I raised three boys. Anyone who has had four men living under one roof will surely understand what I mean. I simply cant fathom how a home could go without supper on the table or end up with things carelessly strewn about every room. Now Im 52, and Ive always believed its a womans role to create a home that feels welcoming and safe for a man, a place hes happy to return to. Im not so sure my daughter-in-law feels the same way.
Two years ago, my eldest, James, decided to get married, and nine months later, they welcomed a daughter. James was 28 at the time, and his wife, Emily, was only 20. Emily was still at university, but even their eight-year age difference didnt phase my son.
When Emily was expecting, her moods were impossible. She sent James off to the shops constantly apples in the morning, then oranges, then flowers in the afternoon. James never complained, always did what she asked. We all thought once the baby arrived, things would settle down. But they never did.
She gave birth, nursed the little one for just two months, and that was that. Soon after, she told James she was exhausted from sleepless nights and wanted to take a break. James, ever the understanding and gentle soul, asked me if I could help look after the baby. Of course, how could I refuse?
So while I cared for my granddaughter, Emily would spend her days at salons and out and about, and when she finally came home, she didnt even bother making dinner for James when hed return from work. For a whole week, I looked after their daughter. Emily got used to lying in till midday, running the household entirely on her own terms. Everything fell to me.
After about a month, I was at my wits end and told them I really needed to go home. Emily was put out to say the least. I could see she still wasnt equipped to manage on her own, so I visited now and then, but I never liked what I saw the house was a mess, and their fridge was always empty.
She was too idle even to cook her daughter a meal. After raising three boys myself, I simply couldnt accept such a lack of responsibility. James always had a proper meal growing up. Last month, it was Jamess birthday. I thought Id pay them a visit, assuming Emily would make an effort and cook. Instead, she ordered in pizza and sushi.
I just cant understand my son why does he put up with it? I worry he went in blindly, never really knowing what she was like since they didnt live together beforehand, and now he just bears it quietly, never saying a word.
I keep thinking there must be a way to encourage her to take on her role as wife and mother. My biggest fear is upsetting James, though. I know I ought to support his choices, but its so hard to stand by and watch all this. Are all daughters-in-law so thoughtless?
What advice do you give a woman in my position? Should I sit down and talk to Emily? Reflecting now, I can only say this: sometimes, expectation and reality are different, and while its hard to let go, Im slowly learning that everyone must find their own way to make a home even if its not the way I would have done it.
