You know, I never actually loved my husband.
Really? How long were you together?
Oh, lets see… we got married back in 71.
But hows that work? All that time and you didnt love him?
There were two women, barely more than acquaintances, sitting on a weathered bench near a gravestone. Theyd been tidying up different resting places and ended up having a chat.
Is that your husband then? The woman in the grey wool beret nodded towards the photo on the headstone.
Yeah. My husband. Its been a year now Still cant get used to it. Miss him terribly, hurts so much. Thats why I keep coming here. I really did love him, the woman in the black scarf tightened it under her chin.
They sat in silence for a bit, then the other woman sighed and said,
I never loved my husband, you know.
Her companion turned, surprised,
How long were you married then?
Oh since 71.
And youre telling me you never loved him, all those years together?
I married him out of spite, can you believe it. There was this lad I was keen on, but he went after my best mate. So I thought, right, Ill just beat them to the altar. Along comes David he was nice enough, but a bit of a softie, always trailing after me, besotted. So I went for it.
And?
Honestly? I nearly legged it on my own wedding day. The whole village was celebrating; I was sat off crying, thinking thats it, my youths over. Id look over at David, and honestly, I could have howled at the moon. Short, gawky, already balding and his ears stuck out. That suit looked like hed borrowed it from a scarecrow. He was beaming, his eyes sparkling, couldnt take them off me and all I thought was, well, you only have yourself to blame.
What happened next?
Well, we started off living with his mum and dad. They doted on me, no question. I was attractive back then big eyes, a thick plait, so full of life. Everyone could see we were a mismatch. Id get up in the morning and would you believe even my shoes were scrubbed clean. His mum made David do it. I used to boss them about and snap at his mum sometimes, all because I felt sorry for myself. I didnt love him, you see. Of course it didnt work out whod like a daughter-in-law like that?
So David pipes up, says: why dont we go up north for work, have our own place, get away from my parents? I didnt care where we went, just needed something to do. All I wanted was a change I had my head in the clouds.
It was the big push back then for people to go work on those public projects up in the north. David sorted it all, found us a spot, and off we went first to Manchester, then further up to Northumberland.
We travelled in separate carriages women in one, men in another. David ended up without any food; I had all our stuff. Couldnt get through to him either. Honestly, I wasnt bothered started making friends right away. We shared everything, put all the food on one table. I even handed out all the pies his mum had packed for the journey.
David caught up with me at a station, asking about food. I felt a bit ashamed, said, Sorry, weve eaten it all, feeling a bit guilty. But he just tried to cheer me up, said: No worries, theres plenty with us as well everyones sharing! Im stuffed. And jogged back to his carriage.
I knew he was fibbing. He wasnt the sociable sort, wouldnt ask a stranger for a slice of bread. He was only trying to make me feel better. But I just got on with things and forgot about it.
When we arrived, they put us up in temporary digs thirty-five women all in one big room, blokes elsewhere. They promised proper places once we got settled. I didnt even care. Whenever David tried to talk to me, Id turn my nose up, pretend I was busy or in a rush. The girls told me off, saying, Hes your husband, for heavens sake!
Hed wait for me outside under the windows, whatever the weather, but I never paid him any attention.
I decided Id divorce. Wed been married two years, no kids didnt feel a thing for him. Slept with him now and then out of pity, thats all.
Then, this chap called Greg showed up tall, handsome, wave in his dark hair. Even though the work was gruelling, life was a laugh up there decent supplies, Czech beer, oranges, sausages you never saw back home. Bands came, there were dances in the social club just for our lot.
The girls introduced me to Greg they all had their eye on him, but he was only interested in me.
And I fell Hard. Head over heels.
David tried to talk sense into me, but I was blind with love.
Im leaving you, I said.
By that point, theyd given us a tiny room in the barracks. Thin partitions, but still. I never went home to him again.
Yet David was always hovering nearby. Id be out with Greg, and there was David, just behind. Didnt care, though wasnt thinking about him. I was in love.
The woman in the black scarf just listened, not saying a word.
How did he cope with that?
He just put up with it. Because he loved me. But then Greg started fooling around with Kate, the bookkeeper, and dumped me. When I told him I was pregnant, he well, he made a big scene, told everyone I latched onto him because my husband was a wimp.
People told David, of course. Love must have made him mad he went looking for a fight with Greg. Ended up in hospital, battered and bruised. I was furious on the way there what was he thinking, taking on Greg? Of course hed lose.
When I got to the hospital and saw him swollen, black and blue, leg in a cast I said, Why did you do it?
And he just mumbled, For you
I felt so sorry for myself then pregnant, being sent back to the village, having to explain the babys not Davids People would talk, you know how it is. Truth told, even I wasnt sure whose boy it was it could’ve been David’s; we’d still been together.
I went to the hospital, took him bits and bobs, but it wasnt out of love, just basic decency.
I remember, when he got back on crutches, I visited. We were stood by the window, him in those thin hospital pyjamas, looking ancient and frail. He said, Dont leave me lets just go away. The babys mine, and thats that.
Could have thanked him, but all I said was, Why do you want this?
And he just answered, Because I love you.
All I could manage was, All right, do as you like. I turned to go, felt him watching, wishing Id look back. I didnt, though a part of me was glad we wouldn’t go back to the village it was going to be easier together, with the baby.
We moved to Lincolnshire then. David was quiet as ever, but work noticed how handy he was trained in engineering and straightaway became a supervisor. Travelled about the sites, and whenever he came home, always brought something back for me.
My wifes expecting! hed boast to everyone. I just looked away, embarrassed. We were given a room in a proper house then, and I got a job too, checking stock.
At the hospital, after the birth, I realised: Gregs boy dark hair. David never said a word. He smiled, nearly teared up, carrying us out. Sam was a difficult baby, cried non-stop. David wore himself out, hardly slept. Never once complained.
A year later, I had a daughter with David named her Rose, after his mum. For the first time, I thought of how much grief Id caused his parents; his dad was gone by then, so naming her after his mum felt right.
But honestly, I felt nothing for David. No love, not even hate. When youve got two little ones, all you want is help, and thats what he did. Hed wash, clean, let me get some sleep. Once I nearly wrestled the laundry bowl off him imagine, the supervisor, washing knickers! And he said, Its freezing better I do it than you fall ill.
As time went by, his devotion just started to get on my nerves.
Sam, by his teens, was already in trouble with the police. Thats how I met Steve, the community officer good bloke, single, really good with Sam. He listened to him, which David couldnt do. David was too soft, he couldnt put his foot down, couldnt punish. Id reach for the belt sometimes how else, when Sam kept nicking stuff from the corner shop? David always stopped me.
By then, David was sent on a course. Wed got a nice flat in Nottingham by that time and they were sending him to London for training.
He said: Just say the word and Ill stay. He knew things werent right.
I just replied, Go if you must.
He left bitterly. Steve the copper kept saying, Leave him, divorce him, you never loved him anyway And I
The woman fell silent, brushing leaves off the little table.
And you? her companion switched to you, their talk making them closer.
She glanced over, a deep furrow between her brows.
I kept thinking and thinking Then came a letter from David. Still have it. No one knows. He wrote how he realised hed ruined my life, because Id never loved him, just tolerated him. Said if I told him to stay away, hed never come back. Said hed still send half his pay for the kids, that I could have it all. Wished me happiness and all the best. It was a good letter, no blame, no hurt. He kept all of that for himself and left me the freedom to live.
Leaves from the old birch rained down again onto the table. It was a warm autumn day, sky bright and blue. The woman in black wiped her eyes with a corner of her scarf.
Why are you crying? asked the story-teller.
Oh, I dont know Lifes like that. When you look back, it always brings a tear. Go on Did you leave with Steve then?
I had sleepless nights, honestly. Sam was off the rails, my life was a mess, and that letter was burning a hole in my pocket. There was this other woman at work, older than me. One day she took me to one side and said, Youre a fool, Linda. You should be grateful for a man like David.
Then, one morning I woke up, almost numb, and thought, what on earth am I doing? Hes given up everything for me his whole life.
I remembered everything. How hed chased after me, helped out wherever he could. Once, after I had an operation and nearly died, it was David at my bedside, quietly running about, sorting everything, hiring extra help, finding the meds.
And once, being the scatterbrain I am, wed ended up with someone elses parcel after the helicopter got snowed in at the depot. He saw it and, in a raging blizzard, trekked to the next village to deliver it. I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldnt have it. Theyll be expecting it, he said. He came back frozen and ill.
Thats when I realised I didnt want anyone but him.
Write him a letter? What good would it do after everything Id done? All those years, Id made sure he knew I didnt care, so how could I suddenly tell him I did?
By then, autumn was in full swing. I sorted things out with the kids and work, and made my way to London to find him.
The train took forever; I wanted to race alongside it I was so desperate to see him. Kept picturing his face so familiar, felt like home. I even loved his bald patch, and his silly ears, and his little tummy all of him.
At his address, they told me he was in lectures, showed me where to go. I took the Tube and tried to spot him in every face. They wouldnt let me in the college, so I waited on the steps, scanning the crowd. I nearly missed him he came out with his group, looking so smart in a flat cap and short raincoat, holding his folder under his arm. I just stood there, gawping, paralysed with love for my own husband.
They walked right past me. He didnt notice me. But as they turned down the lane, I called his name.
He stopped, turned, saw me, absolutely stunned. We just stood there looking at each other as the leaves drifted down, just like now.
His mates were staring, baffled. Then we both ran to each other all at once. His folder went flying, papers everywhere, and we grabbed hold and couldnt say a word.
What could you possibly say?
Then his friends started laughing, making jokes: Now thats love for you! Together forever and still like newlyweds.
The woman in the grey berets tissue was soaked through. She blew her nose.
So, you stayed in love till the end, yeah?
The end of what?
Well she gestured towards the plot where the woman had been cleaning off a grave thats him, isnt it?
Oh, no Thats our Sam, our son. He passed away young, not even forty. Never could sort himself out. Did a stint inside too. David and I went through hell. Then Sam drank himself to death
So your husbands still alive? her companion lit up.
He is, thank God. He gave me a lift out here, went off to sort a few things. We help Rose, our daughter oh, look, here he comes, after me again. Weve gossiped enough. Need a lift anywhere?
No, Ill stay a bit. Still need to visit my lot. Thank you, though.
A stout, middle-aged man walked up black jacket, leather cap, cheerful round face, soft eyes. Warm and friendly.
Knackered, are you, Dave? Been running about too much? she brushed some dust off his shoulder, fussing over his sore back as she carried the heavy rubbish herself.
Arm-in-arm, off they went down the golden cemetery lane.
At the bend, the woman in the grey beret looked back and gave a little wave, Dave did too.
The first woman gazed at her husbands portrait on the headstone and thought how happiness doesnt just appear youve got to let it into your heart.
In the end, thats all happiness is, really to love and be loved.
