I can’t be your mum, and I can’t promise to love you, but I will take care of you, and you shouldn’t take it personally. Honestly, you’ll still be better off with us than in a children’s home.
Today has been a rough one. John was at his sister’s funeral. She was a handful, but she was his own flesh and blood. They hadn’t seen each other in about five years, and then this tragedy happened.
Claire did her best to support John, taking on most of the practicalities to make things easier for him.
But, after the funeral, there was another important matter to sort out. John’s sister, Emily, had left behind a little boy. All the relatives who’d come to say goodbye to Emily seemed to instinctively pass the responsibility to her younger brother.
Who else but his uncle should look after the boy? So, no one really questioned itit was simply understood to be the right thing to do.
Claire understood, and, to be fair, she wasnt entirely against it. But she had one reservation: she never wanted childrenher own or anyone else’s.
Shed made that decision ages ago, and was honest with John about it before they married. He just brushed it off; who seriously thinks about children in their early twenties? No kids, no worriestheyd agreed to live for themselves, and that was that, ten years ago.
Now, she had to welcome a child she barely knew into their home. There was no option. John would never agree to put his nephew in care, and Claire couldnt bring herself to suggest it.
She knew shed never love this child, and certainly couldnt be a mother to him. The boy seemed far more grown up and clever than his years, so Claire decided just to be straight with him.
William, would you rather live with us, or go to a childrens home?
I’d like to live at home, on my own.
But youre only seven. You cant live on your own, so you have to choose.
Then Id rather be with Uncle John.
Alright, youll come with us, but I have to tell youI’m not going to be your mum, and I’m not going to love you. But I will look after you, and you mustn’t get upset about it. Youll be better off with us than in a childrens home.
So, they sorted out the immediate paperwork and finally went home.
Claire thought that, after that chat, she neednt pretend to be the caring aunt. She could just get on with things. Feeding him, washing his clothes, helping with his homework was finepouring her heart into it was not on the table.
Little William now constantly reminded himself that he wasnt loved, and to avoid being sent to a childrens home he had to behave perfectly.
Back at their house, they decided William would have the smallest room. But it needed redoing from top to bottom for him.
Picking out wallpaper, furnishings, and decorations was exactly Claires thing. She threw herself into prepping the new bedroom for him.
William got to choose the wallpaper; Claire handled the rest. She didnt skimp on moneyafter all, she wasnt stingy, just not fond of childrenso the room turned out beautiful.
William was over the moon. He only wished his mum could see his new room. And oh, if only Claire could love him. She was good and kind, just not the type to love children.
He often thought about that before falling asleep.
William found joy in the smallest thingsa trip to the circus, zoo, amusement park. His enthusiasm started to rub off on Claire, and she started enjoying these outings, too. She found herself loving the process of surprising him and watching his reactions.
In August, she and John were meant to fly off for a beach holiday, and a trusted relative was planning to look after William for ten days.
But, almost at the last second, Claire changed her mind. She suddenly really wanted William to see the sea. John was a bit taken aback, but secretly thrilledhed grown very attached to the boy.
William was practically giddy. If only he was lovednever mind, at least hed see the sea!
The trip was a hit. Warm days, sweet fruit, and everyone in high spirits. But all good things must end, and they came back home.
Everyday life resumed: work, home, school. But somehow something in their little family felt differenta gentle excitement, the feeling that something special might happen.
And then the miracle happened. Claire came back from holiday expecting. How was that possible, after years of avoiding such surprises?
She didnt know what to doshould she tell John or handle it herself? After William arrived, she wasnt sure John was still dead set against kids anymore. He adored William, played with him, even took him along to football matches.
No, one act of bravery was enoughshe wasnt ready for another just yet. So, she quietly made her choice.
Claire was sitting in the clinic when she got a call from school. William had been rushed to hospitalpossible appendicitis. Well, everything else would have to wait.
She rushed to A&E. William lay pale and shivering on the hospital bed. The moment he saw Claire, he burst into tears.
Claire, please dont go, Im scared. Just for today, could you be my mum? Please, just this once, Ill never ask again.
He gripped her hand for dear life, sobbing uncontrollably. It was like all his fear came pouring out. Shed only ever seen him cry once beforeat the funeral.
Now, he was inconsolable.
Claire pressed his hand to her cheek.
My boy, hang in there. The doctor will be here soon, and itll be alright. Im here, and Im not leaving.
God, she loved him so much in that moment. This wide-eyed little boy was suddenly the most precious thing she had.
All that childfree nonsenseridiculous. Tonight, she would tell John about the baby-to-be. The decision came as William squeezed her hand tighter and tighter, trying to cope with the pain.
Ten years have gone by.
Today, Claires celebrating a big birthdayshe’s 45. Therell be friends, family, and blessings. But right now, with a cup of coffee, she sat reminiscing.
How quickly life has flown by. The wild years, the young years. Now shes a womana happy wife and mum to two wonderful children. William is nearly 18, Sophie is 10, and she regrets nothing.
Well, except one thingthose words about not loving. If only William didnt remember those, if only hed forgotten. After that day at the hospital, Claire tried as often as possible to tell him how much she loved him, but whether he remembered that first heart-to-heart, she never dared to ask.
