Love Yourself and Everything Will Be Alright
The wind howls through the trees outside, icy and bleak, and it matches the mood within me. I sit alone in this grand, old house, where I have everythingexcept company. I do have a husband, William, but once again hes left in the evening on business. I know well enough by now what business that is.
Our son and daughter have long since flown the nest. James is married and lives across town with his wife, while Emily is settled far up north, near Newcastle. She graduated from university there, married a local lad, and now theyre happily bringing up their own little girl.
I spoke with Emily on the phone today.
Mum, are you alright? she pressed, picking up on my mood. You sound downis something wrong?
No, darling, everythings fine. How are you? And my lovely granddaughter?
Were great, Mum. Peters absolutely buried in workyou know how it is for a surgeon at the hospital. He comes home exhausted, but he does love his job. Says he couldnt imagine doing anything else. Little Lucy will be starting nursery soon. Shes growing so fast, always making us smile.
Im so pleased for you, love, I said, but even to my own ears my tone sounded tired.
Mum, I dont like how youre sounding. Wheres Dad?
Dad? Oh, hes just popped out to the garage to warm up the car, the colds set right in and its snowing hard tonight, I lied, not wanting to upset her.
For over half a year now, Ive been living with this turmoil, this secret distress I can share with no one, not really. Some might pity me, but others would only gloat, and I have no interest in airing my pain. Last summer, everything changed. That day, I was out working in the garden under the window, pottering about with the flower beds. The window was open. Lost in thought, I suddenly heard Williams voice inside, gentle and affectionate. He knew I was out, thought no one could hear him.
Alright, sweetheartno, I cant come tonight. Course I miss you, tooI love you as well. Dont be upset. Ill come by tomorrow, you know meif Ive promised, Ill be there
William either hung up or left the room, but I heard nothing more. It was as if Id been hit over the head. My William, the man Id trusted completely, turned out to be no different than so many other men. I remembered my sisters words then, when shed complained about her own husband finding someone else. It had shocked and disgusted me at the timebut now I finally understood her.
Now I was in her shoes, lost and unsure whether to throw him out or just weep. I sat on a bench hidden from view and cried my heart out.
How could this happen to me? I sobbed. William, who I trusted so blindly, giving in to temptation after all these years. There must be something in men, some restlessness, that just wont let them be.
William is forty-seven. Hes been successful in life. Ive loved and cared for him, weve raised our two children well, and weve always lived comfortably. We settled in a large English village, where he runs his businessa flour mill and animal feed production, supplying the region.
For months, I carried my sorrow in secret. Gradually, I pieced together who the other woman was. I even crept into Williams phone while he slept. Her name was Tessaa rather distant relation of some friends of ours, as it turned out. Wed even visited her at her flat near the town centre, where the red-bricked estates stand in rows. Through casual chatter with friends, I even managed to discover her address.
Tessas reputation isnt exactly spotless, Vera, one of my friends, confided. Pretty, yes, but never married. Men have always spoiled her a bit too much, you know? Shes thirty-five now, never settled or had children. Says she doesnt want the bother unless she finds the right manshe longs for stability.
I said nothing to Vera, though inside I was burning up and ready to cry. I went home and finally let myself sob in private.
Oh, its so hard to bear this alone.
A bit more time passed, and then, two months ago, I steeled myself and went round to Tessas. I just couldnt take it anymore. When the door opened, Tessa turned pale when she saw me. She knew who I was. I stepped inside uninvited, made my way through to the lounge, and sat down.
Hello, I said tiredly, not waiting for her invitation, glancing round her small, neat flat.
Tessa stood awkwardly, looking frightenedno doubt bracing for a scene. I imagine most women wouldnt be able to hold themselves back in my position. After a moment, I spoke, my anger seeping through.
Arent you ashamed of sleeping with another womans husband? Surely you know how wrong that is. There are plenty of single mencant you find happiness without ruining someone else’s home? You know you wont build your own happiness on someone elses pain.
Tessa seemed to rally herself, and to my surprise, burst into tears.
I dont know what came over me, but I love William. I cant be without him.
That broke my composure, and I slapped her across the face. She clutched her cheek.
Im sorry, Mary, I swear. I lost my mind she sobbed.
That was it. I began to cry, too, and soon we were both in tears. When we finally quietened down, I told her, Dont tell William Ive been here. But if I discover youre still seeing him, dont say I didnt warn you. I left Tessas flat without another word.
Tessa kept our meeting secret, and I never let on to William, either. So we carried on as before. I dont even know if hes still seeing her; sometimes hes out late for work and I can guess where hes really gone. Now, as I sit here, these thoughts gnaw at me.
I dont know what to do. William is my whole worldafter so many years together, I cant imagine life without him. If we divorced, everything would have to be split, and I dont want that. I want to keep things as they are. I heaved a sigh, gazing out at the darkness.
Even if he left the house to me, what would I do here all by myself? It always needs repairs. Williams forever fixing somethinghammering here, painting there, patching a leak. I worry I couldnt manage aloneIm used to this life. And how could I tell our children their father has someone younger, someone else? It would devastate them.
So I keep it all in, knowing people would judgesay I should stand up for myself, get a divorce, love myself. Maybe theyre right, I thought. But I love him. Maybe this is only a phase, maybe hell come to his senses. Everything else between us is the samehes still kind, we dont argue. Maybe the saying is true: love yourself, and everything will be alright. I should think about my own needs as well
Its still difficult, living with this secret since I found out about Tessa. Its hard to talk to William, to act as though nothings changed. Tessa haunts my thoughtsyoung, beautiful. I even caught myself, oddly enough, accepting that William had been with another woman. Now, as hes out, supposedly on business, I cant help but wonder
A strange thought popped into my head: Maybe I should find someone else, too. I still look good for my agepeople often compliment me. But I quickly brushed the idea away. I couldntcouldnt even imagine another mans presence. William is the best, but how do I bring him back to our family? Id forgive his affair, as hard as it is. Men are just different, they dont see love quite the same wayor maybe Im wrong. Who can say?
I remembered our youthand smiled, though sadly. Back then, we were happy with little, renting a room, counting every pound and penny between pays. Instead of splurging on food, wed dash to the cinema, tickets in hand, thrilled to see a film together. It all seems so long ago, and yet just like yesterday. Time has flown. And now we want for nothing, but I feel lonelier than ever. I have no one I want to confide in about this.
Later that evening, as I sat lost in thought, I heard Williams car crunching up the drive, headlights flooding the garden as he pulled in and switched off the engine. He took his time in the garage, then finally came into the house.
Mary, where are you? Why are you sitting in the dark? he called, flicking on the kitchen light before I realised night had firmly set in.
Im here, I replied quietly. The weathers dreadful, and I was just thinking.
Tell me about itroads are snowed under. I barely made it home, kept worrying Id get stuck in a drift. Everythings covered in white out there. Im starvingfancy making me something? Williams tone was so casual, almost comforting.
I got up and started preparing food while he went to wash up. Over dinner, he looked at me and smiled.
Listen, love. Its nearly Christmas, and Ive got a surprise for us.
I immediately tensed upthese days I had little taste for surprises from him.
What sort of surprise? I managed, barely daring to breathe.
He paused, watching me, noticing my uneasiness.
Oh, Mary, its been ages since weve been away anywhere together. Wait here. He left the table, went out to the hallway, and soon returned. Look, I bought us two tickets for a holiday by the sea! Were flying to Cornwall for the New Yearjust the two of us, by the coast. Palm trees, even if its a bit chilly! He grinned at me, just like he always had.
A huge weight seemed to lift from my shoulders. I relaxed, still not entirely trusting him, but so relieved.
Oh, William, youre always full of surprises. Id go nowI dont mind at all! Imagine, New Year by the seanever thought of it! I laughed, happier than I had felt in months.
Yes, it was James who suggested it. But Ive been thinking toowe need a break, a change of scene. So get ready
And things did get better. We spent a wonderful week away in Cornwall, rang in the New Year together by the water, came home truly happy. Life goes on. I believe in my William. Ive noticed him giving me more attentioneager to come home, quick to call if hes delayed so I wont worry.
