Linda, have you completely lost your senses in your old age? Youve got grandchildren in secondary schoolwhat on earth do you need a wedding for? Thats what my sister said when she heard Im getting married.
But why delay? In a weeks time, Tony and I will sign the register, so I needed to let my sister know. Of course, she wont make it to the ceremony; we live at opposite ends of the country. And neither of us is keen on a grand do with speeches and cries of Kiss! at our age. Well just quietly tie the knot and enjoy a nice meal togetherjust the two of us.
We could easily have given the official bit a miss, but Tony insists. He really is a true gentleman: always opens the front door for me, offers his arm when were getting out of the car, helps me on with my coat. Living together without being married? Unthinkable for him. He said outright: Im not a lad anymore, Linda. I want something meaningful. And you know, I rather like thatTony feels like a young man to me, even with all his silver hair. At work, everyone addresses him formallyMr. Thompson. Hes so serious there, so proper. But when he sees me, its like hes forty years younger. Hell scoop me up and twirl me right there on the pavement. Im delighted, but honestly, embarrassed too. People are watching, Tony, I protest. Let them, he says, I only see you. Being with him, it really does feel as if the whole world has melted away, just me and him.
But I still have a sister I have to tell. I was scared, reallythought Susan might scold me, like so many others have. But deep down, I desperately wanted her blessing. So I plucked up the courage and rang her.
Oh, Linda, she said, her voice utterly disbelieving when she realised I was getting married, its only been a year since Victor passed, and youve already found someone to take his place! I knew I was dropping a bombshell, but I didnt expect her dismay to be all about my late husband.
Sue, I remember, I interrupted. But who makes the rules? Can you tell me exactly how long a widow has to wait before shes allowed to be happy again?
She thought for a bit. Well, at least five years, for decencys sake.
So I should tell Tony to call again in five years’ time while I keep on wearing black?
Susan said nothing.
And who does that help? I pressed on. Do you really think people will stop gossiping even after five years? Theyll still talk. But to be honest Sue, I couldnt care less about them. Its you who matters. And if you seriously object, Ill call the whole thing off.
She hesitated. Then, Im not going to get in your way, Linda, do what you wanteven if I dont understand or support you. I suppose I shouldnt be surprisedyouve always done things your way. Still, couldn’t you wait another year at least? Just out of respect?
But I stood my ground. You keep saying wait another year. What if Tony and I only have a year left, Sue? Should we just waste it?
I heard her sniffling.
Oh, do as you like, she finally said. I get it. Everyone wants to be happy, but you had such a good life with Victor…
I laughed then. Sue, really? You thought I was happy all those years? I guess even I believed itbut I see differently now. I was a workhorse, running myself ragged for everyone else. I had no idea life could be anything else.
Victor was a good man. We raised two daughters together, five grandchildren now between us. He was forever telling me that family was the most important thing. I never disagreedit just seemed obvious. First we worked ourselves to the bone for our own household, then for our daughters families, and later, for our grandchildren. Looking back, I realise life was an endless chase for some sort of comfort, no pause for breath. Once our eldest daughter married, we already had the cottage, but Victor wanted a bit of land to raise livestock for the grandchildren.
We rented an acre and chained ourselves to it for years. He got animals, which needed endless feeding. We never went to bed before midnight and were up by five. Most of the year was spent at the cottage, rarely coming to town except for errands. Sometimes Id ring my girlfriends, hear them brag about holidays at the seaside with their grandkids or nights at the theatre with their husbands. I didnt have time even to pop down to Tesco.
Wed run out of bread for days, literally tethered to the animals. The only thing that kept us going was knowing that the children and grandkids had enough. My eldest managed to trade up her car thanks to the farm, my youngest redid her flat. It felt worth it. On one visit, an old friend and former colleague dropped by and took one look at me
Linda, I barely recognised you! I thought youd be all bright and healthy after so much fresh air. But you look ready to drop. Why do you put yourself through it?
What else am I supposed to do? The children need our help.
Theyre grown-ups, Linda. They can help themselves. Why dont you do something for yourself for once?
Back then, I didnt get what she meant by living for myself. But nowI do. Now Im able to sleep in if I feel like it, go into town, see a film, go to the pool, go skiing in winter. No ones suffering for it, either! The children are fine, the grandchildren arent starving. The best part is, Ive learned to see ordinary things in a new light.
Once, raking up leaves in the cottage garden was just more rubbish to deal with. Now, shuffling through autumn leaves in the park fills me with a childish delight. Ive learned to love the rain now I get to watch it from a cosy café, instead of herding goats into shelter. I marvel at clouds, at how beautiful the sunsets are here, at how lovely it feels to walk across fresh snow. Ive discovered just how beautiful our town isand, Ive got Tony to thank for that.
When Victor died, it was as if the world had turned upside down. He collapsed with a heart attack, gone before the ambulance even arrived. The children sold the lothouse, land, animalsand brought me back to town. I drifted about in a daze. Woke up at five, out of habit, pacing the flat, my hands idle, heart empty.
Then Tony came into my life. Ill never forget our first walk togetherhe was my neighbour and happened to know my son-in-law, helped us move bits from the cottage. He told me later, at first he just felt sorry for me. Saw this broken, exhausted woman and thought I needed a push to wake up again. He took me for a walk in the park, we sat on a bench, bought ice cream, and then strolled to the pond to feed the ducks.
I used to keep ducks at the cottage for years, but never once just stood still to watch them. Turns out, theyre delightful. So funny, diving after breadcrumbs.
Its strange to just stand here and watch ducks, I admitted. Mine kept me so busycooking, cleaning them, mixing their feed. I never had a minute to just enjoy watching.
Tony smiled, squeezed my hand and said, Just wait, Ive got so much to show you. Youre going to feel brand new.
He was right. Bit by bit, like a little child, I started discovering the world. And I liked it so much, my old life began to seem a long, heavy dream. I dont even remember exactly when I realised I needed Tonyhis voice, his laughter, the gentle way he touches my arm. But one morning, I woke up and knew that this was real life nowand without it, I couldnt bear to go on.
My daughters were furious about Tonysaid I was betraying their fathers memory. It hurt, I cant pretend otherwise. I felt so guilty, as if Id done something shameful. Tonys children, on the other hand, were over the moontheir dad finally seemed happy. Only Susan was left to tell, and I put that off for as long as I could.
Whens the wedding, then? she asked, after our long talk.
This Friday.
Well, she said, her voice suddenly formal, I suppose all I can say is, good luck to the pair of you, in your golden years.
On Friday, Tony and I picked up a few bits for a nice meal, dressed to the nines, called a taxi and set off for the registry office. And outside, I was stopped in my tracksthere were my daughters with their husbands and children, Tonys family, and at the centre of it, my sister! Susan, beaming through tears, clutching a bouquet of white roses.
Sue! Did you really come all the way down for me? I could hardly believe my eyes.
Well, I had to see who I was handing you over to, didnt I? she laughed.
It turned out, over the last few days, everyone had been phoning one another, and theyd arranged for us to all sit down together at a nearby café.
Now Tony and I are about to mark our first wedding anniversary. Hes part of the family now. And honestlyit still feels unreal, all this happiness. Im so, so embarrassingly happy, I keep waiting for someone to pinch me.
