Instead of Me
My stepmother could plainly see that Emily had no interest in marrying the widower, not because he had a young daughter or was a bit older, but because she was simply frightened of him. His piercing stare seemed to cut right through you, making your heart pound with such fear it felt as if it were trying to escape his gaze. Emily would often stare at the floor, reluctant to meet his eyes, and when she did, it was obvious they brimmed with tears. Those tears rolled down her rosy, embarrassed cheeks like a sudden downpour. Her hands shook, and her little fists almost seemed ready to fight back against my stepmother and the groom she presented.
But her tongue betrayed hercurse itand she blurted, Ill go.
Well, thats settled then,” my stepmother announced. “Anyone would be pleased to be in that house, married to such a man. He always doted on his first wife, she wasnt much good at houseworkweak and sickly, always coughing. Hed slow his pace for her, never shouting, unlike your late father, God rest him. When she became pregnant, she was barely seen out and about, mostly bedridden, and after their daughter was born, he tended to the child at night while his wife wasted away. His mother would say, Youre the picture of health, hell treat you like a queen. Youre skilled, you spin and weave, youre wasted on these daft young men. Hes honest, everything out in the openwe all know what hes about. What luck for you, Emily!
She fussed, planning to distil some gin for the evening since widowers dont need a grand weddingno need to upset the memory of the departed with music and dancing. No dowry was needed; hed said his house wanted for nothing.
Thomas married for love the first time. He knew Clara was often unwell and frail, and though his mother insisted he needed a strong wife, all he wanted was Clara. People in the village whispered he’d been bewitchedonly someone enchanted would choose such a difficult life, they said.
Doctors warned her lungs were terribly weak. Even a passing chill moved swiftly to pneumonia or worse. Still, Thomas believed his love would ward off death, imagining devotion would cure all. In the beginning, they were a happy, laughing couple, so pleased with their quiet joys.
But when Clara was pregnant, she grew so withdrawn and exhausted that she couldnt even plait her wonderful hair. The doctors said it was just pregnancy, that shed grow strong again. Thomas cared for her tenderly and without complaint, though his mother chided him ceaselessly for bringing a problem, not a wife, into the house. Thomas defended Clara, even asking his mother to stay away.
Clara gave birth to a girl, and Thomas hoped this would bring them joy again. For a short while, it did, but Clara soon caught a chill she never recovered from. She was taken to hospital, where the doctor said plainly, Her lungs are giving out. Clara knew the truth, tried to hide her pain, forced smiles for her husband and daughter, but her eyes revealed her fear for the future. Her bones pressed against her skin, her hands and shoulders thin and wasted. It was obviousdeath hovered close, biding its time.
One day, understanding her time was short, Clara asked Thomas to listen. No one can change Gods will, she told him. Our love has fought for long enough. Forgive me, and forgive our girl. I was born unlucky, and brought sorrow to you both.
Thomas took her feverish hands and kissed them. He heard in her ragged breathing the urgency of her final words. Through tears, she said all she neededto love and care for their daughter. Then, very slowly, she told him, Marry Emily. Shell make a good wife and mothershes had her share of hardship, with her difficult stepmother, her drunken father. I know her well, and so does your mother. Emily is kind, hardworking, and gentle. She wont harm our girl. Shell love you, Thomas. Treat her as you did me, as if somewhere inside her Im still beside you. Clara paused, her voice faltering. My soul is as dark with worry for our daughter as my lungs are with illness. But your fate is in your hands, as God wills. Only, dont ever harm our child, or may I curse you from beyond the grave. With all her remaining strength, she squeezed his hand.
Thomas sobbed, blinded by tears, as Clara slipped awayher face serene, eyes fixed. He kissed her from head to toe, clutching her as he made promises to do as shed asked. Thats why, a year after her death, he went to propose to Emily.
My stepmother was well prepared, no doubt advised by Thomass mother-in-law, who wanted her granddaughter to have a loving mother and her son-in-law content. Ill herself, she worried she had little time left and wanted to see her family settled.
The formal proposal seemed a blur, but seeing how much his daughter ached for a mother, Thomas followed his late wifes wish. Hed observed Emilyso obedient, composed, and pretty, with a plait and smile oddly reminiscent of Claras. At times, he longed to hold her, just to remember his wife.
Emily herself could hardly explain why shed agreed to marry Thomas. Perhaps shed tired of serving her stepmother, of fetching her drunken father home, of her sisters taunts. Perhaps she pitied Thomass little girl.
Whatever the reason, once shed consented, she realised loving Thomas and earning his affection would be another trial.
After the proposal, Thomas wanted Emily to meet his daughter, Lily. Clara had seldom gone out, spending almost every moment with the girl. Late at night, Id seen the way Clara whispered over Lily, as if giving her advice and comfort to last a lifetime. Even recalling it now, my heart aches.
Lily was a homebody, never trusting strangers, her little world containing only father, mother, and her grandmothers. Thomas brought Emily round hoping shed get acquainted with Lily without the overbearing stepmother, who behaved as if at last an unwanted cow was leaving the yard.
Alone with Thomas, Emily mostly fell quiet. She saw, to her surprise, that he wasnt at all stern but careful and courteous. He asked her directly if she loved another; hed step aside if so. He never mentioned the promise hed made Clara.
Emily was stunned by Thomass homebeautiful hand-built furniture, many colourful embroidered pictures in intricate wooden frames, bright spacious rooms. Lily took an immediate shine to Emily, bringing out toys and asking her to play, touching her gently, staring up with curious eyes. Emily hugged her several times during the games, lightly smoothing Lilys thick hair, so like her mothers.
Shall I do your hair? Youd be a perfect princess with a new style, Emily suggested.
Thomas watched, moved to tears by the sight. Hed feared Lily wouldnt accept Emilysince Claras death, Lily had constantly asked when her mum was coming home, as if expecting her to walk through the door any moment. Thomas tried to explain, but three-year-old Lily didnt want explanations, just a warm, loving mother.
He knew, try as he might, he could never be both parents. No fathers love can replace a mothers gentle care.
He watched nervously to see whether Emilys kindness was real. When Lily grew upset at Emily leaving and clung to her, Thomas felt his worries ease.
Lily dragged Emily to her little bedroom, tidied the blankets, and bounced on the bed with glee. Emily remembered her own pasther stepmothers stinginess with bread, hiding sweets for her own daughters, beating her hands for shoddy chores, always making her wear patched hand-me-downs, and lying awake worried about her drunken father on the floor. She remembered her stepmothers threatsthat shed marry her off to the first man whod take herand all those curses.
Choking back her emotions, Emily hugged Lily tight and lay beside her until the girl fell into a deep and peaceful sleep. Thomas, overcome with happiness, barely knew how to act around Emily. They drank tea together, just smiling at one another. Thomas couldnt bear to send her backshe belonged with him now.
A wife is meant to be with her husband, not sent back where shes unwanted.
Tonight, in my diary, I write: There may be times when lifes path seems determined by duty or the wishes of others. But kindness, patience, and understanding can plant seeds of new happiness where sorrow has grown. In choosing to follow loves humble requests, I learned that we can become the strength and warmth for someone else that we once wished for ourselves.
