Yesterday I popped by my neighbours flat to borrow a drill. He answered the door in joggers and a faded Beatles t-shirt, with a bemused smile.
“Come in, Ive just finished dinner, he said.
Inside, his place was spotless, with the inviting aroma of roast chicken wafting from the kitchen. Laptop open on the table, a glass of red wine standing sentry nearby.
My neighbour, Mark, is fifty-one. Divorced twelve years now, living solo ever since. Works as an engineer, pulls in about £3,000 a month.
Ive known Mark for five years, ever since I moved into the building, and in all that time not once have I seen a woman enter or leave his flat, not even for a quick cuppa.
He handed me the drill, then poured a couple glasses of whisky.
“Sit down, since youre here. Its been a while, he said.
So we sat at his kitchen table, swirling whisky and getting a bit nostalgic.
I finally asked, Mark, why are you still single? Never thought about dating?
He smirked, Not really looking, mate. Ive been living on my own for twelve years and, honestly, Im better off this way.
Whys that?
He topped up our drinks, then leaned back, stretching his back like a satisfied cat. Six reasons, and every single one Ive learnt the hard way.
Reason One Risk of Going Broke in a Divorce
Mark began, I divorced twelve years ago. Married to Alice for eighteen years. Weve got a daughter, shes twenty-eight now and lives in Manchester.
He took a lingering sip.
Split up because she was cheating. Walked in on her and a bloke from work. Filed for divorce straight away.
And?
Well, the court split our house down the middle, even though Id been paying most of the mortgage. In the end: we sold up, split the money, and I bought this one-bedroom flat.
He looked at me with the weariness of a man whos seen his half disappear.
Mate, I lost half my stuff because she was unfaithful. And the law said that was perfectly fine. I paid for the house, while she was off having escapades, and she still got half.
I shrugged. Thats divorce, I suppose
Exactly. So tell me this: why take the risk again? Say I meet someone, we move in together, stay a few years, get married, pick up a car or another property. Then she decides to leg it. Why would I gamble it all again?
I had no comeback. Mark ploughed on.
Reason Two Women Dont Support Mens Dreams
You know what, Ive still got a dream. I want to buy an old Triumph motorcycle, fix it up, ride it on weekends go full Steve McQueen.
I grinned, Sounds ace.
Yeah. Ive been saving for a year. Six more months and Ill get a 70s Bonneville. Itll be my project.
He chased his whisky with a gulp of water.
Back when I was married, I had dreams too. Wanted to learn guitar, signed up for lessons. Alice said, Whats the point? Youre forty, youre not going to turn into Eric Clapton overnight. So I quit. I fancied a canoeing trip in Scotland, she said, What are you, twelve? Just because weve got a mortgage, doesnt mean you turn into Huckleberry Finn. So I didnt go.
He stared out the window, a wistful smile on his lips.
Women rubbish mens dreams. Think theyre daft. But now, I live alone, do what I fancy. When I buy that motorbike, no one will call me an idiot.
Reason Three Sky-High Expectations
He snorted, Three years ago I tried internet dating. Set up a profile: honest about age, job, salary, hobbies.
And?
Chatted with a few. There was one Rachel, forty-six, receptionist at some hair salon. Brings home about £900 a month. She messages, You seem interesting, but Im looking for someone on at least £4,000 a month.”
He chuckled, I said, And how much do you make? She blocked me for being cheeky.
He threw up his hands.
Honestly, women these days think theyre princesses. They make £900 or £1,000, rent a flat, but want a man with fancy car, their own place, two holidays a year. What do they offer, apart from, you know, their feminine charms?
He finished his whisky, shaking his head.
I have a steady income, own my place, have a decent car. But to half of them, I may as well be a pauper because Im not a millionaire. Why bother with someone who cant appreciate what Ive achieved?
Reason Four Domestic Skills (or Lack Thereof)
I asked, Dont you miss a homely touch? Having someone to share chores, cook together?
Mark burst out laughing, waving a hand around his immaculate flat.
Look around. Is it tidy? Yes. I clean once a week, takes an hour. Cooking? Of course. Tonights dinner was chicken and roasted veg took half an hour. Laundry? Push a button. Job done.
He got up, gestured at his gleaming kitchen.
I dont need a woman to keep house. I do just fine. And do you know how many women nowadays cant cook at all? Half of them. Theyre living on Tesco meal deals and microwave meals.
There are some good home-makers out there
Sure. But theyre as rare as a sunny Bank Holiday. And when you find one, shes often got a price tag: Support me and Ill run the house. Id rather cook myself, thanks.
Reason Five Fear of Being Lied To, or Used
Mark poured out another glass for both of us.
After the divorce, I dated two women. Both were liars.
How so?
The first, Emma, said she was divorced. We dated for a month. Turns out, she was married just wanted someone to buy her dinners since her husband was skint.
He downed a sip.
The second, Victoria, insisted she had no kids. After two months, turned out there were two hidden ones. Didnt mention it because she thought Id run.
Blimey
Exactly. Im fed up with dishonesty. Women seem to think its alright to hide things, just to get a man onside. And then they wonder why we grow suspicious.
Reason Six Initiative Is Punished
Mark slumped in his chair, hint of a smirk.
The last time I tried to chat up a woman was a year ago. In Waterstones. She was picking out a classic novel, about forty-five, quite pretty.
And?
I said, Hi there. I see you like the classics, can I recommend one? She gave me a look like Id tried to nick her purse. Cold as ice: Thanks. Ill manage. Turned heel and vanished.
He grinned ruefully.
Any initiative from a man now is seen as creepy. You say hello, youre a predator. Message her online youre a weirdo. Invite her for coffee clearly a gold-digger.
I tried, Not every womans like that
He nodded, No, not all. But most. Im too old for awkward rejections and frosty glares. If a womans interested, she can make the first move. Im done chasing.
What I Thought Afterwards
Mark drained his glass, gave me a pensive look.
Im not saying all women are bad. There are good ones. But theyre like finding a four-leaf clover on a windy day in Leeds. The cost of picking wrong is high: money, stress, time lost.
He stood up.
Im fifty-one. Ive got a good job, my own place, a car, a hobby or two. Good friends. Im happy on my own. Why risk my contentment for a relationship that could end up costing me everything?
I went home, got into bed, and lay there stewing on what hed said.
Im forty-nine, married twenty-three years. Things are alright with my wife. But if I found myself alone would I do what Marks done?
Maybe I would.
So, is Mark wise for steering clear of women out of fear of loss, or just a coward afraid of connection?
Is divorce really financial ruin for men, even when the wifes unfaithful, or is that overblown?
Is it truly justified for a man in his fifties to skip romance because the price of a mistake is too high, or is that just selfish or fearful of living?
And do women really dismiss mens dreams and call them silly or do men just keep picking the wrong ones?
