slipped into a new dress, put on lipstick and headed out.
She came back, quiet, changed into a nightgown, washed her face, tied her hair back. She sat on the sofa where Victor was lounging and said, Victor, are you complaining to the neighbours about me?
He stammered, I I just heard things
She burst into tears, If youre unhappy, just say it!
From that day she stopped staring at herself in the mirror, stopped preening, and threw herself into housework baking pies, cleaning, always looking tired and brooding. Her smile vanished, the laughter in the house died, and the music stopped.
Then, one morning, she was gone. Victor woke up, she wasnt in the bed, there was only a note on the door:
Victor, Ive thought it over Im a terrible wife. Youre always nagging, complaining to the neighbours. I cant take it any longer. Lets part ways. Dont look for me; you wont find me. Goodbye.
Victor shouted, What? Lucy, my Lucy!
Nick arrived first, trying to console him: She ran off, what a mess. She probably headed for the city, where lifes brighter. I told you shed be a problem. Dont worry, well find you a proper, hardworking wife.
Just then, Victors neighbours wife, Kate, burst in with her younger sister, Mary, both carrying suitcases.
Nick joked, Is Mary now your wife, Victor?
Victor scowled, turning away.
Nick looked out the window, sighing, Why cant I stay home? No one to go fishing with.
Kate shouted from the kitchen, Whats all this shouting about?
Lately, the vibe between Victor and Kate had turned sour, just like the drama with Lucy. Kate complained, Youve dumped all the house work on me, I cant breathe.
Nick asked, Whats wrong, Kate?
She replied, Im not just a workhorse, I want perfume, makeup, a night out in the city, new dresses
Nick understood, So Lucys been messing with you, huh?
Kate sighed, Its not Lucy, its you, Victor. I cant see a future with you, stuck in the fields. I want a job in the town centre, Im tired of this.
Victor, back from the village, was hammering away at the windows and doors of his cottage. Nick heard the banging and rushed over.
What are you doing, Victor? he asked, eyes wide.
Victor announced, Im moving, neighbour.
Nick, stunned, asked, Where to?
Victor grinned, Im heading to the town centre. Theres a club, a café, somewhere to take a wife.
Nick panicked, Youve lost Lucy, she ran off!
Victor laughed, Shes found a flat in town, got a job. Im going after her.
Nick shouted, Youre mad! You trusted that reckless woman! Youll end up with nothing!
Victor replied, Happiness isnt in pies, its with a woman you love. Ill eat premade meals if I have to, as long as shes by my side.
Nick kept yelling, Dont be foolish! but Victor just laughed and walked away.
Nick shook his head, What a fool, marrying a hopeless lass and becoming one himself a perfect pair of mismatched shoes.
He went back home, sighing, only to find Kate sitting on the porch, clutching a suitcase.
Whats going on? he asked.
She sobbed, Im leaving, Victor. Im off to the town centre to find work. Im fed up being a servant.
Nick gently took her suitcase, lifted her trembling frame, and said, You shouldve said that earlier, Kate
She wept, Im tired, Nick I want freedom, just like Lily.
Nick held her, feeling the weight of all that broken tradition. The village quieted, the rain kept falling, and the whole lot of us learned that sometimes the best thing to do is just let go.
