Recently, my mother has been living on her own. After her divorce from my dad, my brother stayed with her for a spell but soon moved in with his girlfriend. She mentioned to me more than once how difficult it is rattling around in that big old house by herself. She said she gets spooked in the evenings and misses having someone to natter with. Feeling a bit sorry for her, I suggested perhaps she could move in with her sistermy Aunt Margaretsince she’s also on her own. But Mum wasn’t keen on the idea. She reckons that, at their age, personalities can clash pretty quickly.
When my brother left, Mum would visit us quite a lot. Sometimes for Sunday lunch, sometimes she’d turn up on a Tuesday after work. We always made an effort to make her feel welcome and enjoyed her company. When we visited the in-laws, we’d take her out to the countryside with us so shed have a change of scene. We really tried to make sure she wasnt feeling so lonely.
All of that went well until my wife and I had our son. Using the excuse of wanting to help with the baby, Mum asked if she could stay for a bit after I brought them both home from the hospital. She gave quite a good case for herself, so after thinking it over, we agreed. Truth to be told, she did help quite a lotshe was a huge help with the little one and took some chores off our plate. What we hadnt expected was that shed end up staying onnearly two months now and no hint of moving out. To make things more awkward, she started talking about renting out her house to tenants, since its sitting empty, and how that would be the sensible thing to do.
Both my wife and I are truly grateful for all she does; shes been brilliant with our son and the flat is never untidy. But were starting to crave some privacy again. Shes retired now and hardly ever goes outshes always in the flat, tidying, pottering about, fixing things. The kitchen has become her domain, and everything in there is constantly being rearranged. Our little family just doesnt have enough space for a permanent lodger, especially with a new baby in a modest London flat. I cant even relax in my dressing gown without worrying about bumping into Mum in the hallway. Its beginning to wear us down.
Shes now started to comment on how we live our lives and where we spend our moneysometimes even giving my wife a bit of stick about not helping me enough. Its getting a bit much for both of us.
I tried to sit down and have an honest conversation with her. I tried to explain that young families do better having their own space. But she just wont have it. She insists that its totally normal for a mum to live with her grown-up children, and that we couldnt possibly manage a baby on our own. She says its too much for two people.
I honestly have no idea how to break through to her, or how to tell her politely that shes starting to wear out her welcome. I do feel for hershes lonely, and its never easy being on your own in your golden years.
But in the end, its not really anyones fault that she split up with Dad, and no ones stopping her from getting back out there and finding someone new. If theres anything Ive learnt, its that family is important, but sometimes even family needs a bit of distance.
