I miss him. Ive honestly never missed anyone in this way before, and I cant put my finger on why especially considering I never truly felt entirely at ease with him, and there were definitely things I didnt like.
We met on Facebook. Our chats turned into long conversations, and eventually, he asked me out for coffee. We ended up taking a walk in Hyde Park. I remember that day so well I was feeling really low, a bit discouraged about everything, and sore all over because Id just done an intense workout at the gym and my legs were absolutely killing me. It was dusk, the sky was clear, and it was properly freezing. We sat on a bench and talked about life who we are, what were after. Somehow it all felt intimate so quickly.
When we were leaving, I gave him a hug. It lasted a good couple of minutes. It felt like home, if you can believe it, even though he always struck me as a bit cold and standoffish. That hug told me there was much more to him beneath the surface. I dont know if he felt awkward I know I did but I could tell he was struggling too, and that moment made a difference for him. When we parted ways, we hugged again, but this time just briefly.
After that, we kept messaging well into the night. Every day followed the same pattern: hed text me good morning, wed chat throughout the day, a flurry of messages. Then we started going out, really getting to know each other. Our chats got more meaningful dreams, what-ifs about the future, our secret fears. He told me he lived with a mate, later mentioned his ex, and confessed he enjoyed messaging girls he used to date. At some point, he ended up moving back in with his parents.
We made things official, and thats when he finally admitted the truth: hed actually been living with his ex the whole time. He claimed they were over ages ago, and nothing was going on, even though they still worked together. I even saw a photo of the two of them online.
For his birthday, Id made this big plan to surprise him with a dinner at this beautiful old-fashioned restaurant really wanted to make him feel special. But just before we were supposed to head out, around lunchtime, I got this nasty message on Instagram from some woman throwing insults at me. I didnt reply just asked him about it. He said it was his ex at it again; apparently shes a pro at getting others to harass people and send rude messages. I waited until we talked it out with him. He said hed sorted the situation, but the messages kept coming. I only replied, just enough to set things straight, but Im not the kind of woman to stoop to childish insults. After that, I blocked her.
Somehow, we got through that chapter, and we actually became closer. He opened up more, and I did too. I was unemployed for a bit; he encouraged me to look for a job, even helped cover a few expenses when I was too embarrassed to ask. I never wanted anything from him; he insisted on being generous. When he went on holiday, he invited me to house-sit. I stayed the whole two weeks (bit of a mistake in hindsight).
He was basically putting me to the test, seeing what Id be like to live with. He used to order takeaway constantly, saying it was a waste of time to cook, as it was much easier to get food delivered. By the end of the holiday, wed spent way too much on food. Id tried to suggest saving a bit by cooking, but he wouldnt listen. Later, he actually blamed me, said I hadnt helped him save money, though Id been practical the whole time.
Then he made me feel guilty about his bills, stressed out about paying for everything it really got to me. I finally landed a job, and he told me that now he was going to test me to check if Id pay him back for staying at his place and everything hed spent. He said he felt like he was looking after me, like I was a burden. I didnt know what to say. I was still learning what it meant to be in a real relationship.
He told me everything had to change and it did. Suddenly, plans and dates became rare. Our messages got shorter. He said he had to focus on making up for lost money, regain his financial footing, and that hed been eating badly because of it. Everything started to collapse.
One day, he told me I was dipping into his pocket, that Id messed up his finances, even though Id never once asked him for anything. I had my job by then. Sometimes I paid, sometimes he did, but things werent the same. No more plans, no more excitement. Eventually, we both called time on the relationship. We parted on good terms, grateful for the nice times and for what wed learned. We shut the door with dignity.
And then, as these things go, we tried again another round of talking. But I hated being at his place after work with no dinner, and sometimes he wouldnt even ask if I wanted to eat. Id sit there, wondering if I should bring my own lunch or have a proper breakfast so I wouldnt feel faint from hunger. I told him how I felt, but he didnt respond, just let it hang there, not offering a solution. It left me feeling I had to fend for myself and honestly, it just killed the relationship.
One day, when we were out together, I felt faint on the Tube and nearly collapsed. I had to sit on the floor to stop myself from passing out, and he didnt even react. That was the final straw for me. Inside, I pulled away, even though part of me still wanted him; I knew deep down this wasnt the man I wanted by my side, no matter what dreams wed shared.
Id begged him so many times not to go to bed angry. But I started crying myself to sleep beside him. One day, I decided I couldnt do it anymore. I woke up early, packed my things and left. We talked afterwards; I told him how I felt. Id given him a drawing I made for him he loved it but I took it down from the wall and took it with me. I shouldnt have done it. Something inside me cracked something inside him did, too.
A few weeks on, we talked again. He told me the moment I took back the drawing, he lost the happiness hed felt from it that something between us had broken for good. We closed the door again. Every so often, Id send him a thank you message, or a video, but he never replied. There was just this emptiness.
Then, out of nowhere, around midnight, I got this scathing message full of insults accusing me of tearing him away from his family. I deleted the chat and blocked him. Then, people from his office started contacting me on social media. I was sure it was his ex or perhaps someone new. I ignored it, and spoke to management about it made it clear that if it carried on, Id take proper action. That put a stop to things.
It hurt. I changed. I realised he wasnt who I wanted after all. We parted on good terms, but seeing him with someone whod caused him so much heartbreak stung more than I expected.
I still miss him sometimes. I miss certain good moments. But thats all. The one thing I know is, with me, he felt calm and proud. I doubt hell have the same with her and Im not sure hell ever be the man he wants the world to see.
