LIFE IN ORDER
Clara, I forbid you from speaking to your sister and her family! They have their own livesso do we. Have you called Emily again? Complained about me? Ive warned youdont blame me if something happens, William said, gripping my shoulder so tightly it hurt.
Whenever this happened, Id slip silently to the kitchen, bitter tears stinging my eyes. I never complained to Emily about my life. We simply talked. With elderly parents to care for, there was much to discuss. William despised it. He loathed my sister Emily. Her home was filled with peace and comfortsomething you could never say about ours.
When I married William, youd be hard-pressed to find a happier girl in all of England. Hed swept me into a whirlwind of passion. His heightnearly a head shorter than medidnt bother me at all. Nor did I remark on Williams mother stumbling at our wedding, barely upright. Later, the truth came out: my mother-in-law was a well-practised alcoholic.
Drunk on love, Id noticed none of it. But one year into marriage, I doubted the possibility of ever being blissfully happy. William drank heavilyreturning home more drink than man. Soon affairs followed, each more brazen. I was working as a nurse at the local hospitalmy pay was meagre. Meanwhile, William preferred late-night pints with his drinking mates.
Providing for me never crossed his mind. Once, I dreamed of children. Now, my world was narrowed to caring for my pedigree tabby cat. Any desire for children with an alcoholic husband vanished entirely. Yet, some love for William clung on in me.
Silly girl, Clara! my colleague and friend Sarah would mutter. The place is swarming with decent men whod worship youand you fixate on that little gnome, walking around black and blue after his blows. Think no-one notices you hiding those shiners under layers of foundation? Leave before he kills you, you silly thing.
Williams sudden fits of hatred often left me battered. Once, he beat me so badly I missed my shift. Locked me in the flat and took the key. I became deathly afraid. My heart would bolt and race whenever his key scraped in the lock; my soul shrank to the size of a pin. I thought perhaps this was punishmentfor failing to give him a child, for being a poor wife, forwho knows? I made no protest against his rages, his insults, his jeering. Why did I still love William?
I remembered his witchlike mother whispering, Clara, obey your husband, love him with your whole being. Forget your family, your friendstheyll do you no good.
And so, I abandoned friendship, shunned family, and submitted to Williams will. He had complete dominion over me.
Yet, I cherished when William would beg forgiveness on his knees, weeping, kissing my feet. Those times tasted enchantingly sweet, as if reconciliation conjured a strange bliss. Hed shower the bed with rose petalspetals stolen from his mates wifes painstaking garden, sold off by the drunken husband for next to nothing. We wives swooned over the roses and, in forgiveness, tried starting again.
Likely Id have meekly lived out my days with William, endlessly patching up my shattered illusions, had not chance intervened.
Leave William. Ive his child, a son. Youre barrena dud flower, a strange woman bluntly demanded I give William up for her illegitimate sons sake.
Rubbish! Get out! Go while Im still being polite, I snapped at her.
William squirmed when I confronted him. Swear to me, its not your son! I demanded, knowing denial would only dig his shame deeper.
The answer was his leaden silence. I understood everything.
Clara, never seen you smile. Something wrong? Dr. Henry Bradford, our hospitals chief, remarked one afternoon. Id always presumed he barely knew me, but suddenly he took real interest.
Everythings fine, I stammered, flustered.
Thats good. When everythings in order, life is beautiful, Dr. Bradford intoned mysteriously.
Rumour had it Henryalways bespectacled, slight, his hair recedinghad divorced his wife over infidelity and now lived alone, raising his daughter. At forty-two, he wasn’t Hollywood handsome, but when he drew near, something about his aftershave, spicy and intoxicating, made my heart flutter.
I began avoiding Henry, afraid of temptation. Yet his simple words gnawed at me. Everything in order Nothing in my life wasutter chaos, in fact. Time kept rushing ahead, never pausing to let me tidy up.
I left William and returned to my parents home. Mum was shocked. Clara, what happened? Did William throw you out?
No, Mum, Ill explain someday, I said, hollow with shame.
Later, Williams mother shrieked at me down the phone, cursing and accusing. But now, my shoulders straightened, I finally breathed, all thanks to Dr. Bradford.
William raged and threatened, followed me everywherebut his hold over me was broken. William, dont waste your time. See to your sonhe needs you. Our chapter is over. Goodbye, I told him coolly.
At last, I could see Emily and my parents freely, no longer a puppet on Williams strings.
Sarah immediately noticed the transformation: Clara, youre glowing! You look like a bride!
And not long after, Dr. Henry Bradford made me an offer: Clara, will you marry me? I promise you wont regret it. Only one condition: call me Henry out of work, not Dr. Bradford!
Do you even love me, Henry? I was genuinely surprised.
Oh, forgive me. Words slip mebut I believe I do. Still, actions matter more, said Henry, kissing my hand gently.
Yes, Henry, I agree! I exclaimed, my joy overflowing.
Ten years drifted by.
Every day, Henry proved his love. He never resorted to hollow apologies or public displays. Instead, he cared for me with solid, generous deeds. We never managed children togetherperhaps I truly was a dud flower. But Henry was never cross nor cruel over it.
Clara, it seems were meant to be just us two. Im perfectly happy with you, he reassured me whenever I grieved my lost hopes of motherhood.
Henrys daughter gave us a granddaughter, Charlotte, and she became the apple of our eyes, the joy of our home.
As for William, he finally drank himself into oblivion before hed even turned fifty. His mother, bumping into me at the market, would glare daggers my way. But the venom dissolved long before it ever reached me. All I felt now was pity.
With Henry, everything really is in order. Life is beautiful.
