I’m 45, and my mother is 70. What’s it like living with an aging parent?
One of my followers shared her story, filled with pain and confusion, and asked for advice. I decided to tell it to you, so you could share your thoughts. Perhaps some of you have also faced living under the same roof with elderly parents and can understand her despair.
“I’m 45 years old. I’m far from retirement, forced to work to support myself, and at the same time, take care of my 70-year-old mum. She’s not helpless by any means. She can take care of herself – bathing, going for a walk, cooking meals. Yet, every day by her side, I feel as if every drop of energy is being drained from me. This isn’t living; it’s a slow fading away.
After spending an evening with my mum, all I want to do is retreat to my room, turn on the TV, and disconnect from everything. But she gives me no peace. She loves to dwell on the past, dissecting my life in detail. ‘If you had listened to me and married Peter instead of that scoundrel, you’d have children, a career, a future! And now what? No one wants you, except me. Be grateful you have me, someone who cares for you. Treasure your mum!’ No, I don’t have children. My husband left me—or so it seems. As soon as we started living with my mum, within a month, he packed his things and left. Divorce was inevitable.
Mum believes it’s foolish to rent a flat when we have our three bedrooms in our old house near Manchester. And so here I am, at 45, living with her in this three-room fortress. We share the living room and kitchen, but each has her own room—my little island where I try to hide. But even there, her voice reaches me, like a shadow. She endlessly scolds me as if I’m still a child, not a grown woman:
— You came home too late!
— Bought unnecessary groceries, money down the drain again!
— You haven’t washed my clothes, haven’t changed the sheets!
— Didn’t feed the cat, so irresponsible!
In all these years, I’ve never heard a kind word, support, or praise from her. Only reproaches, only constant discontent, as if I am her biggest mistake. Oh, mum, why are you doing this to me? Why do you make my life an endless trial? And I can’t even leave. My salary is a pittance, barely enough for food, let alone rent and bills. Plus, guilt gnaws at me—what if something happens to her? What if I leave and she can’t manage alone?
But honestly, I’m at my breaking point. Mum is driving me insane. I know I shouldn’t speak this way about my mother, it’s wrong, it’s sinful. But I’m suffocating in this house, within these walls, under her gaze that sees only a failure in me. I feel my life slipping away, as I dissolve in her criticisms and demands. Each day is a struggle for a breath of air, which becomes scarcer. I want to scream, to run, but where to? How can I escape this trap when duty and fear hold me by the throat? I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I look at her and wonder: doesn’t she see how much it hurts me? Does she really not care?”
That’s her story—a cry from the heart, full of yearning and exhaustion. She is torn between love for her mother and a need to save herself. Living with an elderly parent is a test not everyone faces, but it has already broken her. How can she find a way out? How can she learn to breathe freely without betraying her mum and losing herself? I’m asking you to share your thoughts. Perhaps your experience or perspective can help her find a way out of this darkness. What would you do in her situation?
