I have been married for 10 years, and we are a religious family with three children. When I got married, I moved out of the city where I had been living with my mother and grandmother. Unfortunately, my grandmother passed away, and my mother was left alone. She grieved deeply, often visited us, but eventually managed to cope and continued working.
A few years later, we decided to bring her to live near us because she started having high blood pressure, joint pain, and other health issues. I was worried about her condition, so we invited her to move closer. She agreed. My mother had spent her entire life living with her own mother without a husband, so being alone was very difficult for her. We rented her an apartment nearby, we pay for the rent, and we also found her a job.
However, the problem is that she completely immerses herself in my and my children’s lives. When she used to visit for short periods, everything seemed normal, but now she is entirely involved in our daily lives.
I don’t want this; I feel exhausted by her constant control and excessive concern. She has her own worldview and opinions, which she constantly imposes on me and my children. Moreover, she does not follow religious laws, which often leads to conflicts.
In her eyes, I do everything wrong—I don’t raise the children properly, I don’t manage the household correctly. She always wants to know every little detail about our lives, constantly questioning the nannies about what we do, where we go, and how we raise the children. With each passing year, our relationship worsens. We have been living like this for a long time. Because of this, I have become irritable at home, I have started doubting myself as a mother, and I always feel her presence around me, even when she is not physically there.
I have tried to limit her visits, making excuses about the children’s busy schedules. She does not perceive my husband as part of the family—it feels as though she sees him as an obstacle preventing her from completely merging into my and my children’s lives, the way she once lived with her own mother.
From time to time, she breaks down emotionally and pours out her suffering, telling me how unwanted she feels. I keep trying to navigate the situation, but I don’t know how to stay emotionally strong while still treating her with respect.
This has become my constant worry. I don’t want to see her, and yet I feel guilty about it. Almost every phone conversation leaves me feeling drained, as if I have been squeezed like a lemon.
She thinks I am exaggerating and that she is simply showing me love. I try to be a good daughter, but I feel like I am losing my mind.
Now we are planning to move to another country because of my husband’s job. On one hand, I see this as my salvation, but on the other, I feel guilty about leaving my mother behind.
However, I can no longer live near her—it would be better to be in another city or even another country so that she can only visit occasionally instead of completely integrating into our lives.
I need advice: am I doing the right thing by moving away and leaving her? Worse, I am hiding this from her. What if her health deteriorates, and she suffers even more? In essence, I feel absolutely terrible.
