Mother-in-law
Agatha Mary was a formidable woman, to say the least. Her walk was more a march; her glance, not just a look but a piercing gaze; her speech, packed with pronouncements rather than mere words. Put her atop a plinth and shed resemble a statue more than your average woman.
Agatha owned a successful food distribution business and had two stints in jail for disorderly conduct, plus another for involuntary manslaughter. She managed to give birth to three daughters in the intervals between time served. As such, she acquired three sons-in-law along the way.
At each wedding, every son-in-law got the same stern reading of his rights and duties, along with a detailed list of consequences should they stray from the straight and narrow. Agatha never fussed over trivial matterspreserving her nerves was a priority. Her daughters were strictly forbidden from bothering her with small issues; they had to learn to sort themselves out. Only in cases of something or someone going seriously missingor needing help concealing a corpsewere they permitted to call her.
The sons-in-law appreciated her policy of non-intervention and never crossed her; tangling with Agatha was never wise. After all, crime of passion might as well have been tattooed across her brow.
The youngest son-in-law, Jack Carter, barely interacted with Agatha and thus felt no fear toward her. He lived with his family in a nearby town and fancied himself independent and freeuntil the Saturday when he agreed to join his boss at the local leisure centre with three other colleagues.
Jack informed his wife that hed be stuck at work late, something urgent to finish. His more seasoned coworkers were wiser; one packed up fishing rods and a tent, telling his wife he was off with mates for a fishing trip, and even ordered a bucket of live fish. Two others brought laptops under the pretense of participating in an all-night tank battle. The boss, on the other hand, didnt hide the trip to the leisure centre from his wife.
By midnight, drinking and sweating in the sauna grew dull. They collectively pooled their money for some female company, but funds only stretched to two, and the women who arrived were so unappealing that the boss wanted to exchange them for someone better looking; the group, however, opted instead for more vodka.
Nearing midnight, Agathas youngest daughter, rattled and anxious, finally rang her mother.
Quick and to the point, love, Im unloading a lorry, Agatha barked.
Mum, Jack hasnt come home from workhis mobiles off, cant reach his coworkers, not even the boss. Something has happened to him, Mum!
Bloody hell, you silly goatdont fret, darling, Ill handle it!
Agatha issued orders to her warehouse staff, jumped in her car and sped toward the neighbouring town, making several phone calls en route.
Within half an hour, shed figured out the exact leisure centre and company her son-in-law was with. An hour later, she arrived near town, and fifteen minutes after, stormed into the sauna, accompanied by a terrified staff member, just as the party had started to flag. The effect was immediateJack received quite the alibi: a collection of impressive bruises and a broken tooth.
The boss tried to seize control of the situation. What the devil do you think youre doing, madam?! Who are you, anyway?! Im calling the police!
Alas, he had no clue about Agatha Marys reputation! She stopped kicking Jack, grabbed a knife with one hand, and with the other, seized the boss by the throat.
You just try it, you sod! Ill cut your tongue out! Im this scoundrels mother-in-law!
Pipe down, you lot! she snapped at the startled women. Twirling the knife deftly, she moved toward Jack.
So, you little fool, something troubling your shorts?
Mum! Jack begged, scooting into the corner, You wouldnt!
And whats to stop me?
I never cheated on your daughter! Ask anyone here!
Agatha eyed the women.
No one cheated! croaked the boss, massaging his neck.
I can see for myselftheyre a right pair! Why did you bother with these?
She poured vodka into a glass and handed it to Jack.
Drink. Anaesthetic.
Jack, shaking, clinked his remaining teeth against the glass and gulped it down.
Whats this mess about? Out with it!
We just wanted a bit of fun, said the boss, but its been dull as dishwater. And the women were a disaster.
Settling at the table, Agatha carved off a large wedge of sausage.
You lot lack imagination completely, boys, she said, chewing. Whats this?she nodded to the fishing rodsYou got those from a love shop?
Thats my alibi, piped up the fisherman.
And this?she kicked the bucket of live fish.
Yes.
You planned ahead, then. What would you useless lot do without me? But consider yourselves lucky!
She upended the bucket into the pool; fish scattered everywhere.
Here, Agatha handed a rod to the fisherman and another to one of the tank battlers. Youll fish. Oi, ladies! Get in the water, and earn your fee!
The women scrambled to the pool.
Rules are simple: lads fish with rods, girls catch with bare hands. Whoever catches one gets to leave unharmed.
She jabbed a finger at the other tank battler. Record the results. The boss and I will wager. Im backing the one in the yellow swimsuit to catch first.
No chance! the boss chimed in. My moneys on Davehes a keen angler.
You, yellow! Youll have a daily bonus if youre first.
Why does she get that? the other woman protested.
Youll get a bonus if you catch more than yellow.
Half an hour later, the staff timidly peeked inside. The place was alive with noise, shouting, and laughter. The women hunted fish with bare hands, Dave fished with bread, the tank battler tried to catch a woman, while Jack and the other tank battler dragged a towel like a net. The boss was at the pools edge, directing the hunt with fervour.
Agatha texted her daughter: Strangers attacked your husband as he walked homehes battered, but alive and giving evidence to the police. Ill bring him home when its all sorted. Love, Mum. Among English families, a daughters peace of mind is worth more than a broken tooth or a sleepless night in a sauna. Still, she deposited a generous sum to Jacks account for dental repairsnot his fault, but let this serve as a warning about future adventures.
In the end, I learned dealing with Agatha is best done with respect, caution, and honesty. Any attempt at deception is more trouble than its worthand nothing gets past her eagle-eyed gaze.
