Love Yourself, and Everything Will Be Alright
The cold wind howled outside, rattling the windows and sending chills straight to my bones. It was a bleak evening both in weather and in my spirit, and I found myself once again alone in our sprawling countryside house. Everything a man could ask for was here, but what good was it all to Jane if she had only the echo of her own footsteps for company?
My wife Jane, though surrounded by all this comfort, never lacked for loneliness these days. I, Thomas, her husband, had left once again for some business, as I put it. She suspected very well what sort of business it was.
Our children had left ages ago. Our son, Jonathan, married and settled down in Cambridge with his young family. Our daughter, Emily, had long since made her life up north, near Newcastle. Having finished university there, she married a local lad; now they lived in harmony, doting on their little girl.
Jane spoke with Emily earlier today over the phone.
Mum, you sound bluewhats going on? Emilys voice was full of concern.
Its nothing, love, really. How are you all? Hows my little darling Eva?
Were great, Mum, busy as always! Harrys swamped at the surgeryyou know what its like for a doctor. He loves his work though, says its his calling. And Evas about to start nursery soon. Shes growing like a weed, keeps us smiling.
Jane was glad for her, wished them well with a weary voice.
But our daughter didnt let it go. I still dont like how you sound, Mum. And wheres Dad?
Oh, your father? Hes out in the garage, tinkering with the car. Its freezing herea proper snowstorm, Jane fibbed, not wanting to trouble our daughter.
For months, Jane had lived a life torn by worry and suspicion. She couldnt confide in anyone, and even if she couldwhat for? Some might pity her, some would just be happy for her misfortune. Last summer, Jane was working in the garden under the window. Lost in thought, she suddenly heard my voice, gentle and affectionate. Certain she wasnt home, I stood by the open window, not noticing her.
All right, darling. But I cant make it tonight, I miss you too I love you Dont be upset, Ill come by tomorrow. You know what Im like, a promise is a promise…
Whether I stepped away or hung up, Jane never heard anymore.
The shock hit her like a blow. Her Thomas, whom shed trusted without question, turned out like so many men. She remembered her sisters wordsher own heartbreak when her husband found someone else. Jane had never expected shed understand so well. In disbelief, she wondered if she should confront me or just weep quietly in some corner. She sat down behind the house and sobbed into her hands.
How could this happen to me? You, Thomas, in whom I had such faith, falling for the same temptations as other men. Maybe that wayward spirit in men gets to us all eventually.
At forty-seven, I had everything a man could ask fora loving wife, children grown and gone, and a thriving flour mill on the edge of the village. We ran feed out to local farms and lived in a grand house far from want.
Jane kept her pain locked inside. After half a year, she quietly discovered who the other woman was. While I slept, she went through my phone, piecing things together with grim patience.
It turned out to be Claraa distant cousin of some friends of ours. Wed been to theirs for dinner more than once. Clara lived in the estate they call The Square, a cluster of post-war terraces in the village. Through friendly probing, Jane found the address.
Clara doesnt have the best reputation, our acquaintance Vera had said. Shes beautiful, not married, a bit wild. The men spoil her silly. Thirty-five, never married, no children. She told me herself she cant seem to settle, and doesnt want to raise a child alone. Vera said this, unaware Id been seeing Clara.
Jane kept quiet, though her tears came freely once she got home.
This is agony to carry around alone.
Time slipped by until, two months back, Jane could bear it no longer. She paid Clara a visit. Clara blanched when she opened the door; she recognised the wife. Jane entered without a word and sat on the settee, surveying the place. Clara stood frozen, perhaps expecting Jane to fly at her in a rage, as some women might do. But Jane, her voice strained and angry, spoke instead:
Dont you feel any shame, carrying on with another womans husband? Surely there are enough bachelors about. You wont find happiness on someone elses miserythats always been true.
Clara, quite unexpectedly, broke down in tears.
I dont know whats come over me, but I love Thomas. I cant cope without him.
Jane snapped, handing Clara a stinging slap, and Clara clutched her cheek.
Im sorry, Jane, really, I am, Clara sobbed out. Its like I was possessed…
Jane began to cry too. The two of them sat through their misery together. Once calmer, Jane warned:
Dont tell Thomas I was here. But if I find out youre still seeing himwell, dont say you werent warned. And with that, Jane left Claras flat.
Neither Clara nor Jane spoke a word to me about the visit. So life carried on, shadows and all. Jane didnt know for sure if the affair continued, though I sometimes had business that kept me away. She sat haunted by suspicion.
What am I to do? Hes everything to me. After all these years, were two halves of one whole. If it came to divorce, splitting everything upI just couldnt. Better to let things be as they are. She gazed out at the winter darkness.
Even if Thomas left me this big house, what would I do here, alone? And the place always needs workhes always fixing something or other. I cant bear the thought of poverty, not after all this. And the kids How could I tell them their fathers got someone new, someone younger? Janes heart ached for answers.
But she kept it to herself, knowing that confession would bring judgement. Others would say she should respect herself more, go for a divorce, learn to love herself instead of wallowing in self-pity.
Maybe theyre right, Jane admitted, but I love my husband. Maybe he still loves me too. Perhaps the fling will pass, hell come to his senses. He hasnt changedhe still speaks kindly to me, never raises his voice. Maybe its true, maybe loving myself is the answer. I must think of myself as well
Life became a heavier load for Jane from the moment she learned about Clara. Living as if all were normal became almost impossible. Clara, young and beautiful, haunted Janes thoughts. Strange as it sounded, she surprised herself: it was as if shed accepted Id been unfaithful.
I wonder now he says hes at work, but I suspect otherwise
Then, suddenly, a wild thought crossed her mind.
Maybe I should find someone too; I look after myself, get plenty of compliments She quickly dismissed it. No, could never do it. Cant imagine anyone else beside me. My Thomas is still the best, if only I could win him back. Id forgive him, hard as itd be. Mentheyre different, think differently about love Or maybe Im wrong, cant really know what goes on in their heads.
She smiled a weary smile at memories of their younger days.
Those were the happy times, richer in every way. Renting a single room, counting out the last few quid before payday, squeezing in a cheap ticket at the cinema rather than a proper meal. Life was simple and close then. Funny, now we have everythingand yet, Im lonelier than ever. I cant even bring myself to talk about it, not really.
After all those thoughts, I decided to surprise Jane.
Jane sat lost in thought as I returned home, headlights pooling in the drive, car wheels crunching on the gravel. I parked in the garage as the snow whirled around. As I walked inside, I called out:
Jane? Whyre you sat in the dark? I flicked the kitchen lights on, startling her out of her reverie.
Im here, she mumbled, just thinking, with all this dreadful weather…
Youre telling me! Roads were a nightmare, thought Id get stuck in a snow drift. Im starvinghow about some dinner? I tried for a light, familiar tone.
She bustled off as I washed up, and over supper, I caught her eye with a smile.
Listen, Jane, New Years coming up, and Ive decided its about time we did something special.
Jane tensed, wary of surprises lately.
What sort of special? she ventured, barely breathing.
I savoured the moment, knowing how her nerves were frayed. We havent had a getaway for ages. Wait here a sec. I stepped into the hall and came straight back, waving two tickets. Look! Ive bought us a holidayjust you and me, by the sea. Were off to Brighton for New Yearpalm trees and all! I grinned, hoping to bring her a taste of our old happiness.
Relief washed over Jane, as if a great weight had slid off her shoulders. She managed a bright laugh at last.
My goodness, Thomas, you never changealways with the surprises. Winter by the seasideI never thought of that! She genuinely smiled for the first time in ages.
Our Jonathan suggested it, but Id been thinking the samethought itd do us good to get away, just us. So, start packing
Bit by bit, things began to look up. We spent New Year in Brighton, enjoyed walks along the pier, and returned home with spirits lighter than theyd been in ages. Life pressed on, and I paid Jane more attention than ever, always making sure she knew where I was and never left her to worry alone.
What Ive learnt is this: sometimes, loving yourself isnt about grand gestures or walking away, but in finding the strength to weather the storm and the wisdom to forgivenot just your loved ones, but yourself too. Life is too short to live in the shadow of suspicion. I cherish every day now, knowing what we nearly lost to the secrets we kept inside.
