I still remember how I turned my back on my mother and felt the weight of my own guilt.
You cant refuse your own mother! my mum, Margaret, declared emphatically. I only need to stay with you for a week while we get the house repaired. Is it that youre sorry to lose a few square metres for me?
She had called for the third time that morning, each ring more urgent than the last.
Mum, were as cramped as sardines in a tin, I tried to explain, hoping the words would reach her. Tom is asleep on the sofa because Lucy and Harry need a separate room. Where could I put you? On the balcony?
I couldnt lie to myself. I had two teenage children and a husband, John, a software developer who had been unemployed for half a year. We lived in a modest twobedroom council flat in a quiet suburb of Manchester. My own mother lived in another town, and my younger sister Lucy had always been Mums favourite.
Oh, come now. Youll always find room for your mother youre such a good housekeeper! Mum switched to a flattering tone, and I felt a sudden itch on my palms.
That tone had haunted me since childhood. It was the same voice that once said:
Emily, youre grown enough to look after Lucy while I pop into the tea shop, right?
I was ten then, Lucy only two. Instead of doing my homework or playing with dolls, I genuinely sat with my little sister
Mum, I cant talk right now, I lied. The milk is about to run out. I hung up, poured myself a cup of coffee, and knew full well Mum would not let it go.
An hour later she called again, this time from a different angle.
Emily, darling, you understand Lucy is getting married, dont you? Harry is a fine young man from a respectable family his parents even run a dental practice! Imagine that. Of course, the newlyweds will need their own place. I cant crowd them with my presence.
That was the point, I thought. The renovation had nothing to do with it
So theyll be living with you? I asked, my patience fraying.
Yes.
How can you be a nuisance to me but not to them? I blurted before I could bite my tongue.
Nora! Mum gasped. How can you speak to your own mother like that? I raised you, I didnt sleep a nights rest for you!
Shed indeed raised me, especially when I turned fifteen and she sent Lucy and me to our grandmothers cottage in the countryside, while she pursued a new romance with yet another candidate. Grandmother would only shake her head and say:
Oh dear, the girls never get a break with their mother
I tried to keep my voice even. Mum, why not let Lucy and Harry rent a flat? Or perhaps his parents could help after all, they own a dental practice
Why would they spend money on rent when theres a lovely threebedroom house available? Mum replied. They need to save for a car, for children! And you youre selfish, thats what you are! Ive always known that!
Something inside me snapped. I had held on as long as I could, but now I could no longer stay silent.
Selfish? Me? Mum, are you serious? When I was sixteen I worked in a café to support you. When I bought a computer for Lucy instead of a prom dress, that was for her education. When I gave the little money wed saved for my wedding to you and my stepfather for that urgent operation, which turned out to be a holiday abroad?
Emily, stop your tantrum! Mum shrieked. You always exaggerate and play the victim!
Im not playing victim; Im simply refusing to be one any longer, I said, my tone as flat as a stone.
A silence settled over the line as Mum weighed my words.
What nonsense are you spouting? she finally said. Emily, pull yourself together!
Mum, I will not house you, I sighed. Not for a week, not for a day. Live with Lucy, find a flat, or ask Harrys parents for help. I have my own family, my own problems, and I will no longer solve yours at my own expense.
Youll youll regret this, Mum forced out. When Im gone youll weep at my grave and beg for forgiveness! It will be too late! Remember my words!
As a child those words had cut deep. Id wept, felt guilty, and once more bowed to her wishes. But I was no longer a little girl. I said my goodbyes coldly and hung up.
A week passed. Mum stopped calling, and I almost convinced myself that it was over. How naïve I was!
On a Saturday morning the phone rang again. Seeing Lucys number flash on the screen, I sensed a storm was about to break, and I was right.
Emily! Lucy wailed. Emily, what have you done? Harry has left! He abandoned me! And its all because of you!
Lucy, calm down! I shouted. What happened?
Mums gone mad! Lucy sobbed. She said you refused to let her stay with us, that shes nobody, so shell live with us! Harry stayed three days and then ran away! He said he cant live like this, that Im suffocating him with my advice and control! Emily, its all your fault!
My head is spinning, I managed. Mum wanted to give you and Harry her flat. Is that right?
Yes! We thought wed stay there until we could save for our own place. We were expecting Mum to move in with you. And now Lucy broke down again.
Now youre saying that because you wont help us, we must care for her in her old age! And Harry Harry said its either her or him!
And you chose Mum?
What else could I do? Its my mother! But now hes gone, and its all because of you! If youd taken her in, none of this would have happened!
How cinematic, I mused to myself.
Lucy, I said, your relationship didnt fall apart because of me, nor because of Mum. It broke because of the choices you made. You could have found a solution youre an adult now. You could have rented a flat, moved out as many do when they have nowhere of their own. You could have spoken with Harry and reached a compromise. Instead you took the easy road and blamed me.
Youre heartless! Lucy shrieked. Youve always been cold and calculating!
No, Lucy. Ive simply learned to protect myself, and thats alright. Its a pity you havent understood that yet.
I hung up and turned off the handset.
John appeared in the doorway, holding a steaming mug of coffee.
Another call from the family? he asked.
Yes, Lucy again. Some family drama.
He said nothing, letting the silence settle.
I think I finally understand something important, I said.
Whats that?
That I dont have to be convenient for anyone not for Mum, not for Lucy, not for anyone. I have a right to my own life.
I wrapped my arms around John, feeling his warmth.
Welcome to the selfish club, love. Weve got a decent spot.
The phone rang once more, and, of course, it was Mum.
There you go, she said in a tragic tone, youve driven Lucy to rent a flat! Shes leaving me alone! Just like you! Everyone has abandoned me! Selfish, ungrateful lot!
