27April
It feels as though everything has reached its breaking point, and yet I am still expected to keep my composure. When my husband tells me, Alice, please stop it already! Its impossible to live under the same roof with you like this, I can hear the frustration in his voice, the accusation that I have locked myself away. He asks whether Im being kept indoors, as if I were a prisoner, and then tells me to go out for a walk if anyone is stopping me. His words sting, but I cant help feeling that hes rightperhaps I have driven myself into this corner.
I sit by the large bay window in the sitting room, watching the park outside turn dull with the greys of autumn. From the street it looks like a perfect life: a loving husband, a baby on the way, a spacious terraced house we bought on a mortgage. Im twentyfive, and on the surface I look the part of the successful young professional, yet inside a thick, sticky gloom has settled for months now.
The apathy began after my only serious attempt at a career collapsed. Three years ago I moved to London, hoping to make something of my psychology degree, but after only two months of work the promised promotion fell through and everything crumbled. Since then my confidence has plummeted. Interviews set up through acquaintances never turned into anything, and Ive become increasingly terrified of people.
The irony is cruel: with a psychology degree I should be equipped to understand the world, yet it now serves only as a bitter reminder of how far I am from the competence I once imagined. The emptiness of our large house presses down harder because my husband, a few years older, works long hours. When I finally tried to share my burden, he brushed me off with a curt, Enough, Alice! Stop nagging, youre giving me a bad vibe. I try not to remind him of my presence, especially since he provides for us financially. Theres no pressure for money, but his occasional snide remarks cut deep.
He might say, You never appreciate what I do, even though I spend almost nothing on myself. His family adds another layer of strain. My motherinlaw disliked me from the moment we met. Im not particularly sociable, so I stay out of the endless gossip, which only seems to irritate her further. I recall thinking, She thinks our family is a bunch of swindlers, when I remember the prewedding hustle. She insisted on a prenuptial agreement, demanding proof of our seriousness. My husbands parents sent a gift of £1,200a significant sum for a family from a small villagebut it didnt soften her attitude. Her constant backhanded compliments and the thin veil of politeness at family gatherings wear me out.
My relationship with my own father has been a disaster since childhood. Having to beg him for money even for basic meals left a deep scar. Recently he drew a line, saying over the phone, Stop begging, Alice. Ask your husband! Youre married now, Im not obliged to support you. I was too ashamed to ask Dave for help. After that I cut off all contact, yet the humiliation lingers.
The pregnancy gave me a brief respite; my motherinlaw seemed to calm down for a while. At the same time, Dave began coming home even later, often returning after dark. I tell myself I need to get out more, but my fear of people is paralysing. Going out alone feels like an act of braveryDave refuses to accompany me, always saying hes too busy.
Things are further complicated by Daves younger sister, whom I helped gain a place at a university in the capital. After receiving my assistance she turned hostile, snapping at me, calling me incompetent, or simply ignoring me as if I didnt exist. My mother once complained, She talks to me like Im a dog. What have I done wrong? Ive always tried to help. One evening, when Dave finally sat down in the lounge, I gathered my courage.
I need to talk about whats happening between us, I said quietly. He set his phone aside.
What about, Alice? Ive had a terrible day. If youre about to start whining, dont even begin. Im exhausted.
I cant live like this any longer, Dave. I feel utterly useless. His voice hardened.
Youre talking nonsense. You have everythingthis house, me, a baby on the way. Whats wrong with you? he snapped.
On the surface, maybe. Inside I feel like I dont belong. Im terrified to leave the house, Im scared of people, I cant work. Its not laziness, its something deeper.
Well, youre a psychologist, he smirked, the sarcasm cutting. A shoemaker without shoes, perhaps? Youve trapped yourself in fear. Pull yourself out and live like a normal person.
You dont understand. Its not fear, its alienation. After I lost the job, I lost my bearings. And your mother her attitude is unbearable.
Dont start on my mother. She can be harsh, I know that. But shes an older woman and she worries about me.
I forced a weak smile. She worries well deceive her? That were not what she thought we were? She still doesnt believe in our marriage, I feel it. Dave, she thinks Im some sort of fraud.
Youre dramatising, Alice. Just find something to do. Visit a friend, go for a walk in the park. Clean the flat! I come home to a mess every night.
I have no friends here, and Im scared to go out alone! And you told me I give you a bad vibedo you think that makes me stronger? I need support, Dave.
Im tired of your endless complaints! I work to provide for you, and you just moan.
Im not asking you to provide everything! I need your supportyour attention, your care, at least a little empathy. I feel like Im beneath the floorboards, and you make it worse.
Enough! he exploded. You act like an ungrateful spouse.
Tears rose, threatening to spill, but I swallowed them down.
I dont feel like your wife; I feel like a servant in this house, spoiling the picture of prosperity you try to paint. Your sister is rude, your mother spins intrigues, and you keep telling me I give you negative vibes.
Maybe youre the one provoking them, he retorted.
The conversation ended in silence. He stood and retreated to the bedroom without a word. I sat in the lounge, realising that trying to pour my heart out only reinforced the wall between us. The humiliation from my father, the constant undermining from my motherinlaw, the career failureeverything has coalesced into a massive knot choking my breath.
***
The next morning I made a decision. I cant change my motherinlaw or my father, but I can change how I react to them. I could shut down completely, retreat into a shell, cut off all contact with the world. But Im about to become a mother, and for the sake of the child I must try to fix things.
I opened my laptopsomething I havent done in agesand logged into an old socialmedia account. Among the contacts were people from my old life who might be able to help.
Hi, Kate. I need help. I feel completely lost, I typed to a former university mate who now runs a private practice. She replied quickly, offering to have a call. When we spoke, for the first time in a long while I felt truly heard, without judgment or the expectation that I be grateful.
Alice, you cant help yourself while you stay isolated. Your pregnancy is stressful, and your husbandhe isnt a psychologist; he simply doesnt know how to support you.
How do I get out of this fear of the world? I cant work, I cant even run to the shopjust the thought of stepping out makes me shake
Well start small. Tell me each day how you feel, honestly, without sugarcoating. I wont abandon you.
I began working with Kate online, digging into the childhood wounds tied to my father and also confronting my present state. The fear didnt vanish overnight, but I kept chipping at it. I managed to have a calmer talk with Dave about the future, this time without accusations.
Im starting to work remotely. Its both therapy and a profession for me. I wont ask for money; Ill earn my own.
Dave looked surprised.
What job is that?
The crisis helpline is hiring operators. Ill talk to women caught in difficult situations, and by listening Ill help both them and myself.
Dave shrugged.
Well, you are a psychologist. Give it a go. It cant get any worse.
Under Kates careful guidance Im slowly reshaping my life. Progress is painstaking, but I finally feel Im needed somewhere. The work brings a sense of purpose; I am genuinely useful. Over time I hope to reclaim the woman I once was. The main goal is to ensure my state never harms the baby. Pulling myself out of this depression is essentialI no longer doubt that Im in a depressive spiral, but Im determined to climb out.
