I’m married to a man who was previously married and has two children from that relationship. My husband and his ex-wife split up quite some time ago, but they still keep in touch, mostly to discuss matters concerning their children. He pays child maintenance and otherwise continues to help out. In general, my husband seems very well-informed about everything happening with his kids, his ex-wife, and even his former mother-in-law.
Then, out of the blue, I find out that my husband has decided to offer his ex-wife some financial help. Apparently, she has run up quite a few debts. Three years ago, she took out a bank loan to start a small business, but for reasons unknown to me, it failed. The loan was taken, but she hasnt got the means to repay it. The sum she owes has grown rather significantly already. I cant fathom why she thought transferring her property to her mother was a solutionotherwise, she and the children would have ended up on the streets because of these debts.
My husband recently learned about this and started dropping subtle hints to me. As it turns out, his ex-wifes debts could affect his children as well. He suggested that it wouldnt hurt to help her out with some money; otherwise, shed never be able to clear the debt before reaching retirement, and all that trouble would fall to their kids in the end.
Just yesterday, he came out and said, Im going to give my ex-wife half my salary every month so she can pay it off quicker What do you think about that?
I must admit, I was taken aback by this news. I said to him, Are you absolutely sure about this, dear? Who is she to you at this point that you feel you need to help? Shes not family anymore; shes a stranger, really. Why is this your concern?
He remained firm, insisting, Well, my children are there, and if worst comes to worst, the debt will fall on them eventually. I have to do something.
I pointed out that he already pays child maintenance, and on top of that, he regularly sends extra money. Their children are well looked after. His ex-wife should manage her own debts, and that has nothing to do with us. I told him straight that I didnt agree and asked why we should do without so he could help someone whos no longer in his life. I said it plainlyabsolutely not!
My husband fell silent and seemed rather hurt by my response. Still, I cant help but wonderdid I really say anything wrong?
Reflecting on all of it, I realise how hard it can be to strike the right balance between empathy and setting boundaries. Sometimes, its necessary to look after your own family first and not let old connections cloud your better judgement.
