My mother-in-law announced yesterday, Ill have to live with you for a while. To be frank, my wifes reaction floored her.
Listen, Kate, I said, nervously running my hand through my hair. Mums in a difficult spot.
What sort of spot? Kate settled into the armchair, eyes locked on me. A week ago, she had her own flat, a job, plans for the future. Now, all of a sudden, shes desperate for our help?
I sighed heavily. I knew Id have to tell Kate the entire truth, however embarrassing. How do you explain to your wife that your mums gone and done something foolish again?
It all started with a phone call that Saturday morning.
Mum rang, her voice uncharacteristically quiet and uncertain: Tom, love, Ive got myself into a bit of a pickle.
Whats up, Mum?
Well she hesitated. Do you remember Mr. Philips, my neighbour I told you about?
I tensed. Mr. Philipsthat pensioner with a knack for mischiefhad been buttering Mum up for months. Id warned her the bloke was dodgy, but she never listened.
What about him?
Hes a conman, Tom. I I lent him some money. Lots of it. Got a receipt, of course. Turns out, its not worth the paper its written on. Now hes vanished.
I felt ice settling in my chest.
How much, Mum?
Nearly all my savings, she whispered. And I put my flat up to the bank as security. Figured Id pay it off quickly, but now They want their money back fast and I havent got a penny.
Mum, how could you?
He said he was starting a business! Promised to pay me back with interest in six months! Mum broke down sobbing. I thought maybe this would all work out, maybe Id get married again, wanted to help him.
Mum, calm down. What can we do now?
She rallied, voice taking its old firm tone: Ive got a plan. If I sell the flat right away, I can pay the bank off. Then Ill move in with you. Theres plenty of room in your place, three bedrooms.
Head throbbing, I muttered, But Mum, the flats owned by Kate.
She bristled at this. Tom! Have you forgotten all Ive done for you? Youre saying your wife would throw your own mother onto the street?
Nobodys throwing you anywhere, Mum.
Good! Its settled. Ive rang the estate agent. Paperwork will be done by Wednesday, the movers are booked for Thursday. Youll set aside a room for meI dont take up much space.
I need to talk to Kate, Mum.
What for? Her tone went steely. Arent you the man of the house? Its your family! Your duty to look after me!
Technically, Mum, its Kates place.
Is that so? Mum sounded personally wounded. Youre living off her? Are you kept now? Shameful, Tom!
Mum, thats not the point.
Thats it, then. Youll help me with the move, tomorrow morning.
She hung up.
I looked at my phone and groaned. How was I meant to explain this to Kate?
Kate came home from yoga around seven, cheerful and relaxed. I was cooking dinnera sure sign something needed discussing.
Whats happened? She hung up her jacket.
Mum called.
Her smile faded a touch. Her relationship with my mum was, lets say, frosty.
And?
Shes landed herself in trouble.
What sort of trouble?
I relayed the entire mess with Mr. Philips and the missing money. Kate listened silently, shaking her head now and then.
And now? she asked when I’d finished.
She wants to move in with us.
Kate sat at the table and asked, And what do you think?
I think she doesnt have any other choice.
Really? Kate raised an eyebrow. What about renting? Staying with other relatives? There are support services for the elderly, arent there?
Shes my mum, Kate.
So she gets to rearrange our lives as she pleases? Kate leaned back. Lets be honest: your mother cant stand me. Four years married, shes never missed a chance to let me know Im useless.
I couldnt argue. It was true.
Remember what she said at Vickys birthday? Kate pressed on. A proper housewife never buys ready-made pies; she bakes her own. Right after Id got home at nine oclock?
She didnt mean it in a bad way.
Didnt she? Kate let out a bitter laugh. What about those digs about real wives having babies in the first two years? Or her habit of rearranging my things because they belong in the right spot?
I rubbed my forehead. Small things on their own, but together it was all too much.
Shes bossy. Likes being in control, I tried.
Exactly! Kate stood. Do you want her in our home, controlling everything?
But where else can she go?
Shes an adult. She can figure this out herself, Kate said firmly. Shell have cash after the flat saleshe can rent somewhere or buy a smaller place.
All the money goes straight to cover her bank debt.
Then she can go to the council or look for work. Plenty of seventy-year-olds work these days.
Kate, are you serious?
I am. She looked straight at me. I wont share a roof with someone who despises me. Its not about whose names on the deed. I wont let our home become a battleground.
Maybe just for a while? I suggested feebly. Until she finds something?
Really, Tom? Kate shook her head. Do you genuinely think shell look for anything else? Shes engineered this so theres no option but us.
You reckon shes done this on purpose?
What do you think? Kate went to the window. Shes seventy, spent her life as an accountant. Doesnt know not to hand all her savings to a stranger? Of course she knew. Shes used this to get what she wantedall roads lead to us!
I was silent, knowing she might have a point.
Tom, Kate said quietly, turning back, I love you. But I wont let anyoneeven your motherwreck our marriage.
I walked over and hugged her.
What should I do?
Exactly what grown men do, she said. Tell your mum you love her, but youve got your own family and life to lead.
She wont understand.
Then thats her problemnot yours.
I called Mum the next day. It was rough.
What do you mean ‘youre not ready’? Mum snapped. Its all sorted! The flats sold!
Mum, we can help with money. We can help find a rental and pay a few months deposit.
Money? Mum sniffed. I have a son, a family! I dont need charity!
Its not charity, Mum. Its my decision.
Your decision? Hurt crept into her voice. I gave you everything. My whole life! And this is how you repay me?
Im grateful, Mum. But Im a grown man. I have my own family now.
Family? Thats me! Mum near-shouted down the phone. Not her!
Mum, enough.
Enough, is it? Mums voice turned to ice. Fine. Youve made your choice. Dont expect me to call when things go wrong!
She hung up.
I told Kate everything.
She says Ive betrayed her, I admitted.
Classic guilt trip, Kate replied, calmly. Shell get used to it. My own mum did something similar after Dad diedtried moving in, got cross when I refused. Now shes gladgot her own life, her own friends.
But what if she gets ill?
Well help. But that doesnt mean she lives with us.
That week, things were tense. Then my sister, Emma, called.
Tom, she said, worried, Mums in hospital. Heart attack.
What? How?
Doctors say it was all the stressselling the flat, fighting with you.
Guilt washed over me.
How is she?
Shes miserable. Keeps asking for you. Says, Hell only care when hes putting me in the ground.
Emma, thats
I know shes pulling your strings. But Im still worried.
That evening, I told Kate the bad news.
Lets go visit her, Kate said unexpectedly.
You mean it?
Absolutely. She needs to see we care.
At the hospital, Mum looked tiny and fragile in her bed. When we entered, she turned her back.
Mum, I said quietly. How are you?
Do you care? she whispered, refusing to look at me.
Mum, Kate stepped in, Can we talk?
Mum slowly turned. About what?”
We know youre in a tough spot. We want to helpbut on terms thatll work for everyone.
I dont want your pity.
This isnt pity, Kate said gently. Its concern. We’ll help you find a nice flat, and pay the rent. Well visit, have you for holidays. But we cant all live together.
Why not? Mum asked, and some of the fight was gone.
Because you need your own spaceand so do we. Youre used to running your own house. Weve got our own habits, our own life rhythm.
What if I get ill?
Well come, whatever the day or night. But you dont have to live with us for that.
Mum was silent for a long time, then quietly asked, Will you really help me find somewhere nice?
Of course, Kate said.
And youll visit?
Definitely. And well have you overafter all, youre going to be grandma to our children.
Mums eyes filled with tears. Children?”
Were planning, Kate smiled.
I had thought thought you didn’t want me around at all, Mum whispered.
We do, Kate reassured.
A month later, we helped Mum move into a snug two-bedroom flat near the park. We found her nice neighbours and helped her settle. She signed up for a craft club, made a new friendanother lively pensioner.
Now she pops in once a week, and when Kate gave birth to a baby girl a year on, Mum became the best granny there was.
Do you know,” she told Kate one day, it was for the best you stood your ground. If Id moved in, Id have lost all my spark. Now, I have so much going on!
Kate smiled and said, We did the right thing.
Holding my daughter in my arms, I couldnt help but reflect: how important it is to say noeven to those you love. Sometimes its the only way to keep love alive.
Looking back, Ive learnt that boundaries can save relationships, not destroy them. If ever you find yourself in a position where relatives expect you to solve their problems at your expense, rememberits all right to say no. It just might be the kindest thing you do.
