My brothers pregnant wife demanded we hand over our flat.
Ive been married for ten years now. My husband and I squeeze ourselves into a modest two-bedroom flat. Were still dutifully paying off the mortgage, and we havent quite plucked up the courage to have children yet. Mainly, were keen to actually feel like adults before venturing into the parenting wilderness.
My brother, meanwhile, is also married. He and his wife are crammed in a poky little studio flat. My brother juggles two full-time jobs, and still finds odd ways to scrape together a bit more money. His wife, Lily, doesnt workat least, not in any office youd recognise. She simply reproduces at a rate to rival a rabbit colony. Theyve already got three little ones, she’s carrying a fourth, and shes already planning the fifth.
Not content with just the kids, theyve taken out loans for every home gadget you can imagine. My husband and I often bail them outa bit of cash here, a few groceries there. Sometimes, Lily wont even trouble herself to ask. She simply tells. Blessed with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, she marches in, makes her demands, and acts terribly miffed if we remind her of reality and say no. Inevitably, she and my brother get themselves in a huff, but a few weeks later, they pop up again with another urgent request.
The other day, Lily trumpeted her grandest scheme yet: Since you two arent bothered about having kids, and were about to pop out a fourth, you really ought to give us your flat, she informed me, as if discussing whose turn it was to make the tea.
Where, exactly, are we supposed to go? I replied, struggling to keep a straight face at this fantasy.
Oh, youll back off to the studio flat, of course. Well let yours out to tenants, you can pay rent, lovely job! And she had the audacity to ask, So, when can you move out?
Do you know what, Lily? Perhaps you ought to check yourself into a hospital for the bewildered. Kindly see yourself out of my home.
Well, if I lose the baby, itll be entirely your fault, she said gravely as she marched out.
True to her dramatic declaration, that very daybarely three months alongshe slipped out somewhere and miscarried, in secret.
Cue the grand entrance of my brother, who thundered into our flat at two in the morning, flinging accusations like a footballer during a bad season. My husband calmly, but firmly, demanded to know what had happened. Once Id filled him in, my husband dealt with my brother in a uniquely British way: marched him to the bath, gave his head a couple of turns under the cold tap, and sent him packing.
That was the last time I saw my brother. Family, eh?












