Im 89 years old. They tried to scam me over the phone. But I was an engineer.
The phone rang that Tuesday morning while I was sipping peppermint tea and working through a crossword puzzle. At 93, my mind is still as quick as when I wrote code for those enormous computers back in the 60s.
Mrs. Middleton? came a syrupy voice on the other end. Im calling regarding some irregular activity on your account. Weve detected unusual transactions.
Oh, here we go again.
Oh, how dreadful! I replied, feigning a shaky, old-lady tone. What should I do, young man?
We need you to confirm your bank card number.
Of course, of course let me just find my spectacles I let the silence hang. Do you know, perhaps you could tell me the last four digits, and Ill confirm them? Just so I know youre truly legitimate.
An awkward pause.
Thats not how it works, madam. We need the full number.
I see, I sighed. Could I just ask the line youre calling from, is it using the standard VoIP protocol, or have you gone for point-to-point encryption?
Another pause.
Madam, you just need to
Im only curious because, as we speak, I continued calmly, Ive already traced your IP address. Fascinating, actually looks like a call from a high street internet café. You know, I spent forty years designing security systems. Systems engineer, that was me. Quite the education in human nature.
Er madam
And one more thing, I added. Ive just activated a little script on my line. Its pulling data from your device as we speak. Would you like me to read off your contacts, or shall I just send them on to the proper authorities?
I heard him swallow.
Thats illegal
Illegal? I chuckled. Son, I was writing code before your grandmother took her first steps. And for your information, Im recording every wordthe conversation and the metadata. Want to know the best bit? I can see your screen. Hello, Kevin. Nice profile picture. Does your mum know what youre up to?
Click.
Hed hung up.
I laughed so hard I nearly spilt my tea. Then I rang my grandsonthe same one who always claims I cant manage the internet at my age.
Charlie, I said when he answered, Ive just outwitted a scam artist who tried to nick my money. Still think your gran doesnt know her way around technology?There was a moments stunned silence, then Charlie burst into laughter. Gran, youre a legend. Next time someone calls, maybe let me handle it?
I grinned and glanced at my reflection in the kitchen windowwrinkles deep with years, but eyes still sharp. Next time, darling, I promised, Ill save them for you. But fair warning: youll have big shoes to fill.
Outside, a blackbird trilled on the hedge as I returned to my crossword. Four across: Outsmarts the trickster, six letters.
I penciled in my answer with a steady handwisdom.
And with a smile, took another sip of tea.
