Mother-in-law
Gertrude Heath was a woman of formidable stature. Not a walk but a march, not a look but a piercing gaze. Her words were more pronouncements than conversation. Place her atop a plinth and shed have been a monument not merely a woman.
She managed a wholesale grocery warehouse, had two stints in gaol for brawling and one more for manslaughter, and three daughters, each born between her incarcerations. And, naturally, three sons-in-law.
To each son-in-law, immediately post-nuptials, Gertrude solemnly recited their rights and responsibilities, spelling out the penalties for breaking them. It must be said Gertrude never meddled in petty squabbles, preferring to keep her nerves intact. Her daughters were strictly forbidden from bothering her with trivialities they were to learn to handle their own problems. Only in the case of something or someone truly missing, or perhaps the urgent need to hide a body, were they permitted to contact her.
The sons-in-law greatly valued her hands-off policy and wisely avoided provoking her. Any confrontation with Gertrude usually led to regret; after all, Murder in a fit of rage was practically emblazoned upon her brow.
However, her youngest son-in-law, Edward, never interacted closely with Gertrude. Living with his family in a neighbouring city, he fancied himself free and independent, utterly unafraid of his mother-in-law. That lasted until the day his boss invited him for Saturday evening recreationa trip to the sauna with three other colleagues.
Edward told his wife hed be working late, some unfinished business to tend to. The more seasoned fellows were cleverer; one brought a tent and fishing rods from home, claiming a fishing trip with friends, and ordered a bucket of fresh trout for his wife. The other two grabbed laptops, citing an overnight tank battle online. The boss, for his part, made no attempt to hide the sauna outing from his wife.
As midnight approached, drinking and steaming grew tiresome, so the gentlemen pooled their funds for ladies of the night. The pot stretched only to two, both so astonishingly unattractive the boss wished to trade them for a more appealing companion, but the group, lacking better options, decided instead to add more vodka.
Meanwhile, Gertrudes youngest daughter, increasingly anxious, finally picked up the phone.
Speak quickly and to the point Ive a lorry to unload, Gertrude barked.
Mum, Edwards not home from work, his phones off, works phone too, I cant reach his colleagues or boss. Something must have happened, Mum!
Well, for heavens sake, dont fret, love Ill sort it out!
Gertrude issued orders to the warehouse workers, started her car, and set off towards the neighbouring city, placing a few calls as she went. Within half an hour, she knew precisely where her son-in-law was and with whom; in an hour, she pulled up at the city; another fifteen minutes, and, accompanied by a terrified attendant, she burst in upon the now-restive group. Her arrival brought the place to life, and Edward earned himself an ironclad alibi in the form of extensive bruising and a broken tooth.
The boss attempted to seize control of the situation:
What do you think youre playing at, lady?! Who are you, anyway?! Im calling the police!
But he had no inkling of Gertrude! She paused kicking Edward, seized a knife from the table with one hand and grabbed the bosss throat with the other.
Try it, you wretch, and Ill cut your tongue out! Im this mongrels mother-in-law!
Quiet, you wet blankets! she snapped at the prostitutes shrieking at the sight of the knife, then, twirling the blade, approached Edward.
So, whats your problem, you useless suffix, something itching in your trousers?
Mum! Edward pleaded, crawling into a corner, You wouldnt!
And whats to stop me?
I didnt cheat on your daughter! Ask anyone here!
Gertrude eyed the prostitutes.
No one did, croaked the boss, rubbing his throat.
I can see for myself, dreadful lasses! Whyd you hire such dregs?
She poured vodka into a glass and offered it to Edward: Drink. For the pain.
Edward, teeth rattling against the glass, swallowed it down.
Whats this mess then? Own up!
Just wanted a bit of fun, admitted the boss. But frankly, it was a flop. The ladies were a disappointment.
Gertrude settled herself at the table, slicing off a thick chunk of sausage: No imagination at all, boys, she remarked, chewing purposefully. Whats this? she nodded at the fishing rods. From a saucy shop?
Thats my alibi, replied the fisherman.
And this? She kicked the bucket of living fish with her boot.
That too.
Well, youve thought it through. Where would you lot be without me? But fortune smiles today!
She upended the fish into the pool, and they darted away.
Here, Gertrude handed a rod to the fisherman and another to the tank commander, Youll fish for trout. Oi, you wet blanketsinto the water! Time to earn your pay!
The prostitutes scrambled into the pool.
Here are the rules: the men fish with rods, the girls with their hands. Whoever catches a fish gets to leave unscathed.
She pointed at another tankerYou, record the results. The boss and I are placing bets. I wager the one in the yellow costume catches first.
Nonsense! cried the boss. My money’s on Michaelhes a seasoned angler.
Hey, yellow! shouted Gertrude, Catch first and youll get a daily bonus on your way out.
And what about me? protested the second woman.
Youll get a bonus if you catch more than yellow.
Half an hour later, the attendant peeked warily through the door. A raucous uproar met him: shouting, laughtergirls were chasing trout barehanded, Michael fished with bread, the tank commander chased the prostitute, Edward and the other tank commander were stretched out with a large towel as a sieve, trying to snag something. The boss stood at the pools edge, directing the action with gusto.
Gertrude sent her daughter a word that Edward had been attacked by unknowns on his way home, beaten but alive, and presently giving evidence to the constabulary. As soon as matters wound up, shed bring Edward home. She closed with Love, Mum. Yes, her own daughters peace of mind was dearer than a broken tooth or her sleepless night in a sauna. Still, she transferred a tidy sum to Edward for his dental repairnot his fault, but next time, hed think twice before gallivanting.
