My daughter recently started crawling. Now when I leave the room or go out, she follows me and asks to be picked up. My father keeps telling me: “Don’t see her – you won’t be able to wean her. She will constantly ask for you. Leave her on the floor, she will understand what to do. I did not answer, but hugged my daughter. Then I seriously wondered if I was overprotective. That is, I constantly hug her when she cries, caress her, tell her only nice words, try not to scold her. Yes, maybe I love her very much, but I can’t do otherwise. I give my daughter what I did not receive. I don’t want her to grow up as unlucky as I did. I don’t know my parents. I never saw them. My mother died when I was a year old, and a year later I was placed in an orphanage.
Having learned about where and in what conditions I was, my current parents, that is, the family of my great aunt, arranged custody and took me to their home. I won’t lie, it was not easy for me: my father was a widower, and my mother worked from morning to night to support the family. She never caressed me, never said that I was beautiful, never said that she was proud of my achievements at school, never hugged me. And I wanted this most of all in the world – love. Well, what could I do, my mother had no time for love. I knew that in fact both my father and mother loved me, but they did not show this love. I had to invent the scenario myself. Now, when I have a family, nothing like that is visible. No one will say that I did not receive enough love from my parents.
I am quite sociable, smiling, mostly in a good mood. But only I know what is going on inside. I am married now, raising a beautiful, healthy girl. I am very lucky with my husband. He loves me, practically carries me in his arms, fulfills all requests and even helps in the household. But still I can’t get rid of this feeling, the feeling and the fear of being a nurse again. Children grow up anyway. Here, you grew up a normal girl, because no one looked after you until you were two years old, and nothing… Well, yes, nothing. Dad, of course, did not know how I made up fairy tales for myself, where the princess (me) rules the country of love, where all the inhabitants love her and compliment her.
I was hanging on every boy who showed even the slightest interest in me, I was drinking in any person who tried to get in touch with me. I drank in like a tick and sucked out of them all the love that I always lacked. For 5 years, I dated a real jerk. I was afraid to leave him because I thought that no one needed me except him. All this was known only to me, fragments – to my husband (but not all, of course). I understood that sometimes I miss my daughter, but I was not going to change. I thought, let my daughter get more love than she deserves, rather than not get any at all.
