My Pain: I Despise My Wife and Don’t Want a Child with Her
How do I carry on?
My name is Andrew.
I’m writing this because I can’t keep it bottled up any longer.
My spirit is torn apart.
I am miserable.
I feel like a prisoner in my own life.
In my world, everything was decided for me—parents, relatives, customs.
And now, I live with a woman for whom I feel nothing but hatred.
Every day, I curse the moment I couldn’t say “no.”
My heart belonged to someone else
I was in love with her.
The one I chose for myself.
The one with whom I was happy.
Her name was Emily, and when I was with her, it felt like I had found my other half.
Six months of happiness.
Six months when, for the first time, I felt like a real man and not a puppet for my family.
But the happiness was short-lived.
As soon as my father found out about her, he was furious.
“You dared to get involved with someone outside?!”
He wouldn’t listen to me.
He couldn’t see how much I loved her.
He only cared about one thing—that she wasn’t from our social circle.
He decided that I wouldn’t have a choice.
He did everything he could to break me.
My brother and his friends watched my every step.
And then…
Then they found us.
I couldn’t protect my love
That day, Emily and I hid in the park.
We sat on a bench, holding hands.
We thought no one would find us.
But suddenly, they appeared.
My brother.
And three of his friends.
I saw hatred in their eyes.
They didn’t even speak—they just attacked me.
I remember falling to the ground, feeling blows to my face and stomach.
I heard Emily scream.
I heard her trying to pull them off me.
But I couldn’t do anything.
They beat me.
They humiliated me.
They crushed me.
And then they took me home.
I never saw Emily again.
I was married off like a piece of stock
The next day, they married me off.
Just like that.
Without my consent.
Without my choice.
As if I were an object to be traded.
I screamed.
I protested.
But no one heard me.
My family thought they knew best.
And I ended up under the same roof with a stranger I didn’t even know.
A woman I didn’t want to know.
I became a prisoner in my own home
I lived next to her, but I never saw her as my wife.
I spoke to her only when necessary.
I avoided sharing a bed with her whenever I could.
But one day, she told me:
“I’m pregnant.”
And I realized that now I was bound even tighter.
Now it wasn’t just about marriage.
There would be a family I never wanted.
But fate decided differently.
One evening, I came home exhausted, angry, disappointed.
I saw her walking around the house with a disgruntled look, muttering under her breath.
I said a few harsh words to her.
She snapped back.
I lost control.
I pushed her.
She fell.
And a few hours later, she miscarried.
Do you know what’s most terrifying?
I don’t feel guilty.
I have no regrets.
I’m glad this child won’t be here.
Because I never wanted it.
I don’t know how to move forward
I live with a woman I don’t love.
I think about the one I lost.
I look in the mirror and see a broken man who did nothing to save his own life.
I don’t know what to do.
I see no way out.
But there’s one thing I am sure of:
I won’t resign to this fate.
I’ll find a way to leave.
I’ll find a way to break free.
And then I might finally be able to breathe again.
