“Claire, do you really have to come with me everywhere, just because were married?” grumbled Edward, admiring his reflection in the hallway mirror. Claire, however, wasnt listening; she was too busy preparing for a visit to their friends cottagepacking as if for an expedition across Antarctica, as any sensible hostess might do. Only, today turned out differently from what she had in mind.
In the hallway, Claire caught Edward preening himself in a white linen shirt and cocked an eyebrow in surprise.
“Ed, why are you dressed up like that? Im not scrubbing barbecue sauce out of that, so dont even ask,” she warned, shaking her head. “Grab those bags of food, will you? I need to change dresses, then we can go.”
Edward eyed the two hefty shopping bags with suspicion as Claire held them out.
“What is all this?” he asked, accepting them reluctantly.
“You alright? Its just the usual. Annie, bless her, is hopeless in the kitchen; you know it. I brought everything. New potatoes, salads, chicken pieIf Jack wants to chow down Annies cooking, thats his funeral. Im not spending the night in A&E over his dodgy stew. Sorry to remind you.”
Edward only scowled harder.
“Claire, juststay in today. Make something light for a change. Even bettergo for a jog. Sitting at that laptop all days giving you a soft middle. Im just popping over to Robs for five minutes and then back, promise.”
“Wait youre going without me?” Claire replied, incredulous, as her husband clicked his tongue theatrically.
“I wasnt going to mention ityoure always working, we barely chat anymore. Anyway, Jack and Annie split up. Jack wanted something new, you know? Has himself a new fancy lady now. Didnt even want to go myself but he needs my legendary barbecue skills. No one does it like me.”
Edward beamed, nudging the food bags aside with finality.
Claire was thrown by the newsshed always got on with Annie, though lately her old flat had demanded more attention. Tenants had left her flat a tip and scarpered without a word, so she was considering selling the place.
Caught up with work and domestic chaos, Claire hadnt phoned Annie in weeks, and would never have guessed Jacks perfect marriage had unravelled.
“Well, thats a bombshell,” Claire muttered. “Let me guessJacks got himself some silicone-lipped floozy and thats why you dont want me there?”
“Come on, Claire, shes an ordinary woman. Like you, probably. Look, do us all a favourstay home, darling. You and Annie will have ages later to dissect her competition,” Edward grinned.
But something, perhaps solidarity or plain nosiness, emboldened Claire. She insisted on joining him.
****
Halfway to the cottage, Edward maintained a stoic silence, grumbling about traffic and incompetent drivers clogging up the M4. Claire texted the estate agent about her flat.
“Hows it going then? See youve no trouble coping without the old ball and chain,” Edward sniped, watching her phone out of the corner of his eye.
“The flat? Dont ask. One lot want to move in before the paperworks even started, another insists on new furniture,” Claire sighed.
“Money for a refurbs no issue,” Edward assured.
“I want a holiday by the sea. Maybe nows the year for it?”
“Pick one: a renovated flat, or a trip to the seaside? And what about my work schedule, eh?”
Claire mentioned her neighbour wanted to rent the flat for her daughter and son-in-law. Edward nearly drove off the road in outrage.
“Rent it to them? Dont be daft! Theyll never pay! Do the flat up, sell, and let me sort out what we do with the money,” Edward pontificated. “Quite frankly, I should have dealt with this. Youre too softfirst buyer will talk you down to peanuts, Claire.”
“Our flat?” she shot back.
“Ours. Were a team, remember?” Edward insisted, serenely.
They arrived late, but Jack Whitmorefull of beanswas waiting at the gate.
“There you two are! Thought youd moved abroad,” he joked.
As the men swapped hearty greetings, Claire slid out of the car and examined Jack. Honestly, youd think he was in a boyband: tight designer tee barely contained his beer belly, skinny jeans with enough deliberate rips to mortally offend Annies sensibilities.
“Claire, dont just stand therecmere!” Jack swept her into a friendly hug.
“Hey, Jack. Traffics a nightmare. Ive brought picnic bagsits all in the boot.”
“Forget the food! Youre a guest, not the help. My darlings already ordered everything from the posh place in town,” he declared, towing Claire inside. The lovingly prepared bags were abandoned to their fate in the car.
The summerhouse, usually bustling with laughter, was especially raucous today. As Claire approached, she heard peals of laughter, and spotted Jacks new love interesta pretty blonde, not alone, but with a friend. Having just come back from the pool, the girls were all beachy hair and tunic. They looked like they moonlit as Love Island extras.
Her worst suspicions confirmed: Jack had swapped Annie for a dolled-up, pouty twentysomething with talons for nails and an Everest of extensions. Claire, solidly mid-range in the glamour stakes, felt underdressed by honest comparison.
Edward and Claire slid onto a bench. Edward, apparently finding his inner waiter, flitted about serving Angela and Daisy, barely acknowledging his wifea note Claire didnt miss.
On the table: a couple of pizzas and some underwhelming fast food. Annie would faint if she saw her Jack being kept on stuffed crust and chips, Claire thought, biting her tongue.
“Lets introduce everyone. This is Claire, Eds missusshes a freelancer. Translation: unemployed,” Jack chuckled nastily, making Claire blush. “And this is the love of my life, my queen, Angela! And her mate Daisy.” Jack trilled.
For some reason, Edward didnt bother introducing himself. Claire noticed.
“Angelas a beautician,” Jack announced proudly.
Not a retail manager like Annie, thought Claire.
“Makeup too!” Angela said. “Let me know if you need a bit of magicmates rates for you, love.”
Claire suddenly felt like the frumpiest person in Surrey amongst these poolside sirens.
Ed, sleeves rolled and smile gleaming, manned the grill. Claire lingered awkwardly at the table.
“Lighten up, Claire. Have a chat. Daisys a hairdressermaybe she can fix up Eds tragic haircut,” Jack nudged good-naturedly.
“Babe, no need to slate Ed. Hes a lookerany hairdresser would love him. Daisys already offered to help,” Angela chirped defensively.
“Angela, lets get in the pool,” Daisy grinned, flashing a look Claires way. “Want to join the fun?”
Both ladies pinned Claire with expectant smiles. Claire rose stiffly.
“No, thank you. Jack, you couldve warned me. I wouldnt have come if Id known thered be new hostesses in town. Back in Annies day…”
“Claire, dont bring up that country bumpkin! Angela and Daisy arent being meanyoure being prickly,” Jack rattled.
“Not being mean? Angela hinted I need a makeoverand Daisys making eyes at my husband! FYI, Eds far too tight even to tip you. Our neighbour clips his hair for free, and he loves it!” Claire snapped, storming off to Edward.
Edward was practically drooling, watching the two swimsuit-clad friends sashay around the garden, but quickly twigged that Claires mood was swirling into a full-on storm.
“Ed, I want to go home,” Claire announced, striding up to him by the barbecue.
“Whats started this, Claire? Were having a fine time.”
“Not fine! It was fine with Annie. Now its just sad. Those pouting Barbies arent friends.”
“Claires tired, Edtake her home before she throws the barbecue tongs,” Jack called, scurrying toward the pool.
Edward hustled Claire aside, hissing, “Whats got into you? Youve gone feral since freelancing. Socialise, for heavens sake. Go homewalk the dog, visit your mum, do something useful! Ill order you a cab.”
Claires ears burned with anger. Angelas and Daisys giggles floated across from the pool. Whether they were laughing at her or not, Claire felt it was all aimed her way.
Edward wasnt finished: “Cant I just enjoy myself for once without your incessant whinging? Im sick of thisso dull, Claire! Youve turned into a miserable old nag!”
“So what, you prefer them young and giggly like Jack now, too?! When did you meet them?”
“Didnt mention it, didnt want to,” Edward snapped. “Yeah, I saw Angela and Daisy at that new cafe last week. Whats the big deal?”
“You know what, Ed? Dont bother coming home,” Claire spat, emptying the dregs of the barbecue marinade over his pristine white shirt.
Suitably marked (and more than a little sulky), Edward was left behind at the party as Claire marched to catch the only bus from the village. On the walk, fuming, she called Annie to spill the beans about Jacks new achievements.
“What?” Annie barked when she answered.
“Annie, its Claire”
“Dont ring me again! Or Edward! Hehe” Annie broke into tears.
Claire did her best to console her friend and get the story out: apparently Edward had introduced Jack to Angela, and Jack had run off with her, leaving Annie in the lurch.
Once the truth came out, Claire and Annie patched things up, kind of, but a bitter aftertaste lingered.
Claire realised she couldnt ignore the changes in Edward. His secrets, his new prioritiesenough was enough.
****
She took a taxi to her mums house on the edge of the city. Claires sons were staying with their gran for the summer, currently raising hell with the local kids.
Her mum, Barbara, was surprised to see Claire appear at that hour.
“Claire, love, whats happened? Everything alright?”
“Homes a circus. I need a proper break. The boys havent touched the seaside this summer.”
“But Eds at work. Hes got responsibilities. Youre the flexible one.”
“Why should I wait on him? If he can have a break without me, so can I.”
Barbara brewed some tea, as only mums do, and Claire poured her heart out about the barbecue debacle.
“He wants new excitement, Mum! Swans round town with girls while I hold the fort. Well, Im taking the boys on holiday, never mind the flat. We saved for renovations, but plans change.”
Barbara, mum-like, supported her decision but urged not to act rashly for the boys sake.
As they were finishing up, the boys barrelled in.
“Mum! Youre hereare we going home?”
“Sort ofthen were off to Aunt Lindas by the sea. Shes asked for ages,” Claire answered, hugging them tight.
Her mind was made up. If Ed wanted novelties, she deserved a fresh start too.
She texted her neighbour, confirming the flat could be let to her daughters family, and had the rent paid the next dayto Edwards certain annoyance.
****
After the Great British Barbecue Showdown, Edward bunked at his mums. He lingered there with self-pity and sausages, ignoring calls from Claire.
“Claire ruined a perfectly good party. Typical,” Edward muttered, scrubbing the marinade stains from his shirt.
After a few days sulking and his shirt looking beyond help, Edward crept home, only to find it empty. The fridge bare, the cupboards echoing, and Claire still not answering. Eventually their eldest, Oliver, picked up her phone.
“Hi, Dad. Mums not in.”
“Wheres she gone? With you and your brother? With Granny?”
“No, were at Aunt Lindas by the sea. Mums swimming. Dont know when were back. Shes got time off work. Gotta go!” came the cheerful reply.
Edward grunted his goodbye. Charming.
****
A week by the bracing English coast did wonders for Claire and the boys. They returned home tanned and content, while Edward brooded over his wifes heedless spending of family moneyignoring the fact it had been mostly Claires.
She barely acknowledged him, shuffling off to unpack. The boys seized the pastries hed nicked from his mums and vanished. Edward followed Claire, ready for a showdown.
“Got something to say for yourself?” he demanded.
“About what exactly?” Claire shrugged, not even looking up.
Edwards patience was shot. Claire never did things without consulting him. Going on holiday alone, draining the renovation kittyand shed even let the flat without his say-so!
“Claire, we saved for the flats renovation, not seaside frolics.”
“My flat, Ed. Remember, you contributed a measly five grand to my fifty-five. So lets not split hairs.”
“Dont you dare turn your back on me! Wheres that flat money gone?”
“I rented itneighbours daughter needed it. Done and dusted.”
For the first time in ages Claire met his gaze. Edward glowered, thinner and paler than a week ago.
“You shouldve sold it. Those funds had a purpose. I let you swan off to the beach, but this is too much!”
“Dont get worked up. Why should I drag you everywhere just because were married?” she shot back, echoing his earlier words.
And, just like that, Edwards ego took a king-sized kicking.
“Ive every right to a say! Well split the flat,” he huffed.
“Everything, yes. Apart from my flat, Ed. That’s mine from before. I’ll flog it after were divorced.”
“Divorce? Are you mad? Weve got the boys, Claire! Think about them!”
“Oh, you care about the kids now? Pity you dont think of them while wining and dining other women and monitoring my every move. Why not let Daisy cook for you? Im due a change, just like Jack,” Claire retorted, and wasted no time filing for divorce.
Living together in the same two-bed flat post-announcement, thoughentertaining as a root canal.
Claire dispatched the boys back to her mums, and stopped cooking for Edward. She even started a dietwhy not? Hes always suggested it.
Edward was forced to subsist on microwave meals and the sad canteen fare at work, which he found expensive for his thrifty taste.
At first he snubbed the marital bed and bivouacked on the balconybut after a cold snap and two days worth of rain, he scurried off to his mothers for comfort and crumpets.
He blamed Claire for everything, claiming to his mum that his wife was running wild at the seaside. Claire, meanwhile, found it genuinely funny watching his sour mug as he scrambled round the kitchen. She tried not to laugh outright, but every near-collision in the hallway left her with a smirk.
A week of instant noodles and lumpy camp beds drove Ed back to his mums for good, suitcases in tow.
****
A fortnight after the disastrous barbecue, Ed, feeling newly single and brave, called Daisy. Now unencumbered by wife or home-cooked meals, he imagined winning Daisy’s heart.
“Daisy, fancy another date? Things moved fast at Jacks, but how about I swing by yours? Still room for that haircut you promised?”
“Sorry, Ed,” Daisy purred. “Once was enough. I never offered more. Besides, doesnt your neighbour cut your hair for free?”
Slammed, as the youth say. And yes, Claire had a word or two about Ed with Daisythe sort thatd kill off even his most desperate hopes.
And so ended the Saga of the Surrey Cottage Showdown.
