I think love has faded
Youre the most beautiful girl in this whole department, he told her back then, offering her a bouquet of daisies from the market outside the tube station.
Emily laughed, accepting the flowers. The daisies had the scent of summer and something quietly perfect about them. James stood there before her with the look of a man who knew exactly what he wanted. And what he wanted was her.
Their first date was in Hyde Park. James arrived with a tartan blanket, a flask of tea, and homemade sandwiches his mum had made. They sat on the grass until sunset. Emily would always remember his laughter, how he would throw his head back, the way he brushed her hand as if by mistake, the way he looked at herlike she was the only person in all of London.
Three months later, he took her to see a British comedy at the cinema. She didnt quite follow the plot but laughed right along with him. In six months, she met his parents. And after a year, he asked her to move in.
Were always together anyway, James said, running his fingers through her hair. Why keep paying for two flats?
Emily agreed. Not because of the moneyof course not. It was just that the world made sense when he was around.
Their little rented flat always smelt of roast on Sundays and freshly ironed sheets. Emily learned to make his favourite shepherds pie, with just the right amount of garlic and parsley, just like his mum made. In the evenings, James would read her articles out loud from magazines about business and finance. He dreamed of owning his own company. Emily listened, her cheek resting in her hand, believing every word.
They made plans. First, save for a deposit. Then, buy a flat. After that, a car. Children, of courseone boy, one girl.
Weve got all the time in the world, James would say, kissing her on the top of the head.
Emily nodded. Beside him, she felt invincible.
…Fifteen years together gathered up things, habits, rituals. A flat in a nice part of town, overlooking a leafy square. A twenty-year mortgage they paid off early, skipping out on holidays and nice restaurants. A silver Toyota parked in the driveJames picked it out himself, haggled with the dealer, and polished the bonnet to a mirror shine every Saturday.
Pride swelled inside hera warm, soothing wave. Theyd done it all themselves. No help from their parents, no connections, no good luck. Just hard work, thrift, and perseverance.
Emily never complained. Not even when she was so exhausted she would nod off on the tube and wake up at the end of the line. Not even when she wanted to drop everything and fly somewhere sunny. They were a team. Thats what James always said, and Emily believed him.
His wellbeing always came first. Emily learned that rule by heart, wove it into her DNA. Bad day at work? She made dinner, poured him a cuppa, listened. Clash with the boss? She ran her fingers through his hair, whispered that things would get better. Doubts? She found the right words, pulled him out of his gloom.
Youre my anchor, my harbour, my rock, James would say in those moments.
Emily smiled. To be someones anchorwasnt that happiness?
The rough patches came and went. The first, five years in. The company James worked for went bust. He was at home for three months, job hunting, growing more despondent with each day.
Then worse came. Colleagues stitched him up with some paperwork, and it cost him dearly. They had to sell the car to cover it.
Emily never reproached him. Not once. Not a word, not a look. She took on extra projects, worked late, scrimped on herself. Only one thing worried herhow he was coping. If he would break. If hed lose faith in himself.
…James bounced back. Found a new job, better than before. They bought the same silver Toyota again. Life fell back into place.
A year ago, they were sitting in their kitchen when Emily finally voiced what had been on her mind for ages.
Maybe its time? Im not twenty anymore. If we wait much longer…
James nodded. Calm and serious.
Lets get ready.
Emily held her breath. So many years of hoping, postponing, waiting for the right moment. And here it was.
Shed pictured it a thousand times. Tiny fingers wrapping around hers. The scent of talcum powder. First footsteps across their living room. James reading a bedtime story.
A baby. Their baby. At last.
Changes came immediately. Emily overhauled everythingher diet, her schedule, her routines. She started taking vitamins, saw doctors, did all the necessary tests. Her career slipped to the background, even though she was up for a promotion just then.
Are you sure? her manager asked, eyeing her over her glasses. Opportunities like this dont come often.
Emily was sure. A promotion meant business trips, long hours, stress. Not ideal for a pregnancy.
Id prefer to move to the local branch, she said.
Her manager shrugged.
The branch was fifteen minutes from home. The job was dull and routine, with no way up, but she could clock off at six and forget all about work on the weekends.
Emily adapted quickly. Her new colleagues were nice enough, if not particularly ambitious. She made her own lunches, took brisk walks during her break, went to bed before midnight. All for the future child, for the family theyd dreamed of.
The chill crept in quietly. At first, Emily didnt think much of it. James was working a lot, seemed tired. It happened.
But he stopped asking how her day was. He stopped wrapping his arms around her before bed. He stopped looking at her the way he used to, back when theyd just met and he called her the most beautiful girl on campus.
The flat grew quiet. Not the gentle quiet of home, but wrong, heavy quiet. They used to chatter for hoursabout work, about plans, about nonsense. Now James sat on his phone every evening, gave curt answers, and went to bed turned towards the wall.
Emily lay there, staring at the ceiling. Between them was a gulf the width of half a mattress.
Intimacy vanished completely. Two weeks, then three, then a month. Emily stopped counting. Her husband always had an excuse:
Im just knackered. Lets do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow never came.
She confronted him at last. One evening, mustering her courage, she blocked his way to the bathroom.
Whats going on? Please, the truth.
James didnt meet her gaze. He stared at the doorframe instead.
Everythings fine.
Thats not true.
Youre imagining things. Its just a phase. Itll pass.
He skirted around her, shut himself in the bathroom. The sound of running water filled the flat.
Emily stood in the hall, her hand pressed against her chest. It acheda constant, dull throb.
She lasted another month. Then she couldnt take it any longer.
Do you love me? she asked straight out.
A pause. A long, terrible pause.
I… I dont know what I feel for you anymore.
Emily sat down on the sofa.
You dont know?
James finally looked her in the eye. There was emptiness. Confusion. None of the fire that once blazed fifteen years ago.
I think the love is gone. Its been gone for a while. I didnt say anything because I didnt want to hurt you.
Emily lived through hell for months, not knowing the truth. She watched him, analysed each word, searched for explanations. Maybe work pressures. Maybe a midlife crisis. Maybe just a long spell of bad mood.
But hed simply stopped loving her. And he kept quiet, while she planned their future, gave up her career, prepared her body for motherhood.
The decision came suddenly. No more maybe, no more well see, no more lets wait and hope for the best. Enough.
Im filing for divorce.
James went pale. Emily saw his Adams apple bob in his throat.
Wait. Dont rush. We can try
Try?
Lets have a baby, yeah? Maybe that will fix things. People say kids bring couples together.
Emily laughed, bitterly, not caring how she sounded.
A baby would only make things worse. You dont love me. Why should we have children? So we can split up later with a baby caught in the middle?
James fell silent. He had nothing to say.
Emily left that day. She packed a bag with the essentials, rented a room from a friend. She filed for divorce a week later, once her hands stopped shaking.
The division of assets promised to be drawn out. The flat, the car, fifteen years of shared purchases and decisions. The solicitor talked about valuations, shares, negotiations. Emily nodded, wrote things down, tried not to think about how their lives now came down to square feet and horsepower.
Soon enough she found herself a little one-bedroom to rent. Emily learned to live alone. Cook for one. Watch telly in the quiet. Stretch out right across the bed.
At night, the memories crashed in. She pressed her face to the pillow and remembered. Daisies from the market. Picnics in Hyde Park. His laughter, his hands, his voice whispering, youre my anchor.
The pain was unbearable. You cant throw fifteen years out of your heart like old clothes.
But something else pushed through the pain. Relief. A sense of rightness. Shed made it in time. She stopped before tethering herself to this man with a child. Before resigning herself to years in a loveless marriage for the sake of family.
Thirty-two years old. Her whole life ahead.
Scary? Terrifying.
But shed manage. She had no other choice.
