My husband has always told me Im not feminine enough. At first, hed just drop comments in passingsuggesting that I should wear more makeup, that I should put on dresses, that I should try to be softer. But Ive never been that type. Ive always been practical, straightforward, not particularly concerned with my appearance. I work, I solve problems, I do what needs to be done. He knew me like this from the very beginningIve never pretended to be anyone else.
As time went by, those remarks became more frequent. He started comparing me to women we saw on social media, to the wives of our friends, even to his colleagues. He once said I looked more like a mate than a wife. I used to listen, sometimes wed have a bit of an argument, but we always moved on. I never thought it was something seriousjust the usual differences that crop up in relationships.
The day I buried my father, all that suddenly stopped feeling trivial. I was in shock. I barely slept, barely ate, and couldnt concentrate on anything except getting through the funeral. I pulled on the first black clothes I found, didnt bother with makeup, and barely touched my hair. I simply had no strength left for any of it.
Before we stepped out the door, my husband looked at me and said, Are you really going out like that? Couldnt you at least tidy yourself up a bit?
For a moment, I didnt understand. I told him I didnt care what I looked likeId just lost my father. He replied, Yes, but still… People will talk. You look a mess.
Something odd twisted in my chest, as if Id been crushed from the inside.
At the service, he stood with the othersshaking hands, offering condolences, looking serious. But he kept his distance from me. He didnt hold me much or ask how I was coping. At one point, as we passed a mirror in the lounge, he muttered that I ought to pull myself together, because my dad wouldnt want to see me like this.
After the funeral, back at home, I asked him if that truly was the only thing he noticed about me that dayif he couldnt see how utterly shattered I was. He said I was making a fuss, that he was just sharing his opinion, and that a woman ought not to let herself go, even at times like this.
Since then, I look at him differently.
Yet I cant bring myself to leave him.
I feel like I cant cope without him.











