My ex-sister-in-law turned up at Christmas dinner and we were all gobsmacked.
When the doorbell rang at 8:47 pm on 31st December, the entire family looked at each other as if someone had just yelled Fire! Mum dropped the ladle in the pot of baked beans. Dad paused mid-chorus during Fairytale of New York. And me? I nearly choked on a mince pie.
Are we expecting anyone else? Mum asked, running a quick mental checklist of potential latecomers.
My brother, Simon, looked up from the sofa, where he was building a tower out of Lego with his four-year-old daughter, Daisy. His face drained a couple of shades paler.
It cant be he muttered under his breath.
But oh, it could. Because standing at the door, with a box of shop-bought coleslaw in one hand and a bottle of prosecco in the other, was Charlottemy ex-sister-in-law of six months.
Family! Charlotte beamed, dazzling smile and all. Happy New Year!
The silence was thicker than our turkey gravy. You could have served it with a carving knife.
Charlie I startedstruggling for wordsI thought
That I broke up with Simon? she finished for me, gliding in as if nothing had happened. Right you are. But I broke up with HIM, not all of you. We dont celebrate with Simon, do we? We celebrate with FAMILY.
My mumdiplomatic soul that she iswas the first to recover.
Well that does make sense.
Mum! Simon exploded in indignation.
Auntie Charlie! squealed Daisy, sprinting over to wrap Charlottes knees in a hug.
In that moment, we knew resistance was futile.
What followed was the most bizarrely harmonious and utterly surreal dinner of my life. Charlotte took her usual spot at the table, helped dish up the turkey, and even passed the gravy to Simon with such nonchalance that most of us forgot to chew.
More mash? she offered Simon, ladle poised.
…Yes, thanks, he managed, looking utterly wrong-footed.
Still snoring like a tractor?
Charlotte, please
Your next girlfriend ought to know. Cant say I didnt warn her.
I DONT have a new girlfriend!
Oh, well. No rush, then.
Dad kicked me under the table, barely containing a laugh. Mum stared into her prosecco as if it held the secrets of the universe.
The pinnacle of weirdness? Gift time. Charlotte had something for EVERYONE. Including Simona book about meditation and anger management.
You do get wound up over the recycling, she said serenely as he unwrapped it, jaw clenched.
But what finally undid any lingering frosty feelings was when Daisy fell asleep on the sofahead in her mothers lap, feet in her dads. Charlotte and Simon shared a look. The kind of look you only share with someone who gets the big stuff.
Youre still family, Mum whispered, placing a hand on Charlottes. Breakup or no breakup.
And while we did the washing up after, I couldn’t help but reflect that my family is magnificently dysfunctional and perfectly ours.
Simon came through the kitchen, carrying the dozing Daisy to the car.
Ill give you a lift home, he said to Charlotte with a sigh of no real resistance.
What a gentleman! Now you know why I married you?
Now you know why we got divorced?
Both of them grinned. Who knows what next year will bring for that lot?
