Did I even give birth to you? I shout, my voice ricocheting off the thin walls of our cramped flat in Manchester.
Enough, youre just a parasite! Mikes voice booms through the narrow hallway. You sit on my neck, drain my money, and you cant even wash a dish!
Sarah curls up on the battered sofa, tears streaming down her cheeks, the cheap mascara smearing across her face, turning her expression into a sad mask.
Im tired too! You have no idea how hard it is for a woman to keep a household running!
What household? Theres no household here! Mike hurls a dirty plate onto the linoleum. It shatters, shards scattering like confetti. Its a bardack, a bardack everywhere! Im grinding at the factory like a cursed man, I come home and it feels like a pigsty!
Fourteenyearold Lily presses her back against the wall of her tiny bedroom, holding her breath. Their fights erupt almost every night, but she cant get used to the constant shouting.
You dont love me at all! Youre just picking fights! Sarahs voice cracks into a hysterical scream. I never loved you! I married you out of pity!
Exactly, not out of love for your laziness! Other wives work, raise kids, and you? You stare at the telly from sunrise to sunset!
Lily covers her ears with her palms, but the words still slip through, stabbing her mind, leaving dirty marks. She hates these evenings, the helpless wail of her mother and the furious roar of her father. She hates herself for being unable to change anything.
I cant take this any longer! Mike snarls, and something heavy thuds onto the floor. Enough! Im sick of being a milking cow for you two!
Mike disappears into the bedroom. The wardrobe squeaks as he shuts the door. A long silence follows, broken only by Sarahs soft sobs. Lily carefully cracks open her bedroom door and peeks into the hallway.
Mike drags an old sports bag packed with his belongings out of the bedroom. His face is flushed, the veins on his cheeks bulging. He doesnt even glance at his daughter as he passes.
Where are you going? Sarah jumps up from the sofa, smearing fresh mascara over her eyes. Mike, wait!
Ive had enough. Im leaving.
You cant! We have a child!
Lil stays with you. Deal with the problems yourself. Maybe youll finally realize you need to work.
Mike slams the front door shut. Sarah collapses on the hallway floor, howling with helplessness. Lily rushes to her, kneeling beside her.
Mum, calm down
He left us! Sarah clutches Lilys shoulders, her face buried in Lilys chest. He left us, you hear? How can a man just dump his family?
Lily smooths her mothers tangled hair, swallowing her own tears. Mike is gone, simply gone, leaving them alone in the stale, damp flat. Lily wraps her arms tighter around Sarah, and in that moment the father feels like a monster. How could he do that?
Years blur together fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen. With each passing year Lily sees more clearly what was once hidden behind a childs blindfold.
Sarah never works. Not a day. She sleeps in late, brews a tea, plants herself in front of the TV and stays there until night falls. Lily comes home from school to a filthy flat: dishes piled high in the sink, dust on the furniture, laundry untouched.
Mum, why dont you even wash the dishes?
Im exhausted. My head hurts.
You sit at home all day!
Are you going to keep telling me what to do? Sarah snaps, pouting like a sulky child. Im your mother!
Lily learns to stay silent. She learns to stride in from school and immediately start the housework cooking dinner, cleaning, washing. On weekends she hands out leaflets at the Manchester Piccadilly station, earning £5 a shift. Later she picks up a parttime job as a waitress in a café, evenings and weekends.
The money goes to food, bills, and the bare minimum. Sarah reaches for another handful of cash, frowning if the amount seems insufficient.
You need to earn more, Lil. Were short of money.
Mum, Im still studying. Im already working fifteen hours a week.
So what? I was married at your age.
Lily bites her tongue until it bleeds. Yes, married to a man who supported her while she lounged on the sofa.
After school Lily enrolls in a parttime degree because fulltime tuition is unaffordable. She works even more. She lands a job in a restaurant with better tips. Her legs ache after each shift, her back throbs, but she keeps going. What else can she do?
Make something decent for dinner, Sarah says, eyes glued to the latest reality show. Im sick of your spaghetti.
Mum, Im off to work in half an hour.
Youll make it. I sit here all day alone, at least treat me to a proper meal.
Lily boils borscht at half past five in the morning before her shift, leaves the pot on the stove. Sarah reheats it for lunch, settles back in front of the telly, never washing the plate.
One day at work Lily chats with the restaurant manager, Olga.
Hey, does your mum want to work as a cleaner here? Weve got a vacancy. Decent pay, flexible hours.
Lilys eyes light up.
Seriously? That would be great!
Give me her number, Ill call.
At home Lily shyly mentions the opportunity. Sarah twists her face as if Lily has brought home rotten fish.
Cleaner? Are you kidding?
Mum, its a proper job. Good pay, convenient schedule.
I wont be sweeping floors!
But were barely getting by! If you helped even a little
Im exhausted at home! Sarahs voice spikes to its usual shrill pitch. Its hard to even get out of bed! My blood pressure!
My blood pressure is from sitting still all day!
How dare you speak to me like that? I gave birth to you, and you
Lily clenches her fists until her nails dig into her palms. I gave birth to you, becomes her excuse for everything.
Olga finally reaches Sarah and persuades her to at least attend an interview. Sarah agrees, pressured by Lilys relentless stare. She works there for a week, returning with a sour expression, grimacing at the mere mention of cleaning duties.
Its a nightmare! Filth everywhere! They expect me to do it all!
Mum, youre the cleaner. Thats the point of the job.
Its hard. My back hurts, my legs swell.
On the eighth day Sarah simply doesnt show up. She turns off her alarm and sleeps until noon. Olga later apologises, saying theyve let Sarah go.
Lily, Im sorry. I thought
Its fine. Thanks for trying.
Lily finds another spot for Sarah as a stallholder in a local greengrocers kiosk. The manager needs a replacement. Sarah accepts, but after three days she hands in a resignation, complaining its too cold, the customers are rude, and the wages are tiny.
Mum, you didnt even finish the first paycheck!
I cant! I cant, do you hear me? You dont understand how hard this is! My blood pressure, honestly!
Lilys anger spikes; she steps onto the balcony, standing there for twenty minutes, inhaling the chilly air.
Shes been slogging twelvehour days, studying, carrying the whole household on her shoulders. And still, shes told she doesnt understand?
The arguments never cease. Sarah demands more money, better food, new clothes. Lily tries to explain she physically cant earn more.
Then find another job!
Mum, Im studying! I only get five hours of sleep!
I didnt get any sleep in my youth either.
You got married young and now you just lounge on the sofa!
How dare you?
Sarah hurls plates, cups, the remote at Lily. Lily dodges, feeling a numb indifference building inside. Shes twenty, just twenty, yet feels like a horse overburdened with an impossible load.
One evening, after an especially grueling shift, Lily walks in to find Sarah surrounded by empty supermarket bags.
Did you buy a cake? Lily asks, staring at the massive creamfilled confection on the kitchen table.
Yeah. Craving something sweet.
For fifteen pounds? Mum, we could have stretched that money for a whole week!
Its my money! You gave it to me!
I gave it for food! Proper food! Grains, meat!
Dont shout at me! Sarah crosses her arms, jutting her chin forward. Im tired of your complaints! Work harder if you need more!
Lily freezes, a ringing filling her ears.
Thats enough, she forces out through clenched teeth.
What? Sarah snaps, fixing Lily with a cold stare.
I wont give you another penny. I need it for transport, for college, for
For yourself, of course! Selfish!
I raised you, sacrificed everything, and you
You never sacrificed! You just lay around while Dad worked! You lay around when he left! And you keep lying there while I hustle!
Lily storms to her room, slams the door, sits on the bed, trembling hands pulling out her phone. She opens job sites for other cities, scans numbers, addresses, conditions. And then it hits her she can leave. Just pack up and go.
The next two weeks drift in a hazy fog. Lily gathers documents, looks for a room to rent, arranges a remote callcentre job in a neighbouring region. Sarah, glued to another episode, doesnt notice.
On the final night Lily barely sleeps. She stuffs a small bag with essentials clothes, documents, laptop. She leaves a note on the kitchen table: I finally understand why Dad left. Because of you. My turn now.
Sarah is still asleep when Lily quietly shuts the flat door behind her. She heads for the Manchester Coach Station, feeling both a traitor and a freed prisoner.
Three hours later the phone rings.
Where are you? Where have you gone? Sarahs voice trembles.
Ive left, Mum.
How did you leave? Where to?
To another city. I need to start living on my own.
You have no right! Mum screams, the words cutting through Lilys resolve. Im your mother! You owe me!
No, I dont.
Come back right now! You cant just abandon me!
I can.
Youre just like your dad selfish!
Lily hangs up, blocks the number, plugs in her headphones and cranks the volume, drowning out the lingering voices in her head.
The new city greets her with rain and a cold wind. The student hall room she rents is tiny a bed, a desk, a wardrobebut its hers.
She sits on the bed, thinking of the father who ran away when she was fourteen, and the mother who turned her into a milkcow.
Forgive them? No. She cant forgive a father who left her and her mum. If he saw what a wife he had, why did he walk away?
Forgive her mum? No. For years she used Lily as a standin for the missing provider.
Now Lily has no family left, but she has something else: the right to live the way she chooses, the right not to feel guilty for every penny she spends on herself.
She wipes the rain from her cheeks, opens her laptop. Tomorrow marks the start of a new life hard, frightening, and full of unknowns. But its a life she owns.
