Diary entry
Its been three months now of my brother pestering me about our mother. She hasnt really been herself since her stroke. Shes become oblivious to so much, needing constant supervisionreally, she needs care like a child would. I have a job, a house, a family of my own. How am I supposed to split myself in half? I suggested putting her into a care home, but my brother is at his wits end and accuses me of being heartless. Yet he wont bring her to his either. To be fair, he lives at his wifes place.
We used to be a proper family unit, the four of us. My brother Ben and I are only a year apart, and our parents had us later in their lives. Im 36 now, Bens 35, and Mum is 72. Everything was ticking along just fine until Dad passed away.
Ben moved to Birmingham for university and settled there, eventually marrying and staying. I stayed here in Manchester, first at home, then moving into a flat with my husband Matthew after we married. We had plans to buy our own place, maybe have children. Those were the dreams.
Dad died two years ago and thats when Mum changedshe became withdrawn, lonely, yearning for him. She seemed to age overnight. When her health wobbled, six months ago she suffered a stroke. She was touch and go at firstthank God for the NHS, pulling her back from the brink. To begin with, she struggled to speak, couldnt properly move her arms and legs. She did improve, but not completely.
Doctors warned us that some changes would be permanent. I had to step in and look after her. Matthew and I moved back into her flat. I even gave up my steady job for freelance work just to be there for her. I cant leave her aloneafter her mobility came back, it wasnt any easier.
Most days, Mum is agitated, confused, sometimes tries to wander off, talks about waiting for Dad, bursts into tears for no reason. We chase after her, persuading her to come back insidesometimes it feels endless. My sleep is rubbish; always terrified shell slip out unnoticed. Work barely gets done. I cant concentrate.
Matthew suggested a care home. It costs a fortunealmost £2,000 a monthbut with both Ben and I contributing, we could just about swing it. It seems fair.
It took a while for me to gather the nerve, but I knew deep down there was no alternative. Shed have round-the-clock care, medical help. I did my researchvisited some places. Still very dear, but the best we can do.
Then I rang Ben and laid it out for him, hoping hed see reason. No such luck; he went absolutely spare.
Are you mad? You want to put Mum in a home? Surrounded by strangers? How do you know shell be treated well? Cruel, thats what it is! he shouted. Or do you just want her out of the way?
I tried to explain, but he wasnt listening. Same conversation again and again. But the truth is, Im exhausted. I brought it up once morehis opinion never changed.
Id never do that to Mum. She raised us, looked after us. We werent raised in care. She never complained, even when it was tough.
All of a sudden, its my sole responsibility. I snapped, Well, come take her then. Show us all how much you care.
You know full well I live with Sueher place, her rules. How do you imagine I can ask Sue to look after my mother?
But why is it fine for my husband to care for his mother-in-law, but not Bens wife? His logic just doesnt stand.
When I suggested I could simply leave Mum for Ben to handle, he hesitated and mumbled about being busy with work, saying I was only making excuses to shirk my duties.
I feel like Im trapped in a bad dream. On one hand, the sensible thing is to arrange proper care for Mumeven if it means a home. But then Im struck by guilt, imagining myself as an ungrateful daughter. Matthew supports mehe wants Mum to go to a home too, where shell have professional care and we can finally reclaim our lives.
Ive decided to give it a week. If Ben doesnt step up, I have to take matters into my own hands. Mum needs more than I can give. Advice is cheap, but only I truly know how hard it is to care for someone so ill. Ben can make whatever excuses he wantsIm done carrying this burden alone.
