My mother-in-law arrived to inspect my fridge and was rather shocked by the new locks
What on earth is going on here? My key doesnt work! Have you barricaded yourselves inside? Emma! Ben! I know someones homethe meters running! Open up at once, my bags are heavy and my arms are falling off!
Margarets voice, loud and insistent as a school bell, echoed through the stairwell, bouncing off freshly painted walls and seeping even through neighbours double doors. She stood outside my sons flat, frantically yanking the handle and trying with all her might to force her old key into the shiny new chrome lock. Beside her, two large tartan bags sat on the concrete floor, with bunches of limp parsley and the neck of a jar of milky-white something poking out.
I was trudging up to the third floor and slowed as I heard her. I stopped on the step below, pressing myself against the wall, heart thumping. Every visit from my mother-in-law was an ordeal, but today was different. Today was the Day. The day Id finally had enough after five years, and my plan to defend my little fortress snapped into place.
Steeling myself, I adjusted my handbag strap and plastered a calm, polite smile on my face before continuing up.
Evening, Margaret, I said as I reached the landing. No need to shout like that, or the neighbours will call the police. And best not to break the doorit cost money.
Margaret spun round. Her tightly curled perm framed a face burning with righteous indignation, while her small eyes flashed with anger.
Oh, there you are! she exclaimed, both hands on her hips. Look at you! Ive been standing here for ages, calling and knocking! Why wont my key work? Have you changed the locks?
We have, I replied evenly, pulling out my own set of keys. Yesterday, actually. The locksmith popped by.
And you didnt even tell me? Me, your husbands mother? Ive come to bring you food, I do everything for you, and you slam the door in my face? Hand over the new key, now! I need to put the meat in the freezer or itll leak everywhere!
I approached the door but didnt rush to open it, blocking her entry and looking her straight in the eye. Before, Id have scrambled to find a spare key just to avoid her wrath, but what happened two days ago stripped me of any desire to play the good girl.
There isnt a key for you, Margaret, I said firmly. And there wont be one.
A ringing silence followed. Margaret glared at me, as if Id suddenly started speaking Mandarin or grown a second head.
What…what are you talking about? she hissed, lowering her voice to an angry whisper. Lost your marbles at work? Im your husbands mother! Ill be grandmother to your future children! This is my sons flat!
Its a flat Ben and I bought with a mortgage we both pay forand dont forget, my old nans house sale went towards the deposit, I parried. But its not about square footage. The point is, Margaret, you have crossed every line.
Margaret threw up her hands, nearly toppling a jar in the bag.
Lines? I come with my heart in the right place! I help you! You young people know nothingliving on chemicals, throwing money away! I came to do an inspection and tidy up, and you talk of lines?
Exactly, an inspection, I felt a cold fury start to build. Shall we recall what happened the other day? Ben and I were at work. You came in with your key. And what did you do?
I sorted out your fridge! Margaret declared with pride. It was a tip! Mouldy jars, smelly foreign cheeseugh! I chucked it all, scrubbed the shelves, stocked proper foodmade a big pot of stew and loads of burgers.
You binned the blue cheese that cost me sixty quid, I said, ticking off on my fingers. You poured my homemade pesto down the loo because it was green sludge. You threw out a pack of prime ribeye steaks, deciding the meat was going off. And worst of all, you moved all my creams from the fridge door to the hot bathroom, ruining them. Margaret, the damage is at least three hundred pounds. But its not about the money. You go through my things.
I was saving you from food poisoning! Margaret screeched. That cheese is poison! And the meatmeat should be red, not marbled with fat! Thats just cholesterol! I brought you chicken breastshealthy, and a lovely soup!
The soup you make from old bones gnawed last week? I shot back.
Thats stock! Margaret was scandalised. You, Emilysorry, Emmaare getting spoilt. Back in the nineties, we were grateful for a bit of bone. And look at your fridge nowchaos! Yoghurts, some green bits … Wheres the real food? Wheres the dripping? Wheres the jam? I brought you pickled onions and sauerkraut. Eat, get healthy!
I looked at her bulging bags. The pickled onions wobbled disturbingly in cloudy brine, and the sour cabbages smell seeped through the plastic.
We dont eat that much salty stuff, Bens kidneys cant take it, I said wearily. Margaret, Ive asked you time and again: dont drop by unannounced. Dont touch my things. Dont do inspections. You dont listen. You act like, since you have a key, our flats an extension of your larder. Thats why we changed the locks.
How dare you! Margaret stepped forward, using her impressive frame to try and edge me from the door. Im calling Ben! Hell sort you! Hell let his mother in!
Go ahead, I shrugged. Hell be home soon.
Margaret, huffing and muttering curses, pulled her clunky mobile from the depths of her coat pocket. Fumbling, she glared at me as she jabbed the buttons.
Ben! Son! Can you believe what your wife is doing? She wont let me in! Changed the locks! Im stood here like a beggar on the stair, arms numb, hearts racingshes trying to kill me! Get over here now and deal with this rude woman!
She listened; her face changed from triumphant to puzzled.
What do you mean, you know? You knew about the locks? Ben! You allowed this? Are you henpecked now? Leaving your own mother on the landing? What? Tired? Of whatmy care? I gave you my life!
She hung up and shot me a look of pure loathing.
So youre both in on it… Well, lets see. When he shows up, Ill look him in the eye. He wont dare turn his own mother away.
I turned the key in the lock, swung the door open a crack. Im going in, Margaret. Youll have to wait for Ben here. Youre not coming in.
Well see about that! she barked, attempting to wedge her foot in like an old double glazing salesman.
But I was ready. Sliding through, I slammed the heavy steel door shut in her face. The locks snapped into placeone, then another, then the bolt for good measure.
Resting my back against the cool metal, I closed my eyes. Outside, Margaret raged, thumping the panels, kicking the threshold, and shrieking so the whole street could hear.
Ungrateful! Snake in the grass! Ill call Social Services! Starving my son, you are! Constable will hear of this! Open up, Im telling you! My cabbage will go off!
I wandered to the kitchen, trying to block out the racket. The fridge gleamed, almost unsettling in its emptiness after Margarets recent raid. I opened the door. A lone saucepan of her stew sat accusingly on the shelfits stench of sour cabbage and old grease hit me. Without thinking, I dumped it down the loo and flushed twice. The pan went straight onto the balconyI hadnt the stomach to scrub it.
Hands shaking a little, I poured myself some water. Id put up with Margarets antics for years. The early-morning Saturday visits, just to dust the tops of the wardrobes. Her insistence on re-washing my laundry with her cheap powder that gave me hivesyour stuff doesnt clean properly. The endless advice on keeping a husband happy. Id endured it all.
But the fridge was the final straw. That was my domain, my last sanctuary. Seeing my carefully chosen groceries binned and replaced by tubs of cloudy brine and pots of stodge that left Ben with heartburnI realised: this was the line. I had to defend it, or wed end up divorced. I couldnt live in Margarets outpost any longer.
Eventually, Margarets tirade faded. Either she was exhausted, or saving energy for a showdown with Ben.
Twenty minutes later I heard Bens key in the lock. I tensed. He came in, looking battered. His tie was askew and he had bags under his eyes.
Margaret hovered behind him, still steely-eyed.
You see, Ben? she croaked, trying to muscle her way in behind him. Your wifes locked me out. Help me carry the bagsfresh burgers, I made them myself…
Ben stopped in the hallway, blocking her path. He put his bag down and turned to her.
Mum, leave the bags on the doormat. Youre not coming in.
Margaret froze, mouth open. The cabbage slipped from her hand and thudded to the floor.
What? she whispered. Ben, youre turning your mother away? Because of her?
Mum, stop having a go at Emma, Bens voice was calm but steady. Last night, as I sobbed over the ruined food, wed finally talked it all outand he saw what Id been trying to explain for years. Up to now hed thought, Well, thats just Mum, she means well. But yesterday, when he saw the receipts for the binned food, he realised she wasnt just meaning wellshe was wrecking our life, our budget, and his wifes nerves.
Im not turning you away, he went on. Im asking you to leave. We agreedcall before coming round. You didnt. You used your key to come in uninvited and take over. You threw out our food. Mum, thats not help. Thats interferenceand theft, frankly.
Theft? she shrieked. I was protecting you! You both eat rubbish! I care!
We dont need care that makes us miserable, Ben cut her off. I wont eat your soup; it makes my stomach hurt. Your burgers are all bread and onion. Were adults. We make our own choices.
Oh, really Margaret narrowed her eyes. So you dont need your mother now? Forgotten who rocked you to sleep, paid your tuition?
Dont, Mum. Thats manipulation. The key was for emergenciesflood, fire. Not for fridge inspections. You broke the deal. So the locks are changed. Youre not getting another key.
Oh keep your damn key! she bellowed so loudly the neighbours dog started up. You wont see me here again! Ill wash my hands of you! Get on with your filth and mould! When you get ill, dont come crawling to me!
She grabbed her bags. One split, and a handful of shrivelled carrots rolled across the landing.
There! All for you lot! She kicked a carrot. See if I care!
She spat on the doormat, turned, and stomped downstairs. Her curses echoed down the stairwell until the main door slammed.
Ben closed the door, locked it. He looked at me.
How are you feeling? he asked, sinking onto the pouffe.
I went to him and hugged him. He smelled of office must and stress.
Alive, I said. Thank you. I thought youd back down.
I nearly did, he admitted. But when I saw her faceI knew if I didnt say no, wed split. And I wont lose you over sauerkraut.
I laughednervous, but freed.
By the way, theres carrot all over the hall. We should clear it before neighbours think weve mugged a greengrocer.
Ill tidy up, Ben said. You go and rest. Youre the hero today.
That evening, we sat in the kitchen. The fridge was bare, but instead of feeling bleak, it was liberating. It meant we could fill it with what we loved. We ordered a giant pizzanaughty, greasy, oozing cheesethe very sort Margaret called a death sentence.
You know, Ben said, chewing, she really wont come back now. Shes proud. Shell sulk for weeks.
Shell last a month, I predicted. Then shell ring endlessly to tell us about her blood pressure.
She can call. But shes not getting a key.
Never, I said firmly.
The doorbell rang. We both flinchedwas she back already?
Ben peered through the spyhole.
Who is it?
Grocery delivery! came the cheerful call.
I exhaled; Id forgotten that earlier, while Ben bagged up carrots, Id placed an online supermarket order.
Ten minutes later we were unpacking: crisp lettuce, cherry tomatoes, salmon fillets, plain yoghurtsand a new block of blue cheese.
Putting things away in the fridge, I felt an indescribable pleasure. This was my fridge. My space, my rules.
Ben, I called.
Yeah?
Shall we fit a second lockjust to be sure? I suggested.
He grinned and put his arm round my shoulders.
Lets. And a video peephole for good measure.
We stood in the glow of the open fridge, feeling like the happiest people in the world. Sometimes, happiness isnt just about feeling understood. Sometimes its about making your own space, safe from everyone elses rulesand on rare occasion, that means changing more than a lock. It means rewiring the whole relationship, even if its painful at first. But then comes peace. Blessed, beautiful peace, where you can finally just live.
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