Look, Ive tried dating apps, but its exhausting, you know? Writing messages, pretending to care about their tedious girl-talk, typing until my fingers ache If there was a way to skip all that, Id be chuffed to bits! said Basil. Couldnt she just pick *me*? No small talk, no memorising lads mag punchlines, no pretending I know who wrote *Wuthering Heights*?
Easy peasy! shrugged the creature made of swirling grey smoke. Youre the boss. Thats why you summoned me, innit?
Brilliant. Now, add this: Im not spending a penny on her. Not a quid. No overpriced flat whites, no me paying for her Bakewell tarts when theres no guarantee of ROI. No ironing shirts, no sucking in my gut, no performing like a circus seal. She just whisks me straight to her place. Possible?
The smoke-being conjured a notepad and pen, jotting it down with the efficiency of a harried waiter. Done. Anything else?
Right, no material demands. None of this Oh, Basil, buy me an iPhone, a diamond, a bloody fur coat nonsense. Pure, selfless lovelike those lovely Continental girls, or Filipinas. Blokes abroad have it sortedwives working while they lounge about, and no one bats an eye. Here, theyd call you a kept man before youve finished your cuppa.
Consider it handled! The creature waved a smoky hand. But Basil, mate, youre underselling yourself. Youve got demonic intervention, and youre asking for what half the blokes in Wetherspoons already have. No imagination!
Fine! Shes got to be proper domestic, too, Basil counted on his fingers. Cleaning, cooking, never expecting me to lift a finger. No nagging, just sweet-talking and gazing at me like Im Idris Elba. And *absolutely* no kidswe all know women are the ones who want em. Thats non-negotiable.
Bit basic, but alright The smoke-creature sighed. Shall we discuss looks? Blokes like you usually end up with someone well, *mumsy*. But I suppose youd prefer a uni student?
Bloody right, a uni student! Basil nearly tripped over his own excitement. Tall, gorgeous, figure like a TikTok influencer, skin like a peaches-and-cream advert. But soft-hearted, you know? Modern girls are all sharp edges and entitlement
Oh, I know! The creatures grin flickered, though smoke cant *technically* grin. Not that Basil noticedhe was too busy fantasising about being swept off his feet. Literally.
He woke up face-down in a bin alley, snow soaking into his fur. A discarded sausage roll wrapper stuck to his paw. His ribs throbbed. Everything smelled *massive*. And thenangelic laughter.
Emily, look at this sweet little thing! Poor mite, mustve been chased by a Staffy. Im taking him home! Cuddles, treats, all the love!
Youre too kind, snorted another voice. What if he yowls all night? Or knocks up every tabby in the neighbourhood?
He wont! Ill get him neutered. Come here, pumpkin
Basil squirmed as slender arms crushed him against a puffer jacket. He tried to protest. What came out was a pathetic *mew*.
