I’ve Had Three Long-Term Relationships—Each Time, I Thought I’d Become a Dad, but Walked Away When Things Got Serious About Having Kids The first woman I dated already had a young child; I was 27 and adapted to her routine and responsibilities. But when we started talking about having a child together and nothing happened for months, she went to a doctor and was fine. She asked if I’d been tested, but I brushed it off, feeling increasingly uncomfortable and irritable until our constant arguments led me to leave. The second relationship was different—she had no children, and we both wanted a family. After years of trying and failed tests, her tears became more frequent, while I avoided the topic and resisted seeing a specialist together. Feeling trapped and disengaged, I ended things after four years. My third partner had two teenage sons and told me early on she was happy not to have more children. Yet I brought the subject up, wanting to prove I could do it, but again nothing worked. I started to feel I didn’t belong, taking up space that wasn’t mine. Across all three relationships, it wasn’t just disappointment—it was fear. Fear of seeing a doctor and learning I was the problem. I never got tested, preferring to leave rather than face a truth I wasn’t sure I could handle. Now in my 40s, I see my exes with families and children that aren’t mine, and wonder if I truly walked away because I lost interest—or because I never had the courage to stay and face what might really have been happening to me.

Author Mitsuko NagasakiReading 3 minViews 1

Ive had three long-term relationships in my life. In all three, I thought I might become a father. And in all three, I left when things got serious about having children.

The first woman I was with already had a young child. I was 27 at the time. At first, I wasnt bothered at all. I got used to her routine, the childs schedule, and the added responsibilities. But when we began talking about having our own child, months went by and nothing happened. She was the first to see a doctor. Everything was fine on her end. Then she started asking if Id been checked myself. I kept saying there was no need, that it would just happen eventually. But bit by bit, I started to feel uneasy irritable on edge. Arguments became a daily thing. In the end, one day, I simply packed up and left.

The second relationship was different. She didnt have children. From the start, it was clear that we both wanted a family. Years passed, we tried countless times. Every negative result sent me deeper into myself. She began crying more, and I started to avoid the topic. When she suggested we see a specialist together, I told her she was making too much of it. I began coming home late, losing interest, feeling completely trapped. Four years later, we split up.

My third partner already had two teenage sons. Right from the beginning, she told me she was perfectly happy not having any more children. Yet the subject still came up. In fact, I was the one who brought it up. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. And yet nothing happened. Again, I started to feel out of place, like I was living a life that didnt really belong to me.

It was the same story in all three relationships. It wasnt just disappointment. It was fearfear of sitting in a doctors office, hearing that the problem was me.

I never got myself tested. I never confirmed a thing. I always chose to walk away instead of face an answer I wasnt sure I could handle.

Now Im in my forties. I see my exes with their families, children who arent mine. And sometimes I wonder if I truly left because Id had enough or because I never had the courage to stay and face what might have really been going on with me.

One Little Certificate The key to Mum’s flat was tucked in Serge’s jacket pocket, right beside the slip confirming his advance payment. He kept fiddling with the crumpled paper through the fabric, as if he could somehow control the situation by touch. In three days, he’d meet buyers at the solicitor’s to sign the contract for selling the flat—they’d already transferred a hundred grand, and the estate agent kept texting nightly reminders about deadlines. Serge replied briefly, no smiley faces, reading her reminders as threats. He climbed to the fifth floor with no lift, paused at the door, caught his breath, and only then rang the bell. Mum didn’t open straight away; he heard her shuffling behind the door, then the lock clicked. “Serge, is that you? Wait—let me just…” she called out, voice louder than needed and carried a note of tension, like she was apologising in advance. Serge smiled as best he could and held out the carrier bag. “Brought groceries. And we’ll check the contract again.” “The contract…” Mum retreated down the corridor to let him in. “I remember. Just don’t rush me.” The flat was warm, radiators blazing, a tote of medicines sat on the stool by the entrance. On the kitchen table, a plate with half an apple, and Mum’s large-font notepad: “Take tablets,” “Ring maintenance,” “Serge coming.” Serge unpacked the groceries, put the milk in the fridge, checked the seal. Mum watched, as if every movement were part of the transaction. “You bought the wrong bread again,” she said, not cross. “Didn’t have the proper sort,” replied Serge. “Mum, do you remember why we’re selling?” She sat, her hands folded tight on her knees. “So it’s easier for me. No more climbing stairs. And so you…” she hesitated, like the word “you” weighed too much. “So you don’t argue.” Serge felt annoyance rising—not at her, but the phrase itself. They argued quietly, by phone, so Mum wouldn’t hear. “We don’t argue,” he lied. “We’re sorting things out.” Mum nodded, but her look was clear, stubborn. “I want to see the new flat before I sign anything. You promised.” “We’ll go tomorrow,” Serge said. “Ground floor, garden, shop round the corner.” He took out documents from his folder: draft contract, receipt, land registry printout, passport copies. Everything filed, as if order in paperwork could fix the mess in their family. “What’s this?” Mum reached for a sheet Serge barely remembered. Thin paper, surgery stamp, doctor’s signature. Top—“Certificate.” Below—phrases that turned his mouth dry: “signs of cognitive decline,” “recommend considering guardianship,” “capacity may be limited.” “Where’s this from?” he asked, keeping his voice even. Mum peered at it, puzzled. “They gave me it… at the surgery. I thought it was for a care home.” “Who gave you it? When?” She shrugged. “I was with… Pasha. He said my memory should be checked, so no one tricks me. I agreed. Some lady on the desk said sign here, so I did. Didn’t read it, left my glasses at home.” Serge felt the picture forming in his mind, and hated it. His younger brother, Paul, had been repeating himself for months: “Mum can’t be left on her own, she forgets everything, she’ll get conned.” He said it like he cared, but the words carried weariness. “Mum, do you understand what this means?” Serge lifted the certificate. “That I…” Mum lowered her eyes. “That I’m stupid?” “No. It means someone’s started the paperwork so you can’t sign for yourself. So someone else decides for you.” Mum jerked her head up. “I’m not a child.” Serge saw her lips tremble. No tears, just a glistening hurt she wouldn’t show. “I know where my money is,” she said quickly. “I remember taking you to school. I remember this flat’s mine. I don’t want…” She couldn’t say the rest. Serge slipped the certificate back into the folder, handling it like something hot. “I’ll sort it,” he said. “Today.” He went onto the balcony to ring his brother. Out there, Mum’s jars of pickled gherkins stood empty, sparkling, neatly boxed. Lids arranged separately, perfectly stacked. Mum might misplace her glasses but jars and lids were always in order. Paul picked up straight away. “How’s things?” His voice was cheery, as if trying to sound in control. “Did you take Mum to the surgery?” Serge asked. Pause. “Yeah. So? I told you, it was needed. She gets confused, Serge. You know it.” “I know she’s tired. That’s not the same. Did you realise she was given a certificate about guardianship?” “Don’t make a drama. Just a suggestion. Prevents trouble with solicitors. Nowadays everyone’s scared of fraud.” Serge gripped the phone. “Solicitors don’t ‘nitpick,’ they check capacity. If her medical record notes ‘may be limited,’ the sale could be blocked.” “And if it goes through, someone could challenge it. Want us dragged into court? I just wanted everything clean.” “Clean is when Mum knows what she’s signing. Not when someone hands her a form she can’t read.” “So now it’s all on me?” Paul snapped. “I visit more than you. I see her forget to turn off the hob.” Serge recalled Mum calling yesterday to ask the day, but then naming the advance sum exactly and double-checking their receipt for tricks. “I’m going to the surgery today,” Serge told him. “And the solicitor. And you need to come over tonight. We’ll talk with Mum present.” “She’ll get anxious, Serge.” “She deserves to be there. It’s about her.” Serge went back to the kitchen. Mum sat, hands tight, gazing out the window looking for solace. “Don’t be cross with me,” she said, not turning. “Paul’s good. He’s just scared.” Serge felt something shift inside; she defended her younger son even now. “I’m not angry at him,” Serge said. “I’m angry no one asked you.” He packed up the folder, tucked the certificate in a separate sleeve. While leaving, he checked the gas cooker, windows. Mum walked him to the door. “Serge,” she whispered. “Don’t let my flat go to just anyone.” “No one will,” he promised. “And I won’t let anyone take you, either.” Serge spent two hours at the surgery: queue at reception, hunt the right office, then explain his need for information. Receptionist looked worn out. “Medical privacy. Only with a letter of authority.” “She’s my mother,” Serge kept his patience. “She didn’t realise what she signed. I just need to know who started all this.” “She’ll need to come in herself.” Serge stepped into the hallway, called Mum. “Mum, can you come now?” “Now?” Unease in her voice. “I… I’m not ready.” “I’ll come get you,” Serge said. “It matters.” He returned, climbed the fifth floor, found Mum’s coat and her glasses on the windowsill—“so as not to forget.” Mum walked steadily down the stairs. At the surgery, the queue was longer. Mum watched people, notices about health checks, shrinking in her seat. “Feel like a schoolgirl,” she muttered when they reached the window. “You’re a grown-up,” Serge replied. “Just how things work here.” With Mum present, the receptionist softened. Took passport, NHS card, found her record. “You saw the neurologist a fortnight ago,” she said. “And psychiatrist by referral.” Mum flinched. “Psychiatrist?” she repeated. “No one told me.” “It’s standard with memory complaints,” the lady said, though her voice lacked confidence. Serge asked for a printout of visits and the certificate. He was refused, but Mum was allowed a record summary to show the solicitor. This time, in her glasses, Mum read every line before signing. “There,” said the receptionist, handing over the sheet. “See the practice manager if you’ve more questions.” The manager’s office was locked, note on the door: “Open from 2pm.” It was only 12:30. “We won’t manage,” Mum said, relief tinging her voice as if the delay was a rescue. “We will. We’ll wait,” Serge replied. They sat on a hallway bench. Mum clutched the record, like a ticket she feared losing. “Serge,” she said, not looking at him. “I really do get mixed up sometimes. Can forget if I’ve had lunch. But I don’t want to be written off.” Serge glanced at her hands. Skin thin, veins showing, fingers still dexterous. He remembered her tying his scarf as a child—how he hated feeling helpless then too. “No one will write you off unless you choose it,” he said gently. “What if I don’t realise what I’m choosing?” That question hurt more than the certificate. “Then I’ll stay with you,” Serge said. “And we’ll make sure you do know.” The manager saw them at 2:20pm: neat woman in her fifties, spoke calmly. “Your mother’s not subject to a court order for incapacity,” she said, flipping through the notes. “There’s a doctor’s note of possible cognitive decline, recommendation to seek advice about guardianship. That doesn’t stop her signing for a sale.” “But the solicitor will see it and refuse,” Serge said. “A solicitor assesses capacity at the time of signing,” she replied. “If they’re unsure, they’ll ask for a psychiatric assessment or insist on a doctor’s presence. The certificate itself isn’t a ban.” Mum sat, grip tight on her handbag. “Who asked for the note about guardianship?” Serge pressed. She looked closely at him. “In the record: ‘accompanied by son.’ No surname. Doctor might make notes after tests. No one ‘requests’ that kind of entry officially.” Serge realised pushing further wouldn’t help. It would always look like proper care. The grey area began where Mum signed without reading. Back on the bus home, Mum was tired, but steady. As they travelled, she said suddenly: “Paul worries I’ll sell the flat to someone and get left homeless.” “He’s frightened,” Serge said. “What are you frightened of?” Serge hesitated. He feared the sale collapsing, the buyers retrieving their deposit via court, losing the new flat option, Mum trapped in the same block for years. But more deeply, he was afraid Mum would stop being seen as a person by their family—become just a “care subject.” “I’m scared people will stop asking you,” he admitted. That evening Paul came round. Took his shoes off, strode to the kitchen like it was his own. Mum calmly set out plates and salad from the fridge. Serge watched her—a normal family dinner performance. “Mum, you alright?” Paul bent to kiss her cheek. “Fine,” she replied, curtly. “Today I found out I saw a psychiatrist.” Paul froze, shot Serge a look. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Mum. Just a doctor. Everyone’s checked now.” “No one checked me—I was escorted.” Serge laid the record summary out on the table. “Paul, this note could ruin the sale,” he said. “And without it, the sale could be dodgy,” Paul fired back. “The solicitor needs to know it’s all above board. No one should ever say, ‘Little old lady didn’t understand.’” “She does understand,” Serge said. “Today she does, tomorrow…” Paul’s voice sharpened. “You see it! She forgets. She could sign anything.” Mum smacked a palm to the table—not hard, but sharply. “I won’t sign ‘anything,’” she said. “Only what’s explained to me.” Paul dropped his eyes. “I’m really worn out,” he said quietly. “Every day I worry some caller will trick her, make her transfer cash. I watched it happen to a neighbour. Not to Mum.” Serge heard the fear, not greed, in his words—but fear didn’t give the right to choose for Mum. “Let’s do it differently then,” Serge said. “No guardianship. No ‘incapacity.’ We go to the solicitor before the buyers come; Mum wears glasses, takes her time. Solicitor speaks with her. If needed, we get a psychiatrist’s report saying she understands. Any power of attorney is limited, only for essentials—utility bills and banks. The sale money goes into an account needing two signatures: hers and mine. Or hers and yours. As Mum wants.” Paul looked up. “That takes ages. Buyers won’t wait.” “Then let them go,” Serge retorted, words spilling out—and he saw Mum flinch. “I won’t sell the flat at the price of calling Mum ‘incapable.’” Mum stared at him with a new look—a mix of relief and worry. “Serge—what if we lose the money?” He sat near her. “We’ll lose the deposit maybe,” he said honestly. “And time. But if we agree to guardianship for speed, we’ll never get free. You’ll be living under watch, every step ‘for your own good.’” Paul clenched his fists. “You think I want to humiliate her?” he said. “I think you want control because you’re scared,” Serge replied. “And because it’s easier.” Paul jumped up violently. “Easier? You try. You show up weekly, then preach how to care.” Serge stood too, but stopped. He saw Mum shrink, like their clashing was a blow. “Enough,” he said. “Not about who does more. It’s about keeping Mum at the centre. Mum, do you want Paul to be able to sign on your behalf?” A long pause. Then Mum said: “I want both of you with me when I sign. I want truth, even if it’s hard.” Serge nodded. “That’s what we’ll do.” Next day Serge went solo to the solicitor with the record note and certificate. The solicitor’s office was in the old town, wooden stairs polished by decades of feet. The solicitor, a bespectacled man, looked through the papers. “The certificate isn’t enough for refusal,” he said. “But better have the sale signed in the presence of a psychiatrist, or get a report. And absolutely, your mother must be present. No broad powers of attorney.” “The buyers are waiting.” “Buyers always are,” he replied. “Until they aren’t. Your call.” Serge left and rang the estate agent. “We’re delaying the sale,” he said. “For how long?” The agent’s voice chilled. “A fortnight. Need a doctor’s report.” “Buyers may drop out. Deposit must be returned.” “Then we’ll refund it,” Serge replied, surprised by his own calm. He told Mum and Paul that night. Paul ranted about “wrecked chance,” “you ruined it,” then left quietly, the coat stand in the corridor shuddering at his departure. Mum sat at the kitchen table, turning a pen in her hands. “He won’t come back?” she asked. “He will,” Serge said. “He just needs time.” “And me?” Mum asked. Serge realised she meant not waiting, but the time she had left in her life, and how many days she’d spend as a “dependent.” “You need time too,” he said. “And rights.” A week later, Serge and Mum saw a private psychiatrist, no waiting for referrals. Mum was anxious but steady; the doctor chatted, asked about dates, children, the sale’s reason. Mum got the day wrong, but clearly explained she was selling to buy a new place, for her own life. The report arrived: “Capable of understanding and managing her actions.” Serge felt the paper like both a shield and a sorrow—it hurt to see Mum’s right to be herself stamped by someone else. The buyers pulled out. The agent messaged: “They’ve found another place.” Then: “Return deposit by Friday, or there’ll be a claim.” Serge repaid them, dipping into his savings. It stung, but didn’t break him. Paul went silent for three days. Then appeared one evening without warning. Mum opened the door, and Serge overheard their voices. “Mum, I’m sorry,” Paul said. “I pushed too hard.” “You didn’t upset me,” Mum replied. “You frightened me.” Paul joined Serge in the kitchen. “I really thought it was right,” he said. “I didn’t want her…” “I know,” Serge said. “But from now on—all forms only with her and us there. And if you’re scared, just say so—don’t go through certificates.” Paul nodded, though stubbornness lingered in his eyes. “What if she really does start to…?” he didn’t finish. Mum calmly looked at him. “Then you’ll decide together,” she said. “But while I’m alive and understand, I want my say.” Serge saw the family wasn’t healed—resentment settled deep, not gone. The sale failed, deposit refunded, new flat lost. But the folder now held new papers: a tightly limited power of attorney for Serge to pay bills and speak to the bank, Mum’s signed consent for a joint account, and a list of solicitor questions she’d written herself in bold. Late that night, Serge got ready to leave. Mum walked him to the door, as always. “Serge,” she said, handing him a second set of keys. “Take these. Not because I can’t cope. But because it lets me sleep.” He took the keys, cold in his palm, and nodded. “It does,” he agreed. On the landing, Serge paused. He heard Mum’s steps, then the door’s lock click. He stood listening, knowing more truths remained hidden—who’d prompted the certificate at the surgery, why no one explained the forms to Mum, where care slipped into control. All that could still surface. But now, Mum had her own voice—anchored by their actions—and no one could take it away so easily ever again.

The Cupboard and the Scales She went rummaging through the cupboard—not for memories, but for a jar of pickled cucumbers for her salad. On the top shelf, behind a battered box of tangled Christmas lights, the corner of a long-forgotten case caught her eye. The fabric had faded, the zip stubborn. She tugged, and from the depths slid a long, narrow shape, thin as a stretched shadow. She put the jar on a stool by the door so she wouldn’t forget it, then crouched down, as if that might make decisions easier. On the third try, the zip finally gave way. Inside lay a violin. Its varnish dulled in places, strings slack, bow bedraggled like an old broom. But the shape was unmistakable, and something inside her clicked, like a switch flicked on. She remembered lugging that case around the neighbourhood in Year 9, embarrassed by how silly she must look. Then came college, work, a wedding, and one day she simply stopped going to music lessons, too busy chasing a different life. The violin went to her parents for safekeeping, travelled with her to new flats, and now lay here, forgotten but not rejected, wedged amongst bags and boxes. She lifted the instrument gingerly, as though it might crumble. The wood was warm from her palm, despite the cupboard’s chill. Her fingers automatically found the neck—and then it felt awkward, as if she were trespassing on something no longer hers. On the stove, water boiled. She stood, closed the cupboard, but didn’t return the case. Instead she props it by the corridor wall and goes to switch off the hob. Salad could be made without cucumbers. Already, she finds herself searching for excuses. That evening, after the dishes are washed and only breadcrumbs linger in a plate on the table, she brings the case into the lounge. Her husband sits at the television, channel-hopping absent-mindedly. He glances up. ‘What’ve you dug up there?’ ‘A violin,’ she says, surprised at how steady she sounds. ‘Oh. Still alive?’ He grins, not unkind, just the familiar, gentle home humour. ‘Not sure. About to find out.’ She opens the case on the sofa, sliding an old towel underneath so the upholstery won’t scratch. Out come the violin, the bow, a tiny cracked box of rosin. She rubs the bow; its hairs barely catch the surface. Tuning is a separate humiliation. The pegs are stiff, the strings squeal, one snaps and stings her finger. She mutters a curse, quietly, not for the neighbours to hear. Her husband hums. ‘Maybe best leave it to the professionals?’ he suggests. ‘Maybe,’ she replies, but feels a surge of frustration—not at him, but herself, for forgetting how to even tune. She downloads a tuning app, sets her phone on the coffee table. The screen flashes notes, the needle dances; she twists the pegs, listens to the sound drift and peak. Her shoulder aches, her fingers clumsy with the unfamiliar task. When the strings finally stop groaning, she brings the violin up to her chin. The chinrest is cold, and her neck feels suddenly thin and exposed. She tries to stand as taught in lessons, but her back protests. She laughs at herself. ‘A concert, is it?’ her husband calls, his eyes still on the screen. ‘For you,’ she says. ‘Brace yourself.’ The first note comes out as more of a complaint than a sound. The bow shivers, her hand can’t hold a straight line. She pauses, exhales, tries again. It’s a little better, but still embarrassing. The shame is different now—grown-up. Not the teenage kind, when you think the whole world is watching. Here, the world isn’t watching—just the walls, her husband, and her own disobedient hands. She plays open strings, like in childhood, slow, counting silently. Then attempts a D major scale; her left-hand fingers tangle, and she can’t remember which finger goes where. Her hands are thicker now, and the pads miss each spot. No familiar ache at the fingertips, just a dull sensation, the skin strangely soft. ‘It’s alright,’ her husband says unexpectedly. ‘Well… it’s early days.’ She nods, unsure who it’s ‘alright’ for—him, her, or the violin. The next day, she brings it to the local music shop by the underground. Romantic? Not really: glass doors, a counter, guitars and violins on the wall, the air thick with varnish and dust. The repairman, a young chap with a stud, takes the violin like it’s a tool of trade. ‘Definitely need new strings,’ he says, ‘pegs oiled, bridge adjusted. The bow could do with a rehair, but that’s pricier.’ She hears ‘pricier’ and tenses. Bills, medicine, birthday gifts for the grandchild flit through her mind. She almost says, ‘Never mind, don’t bother,’ but instead asks, ‘Could I just have the strings and bridge for now?’ ‘Of course. It’ll play.’ She hands over the violin, tucks the receipt into her purse. Outside she feels as if she’s left behind not just an instrument, but a part of herself for repair. Back home, she opens her laptop and searches ‘adult violin lessons near me.’ The phrase makes her grin. Adult. As if there’s a whole separate breed that needs slower and gentler instruction. She finds a handful of ads: some promise ‘results in a month’, others ‘personalised approach.’ She shuts the tabs—it’s daunting. Then opens them again and writes a message to a female tutor in the next neighbourhood. Brief: ‘Hello. I’m 52. Want to relearn violin. Is it possible?’ Sent, and instantly she regrets it, wishing she could unsend, like erasing a confession of weakness. But it’s done. That evening, her son drops by. In the kitchen, he kisses her cheek, asks about work. She puts on the kettle, brings out the biscuits. He spots the case in the lounge. ‘Is that a violin?’ Genuine surprise. ‘Yes. Found it. Thinking… might give it a go.’ ‘Mum, seriously?’ His smile is lost, more puzzled than mocking. ‘But you… it’s been ages.’ ‘It has,’ she agrees. ‘That’s why, really.’ He sits down, spins a biscuit between his fingers. ‘Why, though? You’re already run off your feet.’ She feels the old reflex to explain, justify, convince him of her right. But explanations always sound a bit pitiful. ‘I don’t know,’ she admits. ‘I just want to.’ He looks closer, like he’s seeing—maybe for the first time—not just the mum who does it all, but a woman who wants something for herself. ‘Well… alright then. Just don’t wear yourself out. And spare the neighbours.’ She laughs. ‘Neighbours will cope. I’ll stick to daytime.’ When he leaves, she realises she’s lighter. Not because he gave permission, but because she didn’t have to justify. Two days later, she picks up the violin from the shop. The strings gleam, the bridge is true. The repairman shows her how to tune gently, how to store it. ‘Keep away from the radiator,’ he tells her. ‘And in the case.’ She nods, as obedient as a student. Home again, she sets the case on a chair, opens it and stares at the instrument as if afraid to break it. Her first exercise is the simplest: long bows on open strings. Boring punishment in childhood, now it’s salvation. No tune, no judgement. Just sound, and the attempt to make it smooth. After ten minutes, her shoulder aches; after fifteen, her neck is stiff. She stops, packs the violin into its case, zips up. Anger rises—at her body, her age, the way everything is harder. She goes to the kitchen, pours a glass of water, and stares out at teenagers on scooters, laughing on the playground. She envies—not their youth, but their shamelessness; how they fall, get up, keep going, never thinking it’s too late to learn balance. She returns to the room and opens the case again—not because she must, but because she refuses to end with irritation. The tutor’s reply arrives that night: ‘Hello. Of course it’s possible. Come along, we’ll start with posture and simple exercises. Age is no barrier, but do bring patience.’ She reads it twice. That word—patience—is honest, and it calms her. On lesson day, she travels with the case, clutching it like something precious and fragile. In the Tube, people steal glances, some smiling. Let them, she thinks. Let them see. The teacher is a petite forty-ish woman, short hair, keen eyes. The studio has a piano, shelves of music, a child’s violin on a chair. ‘Let’s have a look,’ she says, and invites her to hold the violin. She takes it—and it’s clear she grips it wrong. Her shoulder hitches, chin clamps, left hand wooden. ‘That’s fine,’ the teacher assures. ‘You haven’t played. Let’s just stand for now. Remember, the violin isn’t your enemy.’ It’s strangely liberating—and a bit funny—to stand at fifty-two and learn to hold a violin. No one asks her to be good. Just to show up. After the lesson, her hands tremble as if from PE. The teacher hands her a routine: ten minutes of open strings daily, then a scale, no more. ‘Better little and often,’ she advises. Her husband asks, ‘Well, how’d it go?’ ‘It’s tough,’ she says, ‘but alright.’ ‘Are you happy?’ She thinks. Happy isn’t quite right—anxious, amused, self-conscious, but lighter somehow. ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘It feels like I’m doing something for me, with my hands, and not just working or cooking.’ A week on, she dares to play a short tune she remembers from childhood. She finds the notes online, prints them at work, slips them into her folder so colleagues won’t ask questions. At home, she props the music on a DIY stand—an old book and a box. The sound is patchy, the bow snags neighbouring strings, her fingers stray. She stops, starts over. Eventually her husband pops in. ‘You know… that’s lovely,’ he says gently, as if afraid to interrupt. ‘Don’t lie,’ she retorts. ‘I’m not—it’s just… familiar.’ She smiles. Familiar is almost a compliment. At the weekend, her six-year-old granddaughter visits, spots the case immediately. ‘Nanna, what’s that?’ ‘A violin.’ ‘Can you play?’ She wants to say, ‘Once, maybe.’ But for a child there is only ‘now’. ‘I’m learning,’ she says. Her granddaughter perches on the sofa, hands neatly folded, like at a recital. ‘Play for me.’ The nerves tighten in her belly. Playing for a child is scarier—you can’t fool them. ‘Alright,’ she says, and lifts the violin. She plays that tune she’s struggled with all week. At bar three, the bow skids, a sharp squawk. Her granddaughter doesn’t flinch, just tilts her head. ‘Why does it squeak?’ ‘Because Nanna holds the bow crooked,’ she laughs, relieved. Her granddaughter giggles, too. ‘Go again!’ she cries. She does, and it’s not much better, but she doesn’t stop out of embarrassment. She just finishes. In the quiet later, when everyone else has gone, she sits in the lounge. Printed music on the table, a pencil for marking tough bits. Violin in its case, zipped but not put away. Standing by the wall—a reminder that it’s part of her day now. She sets a ten-minute timer on her phone—not to force herself, but to avoid burning out. Opens the case, checks the rosin, tightens the bow. Brings the violin to her chin and breathes. The sound is softer than this morning. It falters; she doesn’t curse, just adjusts and keeps trying for a steady note. When the timer rings, she finishes the bow stroke, carefully puts the violin away, and places the case by the wall—not back in the cupboard. She knows tomorrow will be the same: a little embarrassment, some fatigue, a few pure seconds worth opening the case for. And that’s enough to keep going.

I Saw It Happen She was closing up the office accounts when her manager poked her head out and softly asked if she could “pick up” the supplier report tomorrow—a gentle request you don’t refuse. She nodded, inventorying her day: picking up her son from school, stopping at the chemist for her mum’s tablets, checking homework at home. She’d long learned not to argue, not to stand out, never give anyone an excuse. At work, they called it reliability; at home, peace of mind. That evening, carrying a bag of groceries, she walked home from the bus stop, her son beside her, nose in his phone, negotiating “just five more minutes.” She answered, “Later”—because later always came soon enough. At the shopping centre crossroads, she waited at the green light, cars lined up, horns impatient. Stepping onto the zebra crossing, a dark SUV suddenly surged forward from the right lane, overtaking the queue and gunning for the fading green. The impact sounded dry and heavy, like a wardrobe falling. The SUV struck a white Ford just pulling onto the junction, spun it out, sending the rear towards the crossing. Shoppers scattered, kids pulled back. She managed to grab her son’s sleeve in time. A second of stillness, then someone screamed. The Ford’s driver slumped, dazed. In the SUV, the airbags deployed, and behind the cracked windscreen appeared a sharply dressed man already reaching for the door. Setting her shopping on the tarmac, she grabbed her mobile and dialled 999. The operator’s voice was steady—like it wasn’t happening here, now. “There’s been a collision at the shopping centre junction—injured at the scene,” she stated as evenly as possible. “The car spun onto the crossing, driver in the white Ford… I’m not sure if he’s conscious.” Her son stood pale, looking at her as if she’d suddenly become truly grown up. While she answered questions, a young man ran to the Ford, spoke to the driver. The SUV man exited confidently, surveyed the chaos, spoke into his mobile. Expensive coat, no hat; he moved as if this were a minor travel delay. Ambulance first, then police. The officer asked who witnessed the crash. She raised her hand—after all, she’d been right there. “Name, address, phone please,” he said, flipping open his notebook. “Just tell it as you saw.” She replied: SUV sped out from the right; Ford had the signal; there were people on the crossing. The officer nodded, jotting it all down. The SUV man drifted closer—not menacing, just enough to unsettle. “You sure?” he murmured. “There’s CCTV, you know.” “I said I saw it,” she replied, instantly regretting her firmness. He half-smiled and walked away. Her son tugged her sleeve. “Mum, can we go home?” The policeman handed back her ID, said she might be called in to clarify. She nodded, picked up her shopping, led her son through the estate. At home, she washed her hands for ages, though they were clean. Her son was quiet, then asked: “Will they send that man to prison?” “I don’t know. It’s not up to us,” she said. That night she dreamt of the crash, the SUV slicing through the air. At work next day, numbers blurred—her mind returned to the crossroads. After lunch, an unknown number called. “Afternoon, you witnessed the accident yesterday,” a polite male voice said. “Just want to reassure you—” “Who are you?” she asked. “Doesn’t matter. It’s an awkward situation—witnesses these days get pressured, dragged into court. Do you want that? You have your job, your son.” He spoke gently, like recommending laundry powder, and it scared her more. “No one’s pressuring me,” she said, voice trembling. “Good,” he replied. “Just say you’re not sure. It’s easier for everyone.” She ended the call, stared at her screen, then hid the mobile in her desk drawer as if dropping the whole conversation there. That evening after work, she visited her mum, who greeted her in a dressing gown and immediately launched into complaints about her blood pressure and muddled surgery records. “Mum,” she asked, sorting out the tablets, “if you saw a crash and people told you to ‘stay out of it,’ would you?” Her mother sighed. “I’d keep out. I’ve no need for heroics at my age. You shouldn’t either—with a child, you know?” The words stung, as if her mum doubted her strength. Next day, another call, another number. “We’re just concerned,” that familiar voice soothed. “The driver has family, job—mistakes happen. Witnesses end up dragged through it for years. Why deal with it? Maybe best to say you didn’t see the moment.” “I saw it,” she said. “You sure you want to get involved?” the voice cooled. “What school does your son go to?” She froze. “How do you know?” “Small town,” came the unfazed reply. “We’re just thinking of your peace.” She hung up, staring at her kitchen worktop. Her son quietly did homework. She locked the door with the chain, knowing it wouldn’t stop phone calls. A few days later, a man in a plain jacket stopped her at her building door. “You’re flat twenty-seven?” he asked. “Yes,” she replied, automatically. “About that crash—don’t worry,” he said, holding up his hands as if she were already backing off. “I’m a friend of friends. You don’t want years in court, do you? Let’s keep it civil. Say you’re unsure—done.” “I don’t take money,” she blurted. No idea why. “No one mentioned money,” he smiled. “Just… peace. You have a child—you get it. Unsettled times: in your son’s school, your job. Why bother with more?” He spat out “more” like it was rubbish to be binned. She walked past, silent, made it home, and realised her hands were shaking. Dropping her bag, she went straight to her son. “Don’t leave school on your own tomorrow—I’ll come for you,” she tried to sound casual. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Nothing,” she lied—for the first time, it felt alive and real. Monday brought a summons: she was called to the station to give evidence, identify the crash parties. The letter was official, with a seal. Tucking it in her folder felt like storing a heavy stone. That evening her manager kept her back. “So, some people came about you. Very polite: asked me not to stress you out, because you’re a witness. I don’t like that—it affects the whole team. Be careful.” “Who came?” she asked. “No names—just… confident types,” her manager shrugged. “As a friend, maybe stay out of it? We’ve got audits coming. If the calls start, it’s everyone’s problem.” She left, feeling stripped of not just speech but the safety she found in spreadsheets. At home, she told her husband. He listened quietly, finished his soup, finally asked: “You realise this could end badly?” “I do.” “Then why bother?”—not angry, just weary. “We’ve got the mortgage, your mum, the boy. You want us shaken up?” “I don’t,” she said. “But I saw it.” He looked at her as if she was being childish. “Saw it and forget it. You owe no one.” She didn’t argue. Arguing meant admitting she had a choice, and choice pressed heavier than threats. On the day, she woke early, packed her son’s breakfast, charged her mobile, took her passport and summons, texted her friend where she’d be, and when to expect her out. “Got it—let me know when you’re done,” her friend replied. The station smelt of paperwork and damp carpets. She hung her coat, approached the desk, and was sent to the detective’s office. He was young, tired, switched on the recorder. “You know the consequences of false statements?” “I do.” He went through questions with no pressure: where she’d stood, what was the traffic signal, which way the SUV came, how fast. She answered plainly, nothing extra. He finally looked up. “Anyone contacted you?” She hesitated. To say so meant admitting she’d been intimidated; not to meant facing it alone. “Yes,” she said. “Called. Came to my building. Told me to say I wasn’t sure.” He nodded, as if not surprised. “Got the numbers?” She showed him; he copied, asked for screenshots to the police email. Her fingers barely cooperated. Afterwards, she was asked to wait in the corridor for a line-up. On the bench, clutching her bag, she watched as the SUV man passed with his lawyer, murmuring quietly. He glanced at her: calm, tired, resigned—like he’d seen it all solved before. The lawyer paused. “You’re the witness?” he smiled. “Yes.” “Be careful with your wording,” he advised sweetly. “People confuse things under stress; you wouldn’t want consequences.” “I’ll tell the truth,” she replied. He raised his eyebrows. “Truth’s different for everyone.” Then walked away. In the next room, they showed her photos and asked her to identify the driver. She pointed, signed the statement. The pen made sharp lines on paper—comforting, leaving marks no threat could erase. It was dark when she left the station. She kept glancing back—though no one followed. On the bus, she sat close to the driver, like people who need some sense of safety. At home, her husband was silent. Her son peeked round the door. “Well?” he asked. “I told them what I saw.” Her husband sighed. “You know they won’t drop it?” “I do.” She didn’t sleep that night, listening for every door, every step on the stairs, each movement a warning. Morning, she took her son herself, asked his teacher not to release him to anyone—even someone “from Mum.” The teacher observed her, nodded with no questions. At work, even her manager spoke more brusquely. Less work was handed to her; she was now a risk. Colleagues glanced, quickly looked away. No one spoke outright, but a hollow space formed around her. Calls stopped for a week, then came a message from a faceless number: “Think about your family.” She showed it to the detective, who just said, “Logged. Let us know if there’s anything else.” She wasn’t protected, but her words hadn’t vanished. One night a ground-floor neighbour caught her at the lift. “Heard you’re involved in that thing—look, my husband’s home often, just call us if. We’ve been meaning to get a camera for the entrance—let’s split the cost and put one up.” The neighbour spoke plainly, no heroics, just like fixing the intercom. It made her throat sting. A month later, the detective called again. The case was going to court; there’d be more hearings. No promises of justice—just procedures, tests, diagrams. “Any more threats?” he asked. “No,” she said. “But I’m always waiting.” “That’s normal,” he replied. “Try to keep life as before. Report anything odd.” She left, thinking “normal” sounded alien. Life had changed. Now, she took different routes home, never left her son alone, used call recording, messaged her friend whenever she got indoors. She didn’t feel brave, just someone holding a line to keep from collapsing. In court, she saw the SUV man again: upright, attentive, taking notes, never glancing at her. That hurt more than a stare—she felt like paperwork. When asked if she was certain, fear surged. Images of her son at the gates, her manager, her mother urging her not to interfere. Yet she said, “Yes. I’m certain.” Afterwards, outside, she paused at the steps. Her hands were cold, gloves on. Friend texted: “How are you?” She replied, “Alive. Coming home.” She stopped at the corner shop for bread and apples—still had to make tea. The ordinariness was a strange comfort: life hadn’t stopped, it still asked for simple chores. At home, her son met her at the door. “Mum, are you still coming to the parents’ meeting?” She looked at him and knew she’d endured for the sake of that question. “I’ll be there. Dinner first though.” Later, locking door with both bolts, checking the chain, she realised it wasn’t panic—it was the new routine. This was the price of the calm she’d had to relearn. No victory, no gratitude, no hero status. Just the hard, clear knowledge: she hadn’t strayed from what she saw, and now she no longer needed to hide from herself.