Mum Was Tired
Sarah shouted at the cashier so harshly that the poor womans hands were shaking.
How much longer are you going to faff about? If you cant do the job properly, maybe you should stay at home!
Im so sorry, the elderly lady replied, already scanning things quicker than most, but somehow she managed to speed up even more.
Sarah, her husband Tom gently touched her elbow, Come on, thats enough, lets go.
She whipped around, Oh, and you can keep out of it, cant you? Did anyone ask your opinion?
Tom looked away, embarrassed, and just fell silent as usual.
***
Back home, the air was thick with the smell of herby roast chicken. Her mother-in-law, Barbara, stood by the hob, stirring a pan.
Oh, youre home! Ive made us some chicken noodle soup. Come and have some, Ill serve it up.
Sarah hissed, How many times have I asked you not to invade my kitchen? Do you live here now or are you still just visiting?
Barbaras face went pale and she set the spoon down.
I was just trying to help…
I dont need any help, thank you very much. I can manage perfectly well on my own!
Just then, seven-year-old Charlie ran in from the lounge.
Mum, hello! Jack from next door said Im a wimp, but Im not, am I?
Oh, get lost, Sarah snapped. Cant you see Im busy?
Charlie froze, glancing at his gran, who looked away immediately.
Sarah stormed off and slammed the living room door behind her.
***
Thats just how life was in their house.
Each day was pretty much a repeat of the last. Sarah woke up in a foul mood, went to bed in a foul mood, and in between she shouted at anyone in arms reachher husband, her mother-in-law, her son, the checkout lady, colleagues, even strangers on the street.
Now and then, shed catch herself thinking, God, what am I doing? But that thought always disappeared into a black hole, one she just couldnt find a way out of.
Tom put up with it. Hed got used to it. A decade of marriage had taught him one thing: keep quiet and keep out of her way.
He worked two jobs, brought home every penny he could, did whatever she asked. At night, once Sarah had fallen asleep, hed go into the kitchen, sip a cup of tea, and stare into space, lost in his thoughts.
Barbara had moved in three months ago, offering to help with Charlie while his parents were both out at work.
Shed agreed reluctantly, and every day she found herself dodging Sarahs angry looks.
Charliewell. Charlie just got on with life. Ran around, played, and asked questions. But every time he tried to talk to Mum, he ran straight into a brick wall.
At first, hed cry. Then he stopped. Hed just go and sit by his gran quietly, because it was calmer there.
***
Friday was no different to any other day, really.
Sarah came back from work even angrier than usual: her boss had had a go at her, a colleague tried to undermine her, someone stepped on her foot on the Tube.
Right before she got home, Charlie had spilled juice all over their brand new beige sofathe one theyd only just finished paying off.
He stood there, staring at the spreading red stain, clutching an empty glass, absolutely petrified.
What have you done?! Sarah yelled, dumping her bag and glaring at the sofa. Do you even know how much this thing cost?!
I didnt mean to, Mum. Please dont shout. You scare me
Oh, youre scared, are you? Sarah went up a gear, The only thing youre good at is breaking things and making life miserable!
Mum, Im sorry
Get to your room! I dont want to see you!
Charlie trudged off. Sarah stood there, shouting at the walls, until her voice went hoarse.
***
She didnt sleep at all that night. Eventually, she went into the kitchen and sat by the window. Rain trickled down the glass outside.
She sat there just watching the drops creeping down, thinking how much she was sick of everything. How she desperately wanted it all to just stop. For everyone to leave her alone. For silence.
She didnt even realise shed nodded off sitting there.
It was the cold that woke her, around four in the morning.
The flat was utterly still. Tom snored in their room, Barbara slept in hers, and little Charlie was peaceful too.
She got up to go to the loo, and on her way back passed by Charlies room. The door was ajar. She stuck her head in, just to make sure he hadnt kicked off his blanket.
Charlie was asleep, curled tightly around a pillow. On his bedside table was an open exercise book, the standard squared one for school, but the cover was all covered in tanks.
Sarah was about to leave, but then saw a page headed “Mum.”
She picked up the book, sat down at the edge of his bed, and started to read.
It was a diary.
The first entry was from September.
Today Mum shouted again. Dad said shes just tired. I wanted to give her a cuddle but she pushed me away. Maybe its because Im not a good boy.
Sarah swallowed and turned the page.
October. Its Grans birthday today. I drew a cardmade it all lovely with flowers. Was going to give it to her this morning. But Mum was shouting at Dad again, so I didnt. I left it under my pillow. Maybe Ill give it to her tomorrow when Mums out.
Next.
November. I broke the toy car Dad gave me. On purpose. I thought maybe if I broke something of mine she wouldnt have to shout. But she did. She said I dont appreciate anything. And that Im stupid.
Sarahs hands started to shake.
December. Christmas soon. I wrote to Father Christmas. I asked if he could make it so Mum would stop shouting. Shame you cant give that as a present.
January. At school, we had to write what we want to be when we grow up. I said I want to be invisible. That way Mum wont see me and wont shout. My teacher thought it was odd and rang Dad. Dad came to school, talked to me. He said Mums actually lovely, just having a tough time. I know. I remember how she used to be. She used to hug me and laugh. Now she never laughs. Not ever.
Sarah was frozen, tears splashing down onto the page, making the ink run.
February. Today I dropped juice all over the sofa. Mum shouted for ages.
When she shouts, it feels like Im dying, bit by bit. First my ears, then my heart, then my soul. I lay down and shut my eyes. I wonderedif I died in my sleep, would she cry? Or just say, oh good, one less problem?
Sarah dropped the book. Her whole body shook, but she didnt make a sound. She was terrified of waking Charlie up. Terrified hed see her like this. Terrified of everything.
She sat there for a long time, maybe twenty minutes, maybe an hour. At last, she picked up the diary, put it back carefully, and left the room.
She went back to bed, lying next to Tom, staring at the ceiling till morning finally came.
***
Charlie was the first up.
He opened his eyes, stretched, and sat up. Saw his bedroom door was open, and remembered everything from yesterday. He sighed.
He crept into the hall. Silence. Weird. Normally by now, Mum would be clattering around crossly, moaning that everyone else is hopeless and lazy.
He peeked into the kitchen.
Mum was sitting at the table. Not shouting, not rushing. Just sitting, staring out the window. There was a mug of tea in front of her, long since gone cold.
Mum? Charlie ventured cautiously.
She turned round. Her face looked differentnot angry or drained, just different. Charlie couldnt quite work out what it was.
Good morning, Sarah said quietly. Come and have some breakfast.
He sat down at the table. She placed a steaming bowl of porridge in front of him and sat opposite.
Charlie ate, sneaking glances at his mum. Waiting for the daily drama to start. But it didnt.
Mum, he asked at last, Whats up?
Nothing.
Why are you so quiet?
Im just thinking.
About what?
Sarah looked at him for a long time. Then reached out and ruffled his hair. Just because.
About you, she said. About us.
Charlie paused, spoon halfway to his mouth.
Mum, are you ill?
No, love. I think Im finally getting better.
He didnt quite get it, but he nodded. As long as she wasnt yelling, thats all that mattered.
Finish your porridge, she said gently. Weve got school to get to.
Charlie finished, got up, and went to get ready. At the front door, he hesitated.
Mum, he muttered, Tonight will you um you wont shout at me again, will you?
Sarah crouched down to his level.
Listen, sweetheart, she said firmly. I cant promise Ill always be perfect. But Im really, really going to try not to shout. So that youll never have to be scared again. Do you understand?
Charlie nodded.
And if I slip up? he whispered.
If I slip up, you just tell me: Doing it again, Mum? And Ill remember.
Remember what?
Everything, she kissed his forehead. Now off you go.
Charlie trotted out.
Sarah stood in the hallway, listening to the front door and then the lift as it creaked away. After that, only silence.
Tom appeared from the bedroom, yawning, hair stuck up in all directions.
Youre up early, he mumbled.
Couldnt sleep, she answered.
He looked at herproperly looked.
Everything alright?
Yeah, Sarah replied. Go get some breakfast.
He shuffled off to the kitchen. Sarah followed.
They sat down. Tom poured tea
Tom, Sarah said suddenly, Why do you love me?
He choked on his tea.
Sorry?
Why do you love me? I mean Ive been a real monster.
Tom put his mug down and gave her a searching look.
Youre not a monster, he said. Youve just forgotten who you are.
And who am I?
Loads of things, Tom managed a half-grin. I remember. You can be warm, and funny, and caring. Your hugs are so tight Im scared youll break my ribs. I remember all that, Sarah. Maybe you just forgot it for a bit
Sarah didnt say anything.
I really hope you find your way back to that, you know, Tom added. And Ill wait as long as it takes.
Sarah squeezed his hand.
***
That day, for the first time in ages, she didnt shout at anyone.
Charlie came home from school, dropped his backpack, and rushed overjust to hug her. No reason.
Mum, guess what? I got top marks today!
Well done, Sarah beamed. Im proud of you!
He froze, staring at her like shed just grown another head.
Really?
Really.
Charlie grinned, bigger than shed seen for ages.
Mum, you know whatI was thinking at school today, maybe youd hug me when I got back. And you did.
Silly, Sarah said, hugging him again. Now Ill hug you every single day!
***
That night, Sarah went into his room. Charlie was already fast asleep. His workbook was on the table again.
She picked it up, turned to the last page, took a pen, and underneath his handwriting, she wrote:
Charlie, I love you so much. Im really sorry. Im going to try my absolute best.
Mum xShe set the pen down, closed the book, and pressed her palm gently against the cover, as though sealing a promise.
For a while she stayed there, just listening to Charlies even breathing. The ache in her chest loosened a little. She realized she wasnt scared anymorenot of being a bad mother, not of being seen, not even of silence. Something softer filled the space instead.
She brushed a strand of hair from Charlies forehead.
I remember too, she whispered.
The hallway clock chimed. Sarah turned, shutting the door softly behind her.
In the kitchen, Barbara stood washing up, hands sudsy and red. Sarah slipped beside her, took a towel, and started drying the plates.
Barbara blinked, surprised.
Ive been hard on you, Sarah said. And you didnt deserve it.
Barbara hesitated only a second, then smiledsmall, but realand patted Sarahs hand.
Happens to all of us, love, she replied quietly. But days change. They always do.
Later, as the household settled for the night, Sarah climbed into bed beside Tom and tucked her cold feet under his legs. He grumbled, but didnt move them away.
Sarah looked at the ceiling, then at her husbands kind, tired face.
Tomorrow, she said softly, will be a better day.
Tom squeezed her hand in the dark. For the first time in months, Sarah believed it.
And in the room next door, Charlie dreamed of sunlight and laughter and hugs that lasted, just a bit longer, every single day.
