Ive had three long-term relationships in my life. In each, I genuinely believed Id become a father. In all three, I left when things started to get serious around the topic of children.
The first woman I was with already had a young child. I was 27 at the time. To begin with, it honestly didnt bother me. I got used to her routine, the childs schedule, and all the responsibilities that came with it. But eventually, as we started talking about having a child together, months passed and nothing happened. She went to the doctor first. Everything was fine on her side. She started asking if Id been checked. Id just say there was no need, and it would happen when it happened. Yet, over time, I became restless irritable tense, really. We started arguing more and more, and one day, I simply walked away.
My second relationship was different. She didnt have children. From the outset, we both agreed we wanted a family. Years went by, and we kept trying. Every negative pregnancy test made me withdraw further into myself. She began crying more often. I started avoiding the topic altogether. When she suggested seeing a specialist together, I told her she was overreacting. I began coming home late, losing interest, feeling trapped. After four years together, we split up.
The third woman had two teenage sons already. She told me from the very start she was content, that we didnt need to have any more children. Still, the subject came up againactually, I was the one who brought it up. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. And, once more nothing. I started feeling out of place, as if Id taken up a role that wasnt really mine.
Something similar happened in all three relationships. It wasnt just disappointment. It was fear. Fear of sitting in front of a doctor and hearing that the problem was me.
I never had any medical tests done. Never received any definitive answer. It always felt easier to leave than to face a truth I wasnt sure I could handle.
Now Im over forty. I see my ex-partners with their families, with children who arent mine. Sometimes I wonder if I truly left because I was tired of it all or if I just didnt have the courage to stay and face what might have been happening to me.
