A Deferred Life
Mum, can I have a chocolate from the box? Just one! Please! Ellie wound herself round the cupboard, fox-like, where her mother, Sarah, had stashed those hard-won treats.
No! Thats for the Christmas table. If you eat them now therell be nothing left for the new year.
Ellie puffed out her cheeks. What did it matter when she ate the sweet? Its not like she was asking for all of them, only one! Why was Mum always like this? If it was tasty, you had to wait. If it was pretty, it was for special occasions. Ellie would have loved to grab a chocolate, put on her new dressfresh from her dads business trip to Londonand pop over to Lucys house. For some reason, Lucys mum let her wear new clothes to nursery. Though, Ellie had overheard that her mum made most of Lucys clothes anyway, rather than buying them. Still, Lucy always looked like a little fashion queen, while Ellie trotted around in the same polka-dot dress she was absolutely sick of.
Back then, Ellie didnt yet realise how hard her parents worked for every chocolate and frock. Sarah worked at the local library, Dad was an engineer. Hard to get, that was the phrase she grew up with. That meant something new and exciting, things you simply couldnt just buy in the shops. Thats how shed ended up with lovely shoes. Mum finally got new boots. Of course, they ate pasta and potatoes for nearly a month, but Mum was so pleased with her new boots she didnt even wear them at firstjust admired them. Oddly, it was those boots Ellie remembered most clearly as she grew up; every scuff and dent seemed unforgettable.
Time marched on, and suddenly everything changed. The shops filled with anything your heart desired and the issue shifted from finding things to finding the money for them. Ellie was in Year 9 when her dad came home, face alight, and said:
Theyve hired me!
She didnt know what it meant at the time, but her parents celebrated like theyd won the lottery, so it had to be good. It was. The electronics firm had found a perfect fit for Dad, and for the first time, he seemed almost unrecognisable: thoughtful, sometimes grumpy, suddenly smiling and buzzing with energy. Hed found his niche, and soon enough was running the place.
Life softened. Mum didnt spend her evenings anxiously tallying up budgets, trying to magic up funds for something new for Ellie. Ellie got her first pair of jeans, then those trendy trainers everyone raved about, and more. She ditched her plan of leaving for college at sixteen to start earning early. Instead, she set her sights on university. Her parents cheered her on. After two years spent poring over textbooksno discos, barely any time for friendsEllie passed her exams with flying colours and became a student. She couldve let up then, but naturally, she didnt. Studies, a proper job, and then the rest, she thought. And she pulled it off: top marks, a brilliant job lined up by Dad, who now had strings to pull thanks to his new friends in high places.
On paper, everything was perfect. Success ticked off. She bought her own place, her own car, jetted off on holidays abroad. Only one snag. She did it all alone.
But the solitude didnt really bother her. Ellie had never been the perfect girl next door, and suitors werent exactly in short supply. But serious relationships? No time for that. Not yet. There was so much to do while she was young, and when she had kids, everything would be put on hold anyway.
Her first real relationship only happened when she was thirty-five. She and Victor had sat in neighbouring offices for years, barely chatting. Ellie would never have guessed he fancied her. Vic was handsome, clevera real catch. The sort of man Ellie rated most. Too shy to tell the office “Ice Queen” her effect on him, Victor finally gathered his courage at a work partyhelped along by Ellie sleepily draping her tipsy head on his shoulder during a slow dance.
Marry me. Were both doing well, the biological clock is ticking. Its time to start a family. Ive always liked you. Actually, more than liked. I love you, Ellie.
Ellie snorted.
Oh Vic, dont be daft. Were not old! Theres loads of time.
But the next morning, when she woke and looked him in the eyes, she surprised herself by blurting out:
I will. Ill marry you.
There followed a grand wedding, Sarah sobbing with joy, finally seeing hope of grandchildren. In three years, Ellie realised all her successes meant little compared to what shed gained, after postponing what turned out to be most important.
Theres nothing I dont have a future, Mum, Ellie couldnt even cry as she clutched her diagnosis. Why was I such a fool?
Dont say that! Its just one clinic. Medicines changing every day. Theres still hope.
When? Ellie flung the papers across the living room, scattering them everywhere.
Little had changed at her parents flat. Her folks refused to let her pay for repairs or new furniture, though Dad had retired, was often poorly, and Sarah rarely ventured out, loath to leave him alone. Of course, Ellie did things her way now and then, regardless of protest, but it mostly meant she kept both her parents fridge and her own stocked up, and restored their battered old sofa into something resembling vintage chic. The big redecoration had been a decade ago, and now, as she stared blankly at the wall, it occurred to her that the wallpaper really ought to be freshened up, and the flooring sanded. Funny, the sort of silly thoughts that pop into your mind when your hard-won life comes crashing down.
Mum, dont you see? I havent got time
They sat together as dusk crept in, lost in thoughts, not noticing the phone ringing. Ellie sometimes burst into tears, sometimes composed herself, but mostly sat in silence, not wanting to pick at something that was already unpickable. Eventually Ellie lifted her head, barely making out her mothers face in the gloom.
Thanks, Mum.
For what, love?
For listening. Theres no one else now. And anyway, who else would care?
Oh, dont say that Sarah reached out, covering her daughters lips with her hand. I care. Your dad cares. And Victor cares!
Not anymore, Mum.
Why not, Ellie?
Because its my problem, not his. He hasnt got time either. But, maybe, hell get another chance for a family.
Ellie stood up, bussed her mother on the cheek and gathered her bag.
Ill be fine, Mum, dont worry. Blowing her a kiss, Ellie closed the front door softly behind her. Sarah sank into the hall chair, drained. Why, she thought, must her daughter face this?
Ellie couldnt face going home yet, so she drove along the river. It was miserable out, with only a pair of dog walkers and an elderly couple braving the damp, hurrying along, noses in their collars, trading short remarks. Ellie watched them go, and suddenly found herself crying hard. Once upon a time, shed longed for something like thatfor a love that lasted, for a wordless understanding, something shared Now none of that would ever be. She realised, with a clarity that stunned her, that she had loved Victor for ages, had simply refused to admit itjust as shed always postponed everything important. But what good was that, when it no longer mattered? When you actually love someone, youre meant to think of them, not yourself.
Gazing at the cold, distant Thames, Ellie recalled weekend walks here with her parents, saving up for the one treat she was allowed. There was always ice cream, come rain or snowand, miraculously, shed never got a sore throat once. She wouldnt be doing that with her own kids, though.
She looked away from the murky river and shook her head. Enough self-pity! Moping would change nothing. She had to get on. There had to be something worth living for, still. All her achievements now seemed to count for nothingcareer, possessions, holidaysall pointless next to what shed lost. Now she needed something else Only she couldnt yet name it. For now, one thing had to be sorted immediately. If she had any time leftit was hers. Victors, however, was already borrowed.
Ellie trudged back towards the carthen froze. A group of teenage lads were loitering about her little Ford Fiesta. She looked round. Deserted. If something did happen, there was no one to step in. Oddly, she felt a flicker of rage and indifference at the same time. As if it really mattered what happened now.
She jammed her hands deep in her pockets and strode up.
Whats going on here, then?
The boys all turned round at once.
That your car, miss?
Yes, it is.
Under the bonnet! Quick! We saw something crawl under thereopen it, please!
Ellie hesitated, then realised they didnt mean her harm. Something else was up.
Hold on, one at a time. Whats under the bonnet?
They exchanged glances, and the shortest among them stepped forward. A leader, Ellie thought absently.
A kitten. We saw it crawl under. It could be on the wheel, could be anywhere. We need to get it out before it hurts itself.
Ellie raised her eyebrows. You sure?
Yeah, we saw it. Its cold, see, so they crawl under the cars for warmth.
Ellie unlocked the car, popped the boot, and gingerly lifted the bonnet.
Oh my word! She gasped, as the boys pulled out a struggling, jet-black kitten.
Blimey, hes a nasty piece of work! the spokesman grinned, handing it to her, all claws and teeth. Here you go!
Me? What am I supposed to do with him? Ive never had a cat in my life!
Youll work it out. Just feed him! They walked off, laughing.
She suddenly remembered her manners and called after them, rummaging in her pocket. Hang onyou cant look after a lost creature without something for luck. Thats what my mum says. She passed them a fiver.
Cheers, miss! They pocketed the note, waved, and were gone.
Ellie sat back in her car, staring at her unexpected purchase.
So what am I supposed to do with you?
The tiny black cat wiggled onto her lap, kneading her coat with mucky paws, and purred thunderously.
Oh well. Middle-aged, single, with a cat. Cliché complete. Ellie buckled up. Right then, home we go.
The conversation with Victor was pushed to tomorrow. That evening, she scrubbed the kitten for an hour.
And where exactly did you pick up all these fleas? Disgusting! You little monster! What possessed me to get involved in this circus? She was bent over the bath, cat squirming, while Victor stood by with a towel.
Thats odd.
What?
Most cats would fight you like a wildcat, but this one doesnt seem to mind. Hes practically humming.
Hes purring, trust me. A little engine under my hands.
Ellie wrapped the shrunken kitten in the towel.
Right, supper time.
When the now-fed kitten finally drifted off beside her on the sofa, Victor found the courage to ask:
So, El. Any news?
She took a deep breath. It would have been better to have this out in the morning, but what was the point of delaying the inevitable?
We have to split up, Vic.
Well, thats a surprise. Whats brought this on?
I cant have children. Thats all me. Youve still got time to meet someoneand be a dad.
Victor looked at her as if seeing her anew.
So thats it? You think Im a robot? Swap one woman for another? Ellie, what are you like? Did it even cross your mind that I love you, and children arent the be-all of marriage for me? The main things youhardly some fantasy wife. But no, youve always made up your mind in advance
He scooped up the dozing kitten. Ill kip in the study tonight. Night.
Ellie nodded silently, waited for the door to close, and then sobbed quietly. How ridiculous But the worry worm kept gnawing away. He said all that now, but in a few years time?
She spent the night replaying everything, thinking this way and that, still convinced she was right. A flash of generosity today could end up as decades of quiet regrets. And Victor would never say so, simply because he was a decent man.
She finally drifted off just before dawn, curled up in the armchair, not hearing Victor head to work, feed the kitten, or leave. She woke at lunchtimeblanket tucked round her, a note on the table: Back tonightwe need to talk. And dont think youre getting rid of me. Love you.
The kitten sat at her feet, staring up with huge green eyes.
What? Ellie groaned as she stretched her aching limbs. Coffee, I need. Fancy some milk?
She smiled for the first time in ages as the kitten dashed to the kitchen.
Looks like youre settling in well.
As she set the kettle to boil, she realised she felt lighter than yesterday. Whether it was Victors note or just that the infamous healing powers of time had kicked inshe couldnt say. Whatever it was, she was no longer in agony. She still hadnt worked out what came next but could sense hope in the air. Life had to go on.
Ellie rang work, called in sick, and booked a day of pamperinga haircut, nails, the lot.
The city was absolutely saturated, rain coming down in sheets. Traffic sloshed past, the storm determined to stick around. By the time she reached her car, she was drenchedhaving forgotten her umbrella. Still, she shrugged off the urge to slink home. Keep moving. It was the only way back to herself.
In the salons waiting area, she flipped through a battered magazine. Advertsoh joythen a parenting article. Ellie glanced at the cover and smirked. Out of all this glossy clutter, shed picked up a magazine about babies. Really. Of all the luck. How did that even get here? Flicking through more pages, she suddenly stopped. A little boy stared out at herbig green eyes, like lily pads. Oddly familiar. Ellie couldnt shake the inkling that she somehow knew him. There was something in his gaze She looked away, then read the caption underneath.
The stylist called for the next client. She looked around, expecting Ellie, but there was only an empty chair. The magazine, also, was missing.
Victor glanced up in surprise when Ellie burst into his office, breathlessclutching a tattered magazine.
Look at this! she said, thrusting it in his face.
Whos this, Ellie?
I dont know! All I have is his name and age. But look!
She dragged him towards the mirrored wall, shoved the open magazine in his hands, and turned him to face their reflection.
Doesnt he remind you of anyone?
Victor peered at the photo, then looked at his own reflection, and shivered. The boy was his doublethirty years younger.
Amazing, isnt it? Ellie hardly breathed, desperate for his answer. She felt like her whole future depended on it.
Ill say Victor reread the text under the picture. Are you sure?
No. Im sure of nothing. The magazines oldhe might have found a family already. I dont know But thisthis, its impossible! And I dont want to wait anymore for anything.
Six months later, they brought Sam home from the orphanage. Two years after that, Ellie spotted a photo of a little girl in the same type of magazine. Thats how Molly came home. She was barely eighteen months and had never known another mum. Ellie became her everything. Another five years went by, and Elliebrushing off odd symptoms as early menopausenearly fell off her chair at the doctors news.
Dont be ridiculous! Thats impossible!
But thats how Julia joined the familybang on time, much to everyones delighted shock.
Sarah lived to see her youngest granddaughter. She passed away a year later, after a long illness she stubbornly ignored, pouring her strength into her grandchildren.
Youre my joy, shed say. Youre my whole life now.
After Sarah died, as Ellie sorted the old flat and settled her father in with them, she found a box behind the wardrobe. She popped it open, gave a little gasp, and tears fell so hard the kids rushed in.
Mum! Whats wrong? Sam cried, not understanding.
Ellie pulled out a pair of ancient boots and hugged them to her chest, crying out all her pain. Shed held it in at the funeral, all through Sarahs illnessnow it all tumbled out.
Mummy, why are you crying? Molly crouched in front of her, trying to catch her eye before simply hugging her mother and sobbing too.
Julia, not to be left out, joined in. Victor finally appeared, exchanged a helpless look with Sam, and broke up the crying session.
Alright, enough! El, whats happened?
The girls stopped instantly, all eyes on their father. Now everything would be fine. Mum would stop crying.
Oh, Vicshe kept them, can you believe it? All these years, she kept them
Ellie set the boots aside and peered into the wardrobe. Her trousseau was still there. Shed refused to take it when she marriedclaiming it wouldnt match her new décor. Now, carefully removing each piece, she realised Mum had kept everything: pressed linen sheets, little lavender bags (still faintly fragrant), lace bedding purchased years back but never used. The lace was yellowing, the embroidery had faded
Vic Ellie turned to him. How can it be that someones gone, but their things remain? Why do we always put life off? Never go for it now, always waiting for a moment that might never come Its madness! Unfair!
Victor hugged her, quietly. There was nothing to sayshe was right.
Julia, after lurking nearby, wrapped herself around Ellies leg, and lifted big green eyes:
Mummy!
Ellie froze, hardly daring to believe it, but Victor nodded, grinning, so she knelt down.
Say it again, darling.
Mummy! Julia clambered into Ellies arms, hugging her hard. Mummy
Sam and Molly clapped.
She said it at last! Sam winked at his father. You lose, Dad.
So, a trip to the zoo, then?
When? Molly asked, bouncing up and down. This weekend?
Why wait till the weekend? Ellie kissed her and nuzzled Mollys button nose. Dont put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Lets go!
She glanced at the scattered belongings on the floor. That, at least, could wait. She was sure of it now.
Driving through puddles, listening to her childrens noisy giggles from the back seat, Ellies mind drifted. She had no idea how to ensure her familys utter happinessdid anyone? But shed make sure they at least learned this one, simple lesson: never put off life. Later is a fickle thing, and just as you think youve reached it, you find the moments shiftedmaybe never to come at all.
Can we get ice cream?
Now? Sam blinked. Mum, but we havent had lunch yet!
Theres time for lunch! Sowhat do you all think?
Yes! The kids cheered, and Victor smiled.
Youre spoiling them, darling.
How else, love? If not now, when?They piled out of the car into the sunlight, umbrellas abandoned, the sky finally giving way to bright blue patches. Victor and Ellie held hands as the children raced ahead, squealing with joy at their unexpected treat. Today, Ellie didnt care about wet shoes or sticky fingers or the laundry shed left in the machine. Today, she was presenttruly alivewith the people who mattered.
She watched Sam take Julias tiny hand, guiding her carefully over the curb; Molly skipping ahead, calling to the others. In that instant, Ellie caught her reflection in the ice cream shop window: damp hair, flushed cheeks, eyes shining with laughter. And behind her, Victor, grinning, the family tumbling around them like a small, bright universe.
Shed spent years waitingsaving dresses, hoarding hopes, hedging her hearts betsafraid that loving deeply meant risking loss. Yet, as the bell above the shop door jingled and her children burst in, tumbling with stories and shouts, she realized: joy was never something to ration.
Later, as they sat on a bench, cones melting faster than little hands could manage, Ellie leaned her head on Victors shoulder. Sam dripped chocolate down his front, Molly made a face at her reflection in the puddle, Julia offered her sticky cone to the sleeping kitten in Ellies lap.
Victor slipped his arm around her and whispered, This. Right nowdont forget.
Ellie smiled, tears pricking behind her lashesnot of sadness, but of a gratitude so fierce it surprised her.
I wont, she whispered back, promising herself, him, her children, and the world. Ill remember.
And as the sun finally broke through, scattering rainbows across the wet pavement, Ellie understood there would always be another stormbut now she knew how to dance in the rain, laughing, with her arms wide open to the next miracle.
The future could wait. For once, she had truly arrived.
