A Life Deferred
Mum, could I have a sweet from the box? Just one! Please? Lucy pleaded, lingering around the cupboard where Helen had hidden the precious collection of sweets shed managed to obtain with such effort.
No! Those are for the table. Eat them now, and well have nothing left for Christmas.
Lucys face fell in frustration. What did it matter when she ate a sweet? She wasnt asking for all of them, just one! Why was Mum always like this? Anything tasty was saved for later, anything pretty was set aside for best. Lucy wished she could just have a sweet, put on her new dressbrought back from London by her fatherand pop round to visit Emily. For some reason, Emilys mum didnt mind her wearing new clothes to nursery. Lucy had overheard her mum say Emilys clothes were made at home, not bought in the shops. Well, so what? Emily was always the best-dressed in the group, and Lucy was stuck in her old polka-dot dress she was thoroughly sick of.
Back then, Lucy didnt realise how hard it was for her parents to get those sweets or nice things. Her mum worked at the local library, and her dad was an engineer. Since she was small, Lucy heard the phrase get hold of, meaning theyd managed to acquire something impossible to buy in the shops. Thats how Lucy got her lovely shoes, and her mum, a new pair of boots. Admittedly, after buying them, they had to live on pasta and potatoes for nearly a month, but her mum was so happy she didnt even wear the boots at firstshe just admired them. Those boots stuck in Lucys memory, and even as an adult she could recall every scuff and worn heel they picked up over time.
Things changed, gradually but completely. Suddenly, shops were filled with everything you could desire. No more scrounging for new clothes or treats. The problems became differentnow it was all about money. Lucy was in Year Nine when her dad burst in one evening from work, beaming with excitement.
I got the job!
She didnt know exactly what he meant, but her parents joyous reactions promised good things. And so it was. The company was a joint venture specialising in electronics, and her fathers skills were more valuable there than anywhere before. Lucy watched her previously distracted, sometimes grumpy dad come alive as he found his place and talent as an organiser. Soon, his career took off.
Life became easier. Her mum no longer spent evenings desperately budgeting for something new for Lucy. Soon she owned her first pair of jeans, trendy trainers and more. Lucy dropped her plan to enter a vocational college just to start earning, and aimed instead for university. Her parents backed her all the way. She buried herself in her studies for two years, skipping discos and friends, but passed her exams brilliantly and became a student. Now, perhaps, she could relaxbut Lucy decided otherwise. First, shed study and find a good job, then everything else could follow. This, too, worked out. She left with a first, found a solid job her fathers new contacts helped her secure. It looked as if her life had all fallen into place. Perhaps now she could think of herselfa family, maybe. But Lucy, again, went another way. Her career. Shed never again worry what to wear or where to live. And she succeeded. Her parents were proud. Clever and successful, she bought her own flat and car, and travelled abroad on holidays. But… still alone.
It didnt bother Lucy much. She wasnt one for sitting at home, and never lacked admirersthough she had no rush for serious relationships. What was the point? While she was young, she wanted to do everything. Children would mean all that would end.
Her first serious relationship only came at thirty-five. She and James had worked together for years in neighbouring offices, barely more than acquaintances. Lucy had no idea James was interestedhe was distinguished, attractive, intelligent, all qualities she most admired. Too shy to risk a direct confession to the Ice Queen, as her colleagues called Lucy, James didnt beat about the bush after Lucy, tipsy at a work do, laid her head on his shoulder during a slow dance.
Marry me. Were both successful, neither of us getting any younger. Its time for a family. Ive liked you for years. Actually, more than liked. Lucy, I love you!
Lucy laughed quietly. Jamie, dont be daft. Weve got plenty of timewhats the rush?
Yet the next morning, looking into Jamess eyes, she surprised even herself by saying, All right. I will.
The wedding was grand, Helen wept with happiness, never thinking shed see a grandchild, and then three years later, Lucy realised that all her achievements paled beside what shed receivedsomething shed kept putting off, only to find was most important of all.
He isnt there… Ive got no future, Mum… Lucy couldnt even cry, clutching the medical results. Why was I so foolish?
Love, wait. Its just one clinic. Medicine changes all the time. Things can still turn around.
When? Lucy flung the paperwork, scattering pages around the living room.
The house was much as it had been in childhood. Her parents refused to take money for renovations or furniture, though her father was now retired and in poor health, and her mum hardly left him alone. Lucy helped where she could, ignoring their protests, making sure the fridge filled with the same food as hers, and the old furniture looked new thanks to a thorough restoration. Vintage, then, it was. She did manage to get the place decorated, but that was a decade ago, and now, staring at a point on the wall, Lucy realised the wallpaper could do with replacing and the parquet might need sanding. Its odd what trivial thoughts arise when your carefully built life is crumbling.
Mumcant you see? Time is the one thing I dont have…
They sat together for hours, not noticing as dusk filled the room or that the phone endlessly rang. Lucy wept and calmed herself, but said nothing, unwilling to discuss it any further. At last, she lifted her head, barely making out her mothers face in the gloom.
Thank you, Mum.
For what, Lucy?
For listening. Theres no one else I can tell. And who else even wants me now?
Hush! Dont ever say that, Helen pulled Lucy close, covering her daughters lips with her hand. I need you. Your father needs you. James needs you.
Jameshe doesnt. Not now.
Why, Lucy?
Because, this is my problem. Not his. He doesnt have time, either. Maybe…maybe he can still have children one day.
Lucy got up, giving her mother a quick farewell hug, gathering her things.
Ill be fine, honestly. Dont worry, Lucy blew her mum a kiss, shut the door behind her, and Helen sank weakly onto the hall chair. Why, Lord? Why must her daughter bear this?
Lucy didnt want to go home, so she wandered down to the embankment. At this time of year it was bleak and quietan older couple hurrying past, huddled against the chilly autumn wind, and a few dog walkers.
Watching them, Lucy unexpectedly burst into tears again. She had always dreamt of growing old together, understanding each other without words, sharing something truly theirsand now, she believed, shed never have that. Suddenly she realised shed loved James all along, putting the thought off, as she had everything in life. But now, none of it seemed to matter. If you love someone, you must think not of yourself, but of them.
Gazing at the cold, indifferent Thames, she remembered weekend walks with her parents, delaying the one treat she was alloweda scoop of ice cream, no matter the weather. Not once did Lucy get a sore throat, even eating it in winter. She wouldnt be taking her own children for such walks.
Shaking herself from the dark thoughts staring back from the river, she decided: enough. Self-pity would change nothing. Shed have to move forwardfind something, anything, to give her a reason to live. Her past achievements now seemed meaningless. Career, possessionsnothing could make up for what she had lost. Shed have to find something else, someday… But right now, she had something urgent to do. If her time belonged to her, Jamess no longer did.
On the way back to her car, Lucy stopped dead. A group of teenage boys stood clustered round it. She glanced up and down the roadempty. If anything happened, no one would help. Yet rather than fear, Lucy felt a strange mix of anger and numbness. Did it really matter what happened now?
She shoved her cold hands into her pockets and strode over.
Whats going on here?
The boys, about sixteen, turned towards her.
Is this your car, miss?
Yes.
Theres something under the bonnet! It needs openingwe have to get it out! They all chimed in, and Lucy realised this wasnt a threat.
Wait! One at a time, I cant understand. Whats under the bonnet?
The smallestclearly the leaderstepped forward. Theres a kitten. We saw it crawl under, climbed right up, maybe onto the wheel, or further. We need to get it before it gets hurt.
Lucy raised her eyebrows in surprise.
Are you sure?
Yes! We saw it. Its cold, theyre looking for warmth in the cars.
She unlocked the car and lifted the bonnet. Oh my goodness! she gasped as the boys pulled out a black as coal, frantically squirming kitten.
Its a right little terror! the leader laughed, handing it over. Here, you take him.
Me? Lucy carefully took the suddenly calm kitten. What am I supposed to do? Ive never kept cats.
Youll manage. Just feed him plenty!
They laughed and walked off along the embankment. Lucy, recalling something, called after them.
Wait! She dug in her pocket and handed them a five pound note. Cant let an animal go without a treatthats what Mum always said.
Thanks! grinned the lads, waved, and disappeared.
She slipped into her car, staring at the unexpected addition to her life.
So what am I supposed to do with you?
The kitten, settling in on her lap and kneading her light mac with dirty paws, purred so loudly Lucy couldnt help but smile.
Brilliant…old and alone with a catjust as it should be, Lucy sighed, then started the car. Come on, lets go home.
Lucy put off the conversation with James until morning, spending the rest of the evening in the company of her new lodger.
How on earth did you pick up so many fleas? Youre a nightmare! What possessed me to get involved in this? Lucy muttered, bathing the kitten while James stood by, holding a towel.
Its weird, he said.
What is?
Cats usually hate water, but this ones just sitting there. And purring! Havent you noticed? Its like a little motor.
Lucy bundled the small, soaking kitten in a towel. Right! Time for dinner.
When the kitten, fed and clean, curled up next to Lucy on the sofa and drifted off, James finally asked what hed been dreading.
Well, then. Any news?
Lucy sighed deeply. It would have been better to talk in daylight, but what was the point stalling?
I want a divorce, James.
He sat up, startled. What? Why?
Because I cant have children. Its my fault. You deserve to be a father, and you can still find someone elsetheres time for you.
James looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. So, thats it? You think Im a machineswitch from one to another as I feel like? Lucy, what kind of person are you? Did it never occur to you actually I love you, and children arent everything? All I want is you, not someone else. But apparently youve already made up your mind.
He picked up the sleepy kitten from the sofa. Im sleeping in my office tonight. Goodnight.
Lucy nodded mutely, waiting for him to leave before letting out a stifled sob. How could she… But a worm of doubt lingered. He meant it now, sure, but in two or three years?
She agonised all night, replaying her life with James, weighing everything, convinced she was right. Temporary nobility can lead to decades of regretJames would never tell her so, but she knew.
She fell asleep at dawn, curled up with cold feet under her, head on the armrest. She didnt hear James get ready for work, feed the kitten, or leave. She woke late, under a warm throw. By her side was a note: Back this eveningwell talk. Dont you dare think of leaving me. Im not letting you go! Love you.
The kitten sat at her feet, its huge green eyes staring up.
What? Lucy groaned, sitting up slowly, every muscle stiff. Time for coffee. Will you have some?
The cat shot to the kitchen on cue, making Lucy smile for the first time in days.
You dont hang about, do you?
As the coffee boiled, she realised she felt lighter than yesterday. Was it Jamess note, or just time doing its work? She couldnt say, but the weight had lessened. She couldnt yet call it hope, but something was shifting, and that was enough for now.
She phoned work, feigned a cold, and took the day off. After booking a haircut and manicure, she set out.
The city was drenchedcars sent up fountains of spray, the rain relentless. She was soaked before even reaching her car, having forgotten her umbrella. As she drove, she caught herself wanting to turn back. No, she thought, she had to do something, anything, other than dwell on tears and pointless thoughts.
The weather had delayed everyone at the salon. Lucy, flicking through a random magazine, found herself reading about motherhood and childhood. She glanced at the cover and smirked. Typical! Out of all the glossy rubbish, shed picked this. She flipped further, and stopped. A little boy, staring out with huge, pond-green eyes, stared back at her. She felt, somehow, she knew him. Something tickled at the back of her mind. She tore her gaze from the photoit showed a boy of three or fourand read the text beneath.
The stylist called for Lucy, but she was gone, as was the magazinethough no one noticed.
James looked up in astonishment as Lucy burst into his office. Hed never seen her so animated.
Look! Lucy dropped the magazine in front of him, pointing at the photo.
Whos this?
Ive no idea, James. Just a name and age listed. But look!
She grabbed his shoulders, dragging him to the mirrored divider between their offices, pressing the open magazine into his hand and turning him to face the glass.
Doesnt he remind you of anyone?
James peered at the boys face, glanced up at his own reflection, and shuddered. It was like seeing a younger version of himself.
Incredible… James muttered, reading the caption again. Are you sure?
No. Im not sure about anything. The magazine isnt even currentmaybe hes already found a family. I know nothing, except that Im finished with putting things off.
They brought Samuel home from the childrens home six months later. Two years on, Lucy found a picture of a little girl in a similar magazine, and soon after, Marina came home, knowing no other mother than Lucy. Five years later, Lucy, blaming unusual symptoms on early menopause, blurted out to her GP, You must be joking! Thats impossible!
Julia arrived right on schedule, much to the surprise of their now rather large family.
Helen lived to see her granddaughter, passing away a year later after a long illness. She refused to give in, spending all her energy on the grandchildren she so adored.
Youre my joy…my whole life is in you.
Going through her mothers things to prepare her father to move in, Lucy found a box at the very back of a cupboard. Opening it, she gasped, then broke down sobbingso loudly the children came running.
Mum! Whats wrong? Samuel called, panicked.
Lucy pulled out her mothers old boots, holding them to her chest as she wept, feeling the pain dissolve. Shed kept it together when Helen died, through the funeral, but now at last she broke.
Mum, why are you crying? Marina crouched before her, trying to see her eyes; when she couldnt, she simply hugged Lucy, and burst into tears too.
Julia, not one to be left out, joined in, and only James, coming from the kitchen with a worried Samuel, could put a stop to the emotional riot.
All right, calm down. Lucy, reallywhats happened?
The girls fell silent and turned to their dad, reassured by his presence. Mum would be fine now.
Oh, James…She kept them, you see. All this timeshe kept them safe.
Lucy put the boots aside, searching the cupboard again. On the shelves, neatly stacked, lay her hope chesther trousseau. Shed refused to take it when she married, saying none of it matched her new home, yet her mother had carefully preserved it. Tiny lavender bags scented the old sheets and towels with a faint aroma, and even the untouched lace bed linen was still there, yellowing with age in the package, the embroidery faded.
James, Lucy choked. How can it be? Shes gone, but these things remain. Why do we always put off living for later? Waiting for the ‘right’ momentit may never come. Its not right. Not fair.
James said nothing, hugging his wife close. What could he say? Lucy was right.
Julia curled around Lucys leg, looking up at her with her big green eyes, just like her father and brother.
Mummy!
Lucy froze, uncertain shed heard right, but James nodded, and she dropped to her knees.
Say it again.
Mummy! Julia threw herself into Lucys arms.
Samuel and Marina clapped their hands in delight.
She said ‘Mummy’! Beat you, Dad! Samuel teased.
Means we have to take you all to the zoo, then!
When? This weekend? Marina bounced on the spot.
Why wait for the weekend? Dont put off until tomorrow what we can do today. Lets go!
Lucy glanced at the things scattered across the floor. Those, she thought, could definitely waitshe knew that much now.
Driving, she listened to the childrens laughter in the back seat, thinking she didnt know how to make them perfectly happywho does? But shed try to teach them one simple truth: dont put life off for later, because later is fickle. Just when you think the moment is close, it slips away, and may never return.
Can we have ice cream?
Now? Samuel asked, surprised. Mum, we havent even had lunch yet!
Well manage. Well?
Yes! the children chorused, clapping. James smiled.
Spoiling them, arent you, darling?
Of course! Whats life without a little spoiling, love? And when, if not now?They piled out of the car, laughter spilling into the sunny afternoon, rain long forgotten. Lucy nudged James, ice cream dripping from Julias cone onto her sleeve, Samuel darting ahead, Marina calling to feed the ducks. The chaos felt golden, threaded with Helens presence in every detailboots, lavender, the quiet wisdom of holding close what mattered while you could.
Breathing in, Lucy let the sound of her daughters delighted shriek and Jamess gentle teasing wash over her. The ache inside dissolved into a bittersweet warmth. They wandered beneath the sprawling trees, the riverside bright with possibility, and Lucy found herself promising, silently: no more life postponed, no more joys set aside for someday.
She caught Jamess hand, squeezing tight. He squeezed backno words needed. Julia pressed sticky fingers into Lucys palm, Marina leaned against her, Samuel shouted about swans ahead. For a heartbeat, time paused, ripe and humming with everything shed once feared shed lost.
Race you to the water! shouted Samuel, and the children flew as if their feet had wings.
Lucy laughed, not for the kids, but for herselfthe little girl who had saved her sweet for later, and the woman at last tasting happiness in its own perfect moment.
This, she thought, is what I almost missed. And as the sun broke through the last clouds, catching the wild joy on her childrens faces and the quiet love in Jamess eyes, Lucy knew: she was finally, truly home.
